Sunday, May 31, 2009

irritated to the max

I am at Panera, blogging, because I am completely irritated with everyone in my family. NOW, I know you are thinking...really, everyone? Could it maybe, possibly, by a slim margin of a chance really be YOU that is the problem and not everyone else???

Let's see.

College kid the first is working out of town this summer and told us of her desired departure date and would we be available to drive her to the airport 100 miles away. I checked with Mr. P and there is an activity he had already decided he wanted to do that day, so I informed said child that she would have to take the shuttle if that was the day she was leaving. Later I find out (on Facebook) that she bought a ticket for the day in question. I ask her about her departure time to find out it is earlier than the first shuttle could get her there. When I mentioned that, her response, "I figured since it was so early, you guys could still just take me."

umm. WHAT?

This weekend we planned a trip to the lake on the boat, leave Saturday lunchtime, set up camp, float around, get up early Sunday (today), take the kids tubing, lunch it on the water, then home to get ready for the work week. So, Saturday morning we try to roust the kids and they are not interested in camping, but want to come up to tube on Sunday. I tell the guys need to be up there by 10:30am, so we can get tubing before the CRAZY CRAZY boat traffic shows up and makes it too hard for our baby boat. Mr. P and I head out and have a kickass time. Flash forward to this morning. We get up early, pack up, take all the gear back to the truck and start calling/texting the children. No replies. That in itself drives me batshit crazy because I pay.a.ton. for cellphones that do not get answered. So we decide, whateva, and we go to do our thing. RIGHT after we anchor in our favorite cove I check the phone and got a text from the older, "We will be leaving shortly". ugh, it came in 20 minutes ago, and its 40 minutes to the lake. We pull up the anchor and start heading back to the dock. I call to check where they are and where we are picking them up. and call. and call. and call. and text. and text. and call. FOR OVER ONE HOUR. I finally get the older on the phone and "they had gotten up but fell back to sleep". Oh my god. I had a stroke, died, Mr. P revived me, then I started the yellling about the rudeness, the lack of respect, the RUDENESS. I wasted my.lake.time. trying to be so so so sure those kids were not waiting or lost or anything, and they were home asleep. I tell her my house better be absolutely perfect when I get home.

We have a fab afternoon floating and getting decadent amounts of sun while reading trashy magazines. Then we load up the boat and head home. Once we got to the house, Mr. P needed the car in the carport moved so he could park the boat. I get in, and there are CIGARETTES and a lighter. Now I focus my pissiness on Mr. P, "Nice habit. Aren't you glad your daughter smokes now too?" (Mr. P smokes and I hate it.) I go in the house, the elder is sleeping with tupperware of food on the floor, her stuff all over, and then is indignant when I flip the fuck out. She has her own apartment, if she doesn't like my rules, she is free to.go.home.

I am so mad, I decide to throw on my workout gear and head to Body Pump, then do a quick run, after which Mr. P is going to meet me at Panera for some dinner. I do Body Pump, added weights, broke my triceps. Then went outside to do a little run and my fucking headphones are going in and out, my bad, I always wrap them around my iPod and keep it in my purse. I cut it short, and head to Panera to do a bit of laptopping whilst I wait. Panera is closing early, so I text Mr. P just to let him know and calls me and tells me to eat without him because he put some laundry in the dryer and hadn't taken his shower and blah blah blah but won't make it here in AN HOUR. We live 10 minutes away.

OH.MY.GOD. could someone please just stick with a plan???????


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I want you to WANT to do the dishes

I read a post today that made me think of the movie "The BreakUp".

I am SO feeling this scene, with a few substitutions...instead of Gary, I mean me, instead of dishes I mean healthy, healthy, healthy. I want to WANT to eat healthy each and every meal. I want to WANT to exercise daily. I want to WANT to drink water instead of Diet Coke. I just want to WANT to.

But, I guess I don't NEED to want to in order to still eat healthy, exercise and drink water.

damn it. I really, really want to want all that stuff, instead of just wanting the end result. Wouldn't it all be SO.much.easier that way?

As an aside, I set my alarm, got up and ran BEFORE work, ate healthy all day, went to Body Pump after work, went grocery shopping, ate a healthy dinner, and cut up an entire watermelon and pint of strawberries to get me through until boating this weekend! So take that WANT!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

back to the grind

The highschool kid is no longer, we now have two college kids. Everyone has gone home, except the college kid the first. The visits were mom the nutball was still a nutball after my sister arrived, but I didn't "escape" to bed once they got here, so no bloggy time. We went to dinner on the night of graduation with both parents, and it was okay. My dad was braggy, and my mom was kind of jackassy in her attempts to be funny, but all in all, it was mm. well, okay sums it up.

I did manage to run a few times with my sister...that was fun. But sadly, I have just done nothing in days and days and days, from a workout or food monitoring standpoint. I gained back the weight I lost from the week before, so back to a pretty decent B on my Fatty McFatFatFat test. 88.1%. I have lost my weightloss/workout mojo. I can not let this happen. I WILL be going to Body Pump tomorrow after work. I WILL be getting healthy foods at the store to finish out the week. I WILL stop this FatSlide right this very exact second.

Summer school has started and is in full swing. I have 4 paper reviews to do in the next month and actually one is already late. I have a paper due on June 1. I tend to let crazy work interfere with workouts/eating healthy. It is a divine excuse and it has worked for years and years and pounds and pounds.

OH, and I am already frustrated by a student (3 days in)...I DESPISE these emails:

i was not able to attend class today because i was sick but i was just wondering what i missed so i will be able to make it up thank you.

Let's see, the course schedule, the homework assignments, the lectures are all on the course website. Figure it out your damn self. We won't even mention the lack of punctuation. aack.

Last, but not least, hypothetically, what would you find MORE humiliating?

- Your mom wearing a trash bag in the rain to smoke out front of a theater?


- Your dad wearing an embroidered shirt emblazened with "Big Daddy"? (which happens to match the embroidered shirts worn by two of his redneck friends, all whilst walking around your town in the broad daylight)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Can I just say that my BABY graduates high school today?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Bring on the good company

First, I am back to doing "bad" on my Fat Test. Scored a measly 86.93%, which means I am back into losing old weight, as opposed to recent weight. I also managed to run 3 miles this morning and it felt good. AND as CK noted, my good company FINALLY arrives tomorrow.

Even with all that positive energy, I lost my shit today. Mr. P and I had an argument at the grocery store over ice cream flavors. This argument was inane and ridiculous, and I should have never allowed it to happen. It was all my fault, and before you read how insane I was, please know that I immediately apologized.

This afternoon at lunch I told my mom that after Mr. P and I finished at the gym we could bring home ice cream sundaes for dinner since we were out of time. I asked her what kind she would want. "super frozen hard ice cream." okay, but what KIND of sundae exactly? Hot Fudge, of course, because I am a fucking sundae idiot. Then I said that the gym was by an ice cream place that had the hand scooped ice cream, but that after traveling home it might not be "super, frozen and hard." I said that being facetious. Her completely serious response? "Then I guess you better come up with a different plan." oh for the love of (insert ANYTHING at all here).

After the gym, Mr. P and I were walking outside a bit to avoid going home cool down, and I told Mr. P the story. After groaning and griping about her miserosity, we decided to get stuff to make sundaes at home. Fast forward to ice cream aisle at the grocery store. We first pick some toppings. Microwave hot fudge and strawberry topping. Then we start browsing the ice cream. I am perusing 3 for $5 pints, and I find a blueberry something or other that looks delish. At the same time, Mr. P found some 3 for $10 half gallons, and he has chosen vanilla. Here is where I realize he is perhaps, at that moment, the most annoying individual on the planet. What the fuck are we going to do with an entire half gallon of VANILLA? Really? Vanilla? So he says, get your blueberry thing, and pick what you think your mom might like if not vanilla, because vanilla works with all the toppings. So I say, "Let's get Neopolitan" (meaning in lieu of vanilla). He says fine, and adds Neopolitan to the cart. with. the. vanilla. Neopolitan AND vanilla? What the fuck is wrong with him?

I am so upset and near tears because I truly could not figure out what ice cream to buy to make everyone happy, and honestly, I was selfishly NOT wanting that amount of ice cream in the house very near my mouth. So THEN I gripe at Mr. P that I can NOT believe he is okay with buying $20 worth of ice cream when he rolled his eyes at $4 organic peanut butter. At this point he said, "You know what? I don't care if your mother ever has a fucking sundae in her whole miserable life," and put all the sundae stuff back.

Then when we were checking out, I was putting stuff on the belt and he had the fucking audacity to DO IT FOR ME. I looked him straight in the eye, "You are annoying me." oh dear. So he says, okay, maybe I should just go and I will meet you at home. "GOOD IDEA". what a tool.

He leaves the store, and it takes me ummm. all of about 12 seconds to realize, "That may NOT have been about ice cream."

This fucking graduation better be good.

ETA: Based on the first couple of comments, I don't think I acurately portrayed Mr. P. He was sincerely trying to do whatever I wanted and no matter what he did, I hated him for it. The best thing he did was put it all away!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Graduation, phase 1

I hate to disappoint, but today was relatively uneventful from a parental annoyance standpoint. Let me rephrase, she was SUPER annoying, but not a bunch to report. I slept in, then decided to go running. I did my longest run yet...6K. The longer I ran without stopping, the longer I could stay gone.

We went to Panera for lunch, and after everyone ordered I asked her what she got and she said, "I don't know what I will be getting, because I can't see." umm. I get that you can't see, but I heard the college kid read you the menu, I saw you order something...that is likely what you will be getting.

The best part of the WHOLE day was when we got to Baccalaureate and the college kid and I picked out seats and mom couldn't sit with us because she has "problems with equilibrium because she can't see her feet". The speeches were long and awful and it was so awesome, I wished it would have lasted longer.

Then we went to a Japanese steakhouse for dinner, you know one of those places where you sit with strangers and they cook your food in front of you? Anyway there was a dude at our table that asked her where she was from, and he got the place slightly wrong and she very LOUDLY and condescendingly corrected him, then proceded to tell everyone all the wonders that are her home town, while stirring her hot tea with a chopstick.

I am really quite sleepy, but I don't want to go to bed because Mr. P, the college kid and I are just chilling on the couch watching Planet Earth with bits of commentary here and there, but no incessant talking and it is. so. fucking. peaceful. Once I go to sleep, I will wake up, and until noon, it is just me and mom. alone. (But after that I get to go to work!!!)

I will leave you with a quick story about Mr. P and why he is my best husband. Last night he was watching television and all of a sudden, he became VERY aggitated. Indignant actually. All as an extreme reaction to a commercial that really, really disturbed him. Brace yourselves. It was for this.


He could not wrap his head around the notion that there would be a food just for pretty, colorful, song birds and not for the plain, regular birds. "WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER BIRDS, FUCKERS?"


Saturday, May 16, 2009

McFattie at the Olympics

I woke up this morning to a very chatty mother which means her eye is now "annoying" and not painful. which now means she is extra annoying and extremely painful. to me.

Mr. P and I decide we want to go for a run. We get ready and tell mom she is welcome to join us, because after we run at this particular park I like to feed the turtles. She grabbed a pack of cigarettes, a Diet Coke and a sandwich and crammed them all in her pocket. sweet.

I completed my second workout in the running challenge I joined earlier this week. The run was HOT and HARD. It is tougher than I thought it would be. I am doing intervals like week 1 of Couch to 5K, but they are longer, and I am trying to keep a 10ish minute mile for the running intervals. I am getting about 2.6 miles in distance in the 40 minutes, I can't quite keep up the running pace for the 1:40 I am 'supposed' to, but it will come.

After we finish and we feed the turtles, my mom says she needs to talk to me about something before my sister arrives. okay. what's up? She says that she really wants to go get an ice cream sundae. mmkay. why do we have to do that before my sister arrives?

"Your sister is serious about her counting points."

Apparently, I am keeping my amateur status in WeightWatchers in case I ever want to Fattie it up in the Olympics.

Now, do you want to hear how she bought a box of strawberry danish Poptarts, an Arizona Plum Tea and Transformer fruit snacks that were on CLEARANCE at the grocery store to eat on the plane on her way home? Or how she told me that she liked my taste, but that the rest of the world likely would not? Maybe we could talk about how my mother has made awful generalizations about people that made me slightly nutball, things like if someone is an illegal immigrant or from Iran they are likely a terrorist. Better yet, I will just tell you that she has been carrying around a piece of a sandwich in her pocket, and whining at me when it leaks on her.

We finished the day at the final performance of Fiddler on the Roof. The highschool kid is really impressive, we were quite proud. After mom presented him with flowers and told him how awesome he was, we lost her. It was raining so Mr. P said he would get the truck, so I hit the ladies room. I found the college kid in the lobby and asked where mom was. She looked around and said, 'oops, I lost her'. Then something catches my eye. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, do NOT let that be my mother standing in the rain wearing a trash bag smoking a cigarette. right. in. front. of the theater.

damn it. no such luck. two down, six to go. fuck me.

Friday, May 15, 2009

sorry your mom has hamthrax eye

Unfortunely those words do sum up day 1 of family invasion. In fact, these exact words were uttered to me as I cuddled Mr. P before retiring to catch up on some blogs and down 2 or 13 shots of peppermint schnapps before bed.

My mom was to fly to Atlanta then take a shuttle from the airport to our town. My mom is less than good with directions and handling her shit. So when I hadn't heard from her after I knew her plane had landed, I started to worry. I worried that she decided not to get on the plane and instead partake in a jug or two of wine. Why? Why, would I think that might happen? Suffice it to say, it wouldn't be the first time. I go to the agreed upon pick up spot and low and behold she was there. Apparently something weird is going on with her cell phone. Who knows what. One of the contacts in it is "wllJ1wll". That is the best she could do trying to enter a phone number for her WORK.

But she is there, has not ditched the high school kid, and she is actually NOT wearing sweat pants that are 3 sizes too big. (Later, she proudly tells me that she was in fact wearing Gloria Vanderbilt jeans which she bought for $1 at the DAV). Before I can say one word to her she tells me, "I hurt my eye." So I ask her what happened. Her story consists of a hundred jakillion teensy tinsy brain numbing details, but I will spare you. As she will, NO DOUBT, regale my sister with the whole tale in a few days, after she tells ME the story 86 times (and don't forget, I was here for most of the action) before lunch tomorrow, she ended up accidentally using contact cleanser (which contains hydrogen peroxide) in lieu of saline solution after removing her contacts to tweeze her eyebrows. yeah, I don't know.

Her eye is all weepy, her face is swollen, and she looks like crap. At this point she thinks her contact is stuck in her eye socket behind her eyeball, so I say, let's run by the doctor and let them look. She declines. So we go home, hang out with the high school kid (whose very last day of high school was today), play a bit of Scrabble, and she is going downhill. I finally got up, and called the walk-in clinic place to check if they "do eyes". I don't know why I thought they would exclude eyes from their practice, maybe eyes are too unique, but the receptionist chick assures me, "mmm. yeah. we can do eyes."

I tell my mom we are going to the walk-in clinic and she refuses because, "those are for stabbings." At this point I am losing my mind, I am texting my sister and she offers the sound advice, "Well, then stab her. Then take her." So, I did.

In my mind. It was pretty awesome.

Oh, I digress. We get her in and I have to fill out all her forms because apparently the eye that is hurt is her "reading eye". I have to ask her for her social security number and before answering, she looks all around, scrunches down and whispers it to me. Damn it mom, who the fuck wants your identity? seriously. There are TWO people in the waiting room, and neither give a rats ass about your social. Finally we get her seen, get her meds, feed her, and now thank the sweet Mother Mary she is asleep. Day 1 is in the books. only 7 more days to go. holy hell.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

big green balls

of nerves are invading my body. That is what I envision going on it there anyway. My mother arrives tomorrow, and I was weirdly looking forward to it, but then I know she is going to be super annoying. She made some mention of making sure she had a fancy outfit for graduation, and I kind of was ignoring her, but now I wish I had listened better to that...I really should have gone to the dentist this week, he is typically pretty liberal with the valium. oh, and I think she (my Mom, not my dentist) found my blog, because someone googled the following and found me:

My mom drives my sister nuts with her weird food stuff. She wouldn't eat hummus because, "she didn't like the word," and wouldn't eat a wheat english muffin because she doesn't like wheat, but LOVES Triscuits. Since my sister and I both are on WeightWatchers it is likely that we will actually feast on whole wheat pitas and hummus sandwiches, and my mom will live on cigarettes and Snapple.

Then we have the other half of my parental team. My Dad will arrive on Friday afternoon, in full Harley gear, because Saturday morning he leaves with 3 of his loser friends to go on their "ride" to NYC. They can't wait to ride their bikes down Broadway. It is my Dad's "ride" which means he planned it, talked about it for a million hours, and bosses his friends around. It is obnoxious and horrific. If you live somewhere between Alabama and NYC and you see 4 old douchebags a la the movie Hog Wild....the loudest, most obnoxious one is NOT my Dad. As an aside, we are in the midst of texting now about said trip, NOT about how my kid is graduating high school. I FUCKING know that you will be on the bike. I KNOW that you leave for NJ the next day. I KNOW. You have been telling me for 6 months. I get it already.

The parents got divorced 13 or 14 years ago, and haven't been in the same place since my sister got married (that I recall). They both swear they are going to behave, which means when the other is out of earshot (hopefully) they will talk about how fat/skinny, old, weird, loud, blah the other one is. I LOVE family get togethers. Thank the baby Jesus that my sister and her gorgeous and funny toddler will be here to deflect.

My in-laws are not going to be visiting, which did kill off about half the green balls, but now we have to go there (Wyoming) in July. My mother-in-law is pretty sick, so I will hold off making fun of her until she is doing better. In the mean time I will be trying to find some fun stuff to do on the 8,023,567 mile drive that I can incorporate into my movie.

Oh, but opening night of Fiddler on the Roof was last night, and the highschool kid was very good. ONLY issue was the lady in front of me was wearing low rise jeans and I could see most of her ass the entire show. VERY distracting. oh, and because I am such a sophisticated son of a bitch, my kid said the line, "Your daughter has a quick and witty tongue," and it made me kind of snort. Maybe you just gotta know my kid.

Monday, May 11, 2009


I had an epiphany today. It will be obvious to the rest of you, but somehow it was escaping me for the last couple of weeks. Dudes, I am still fat. Yes, I am less fat than I was, and yes, I am healthier than I was, and for both of those things I am grateful and acknowledge the journey I have made towards becoming a healthy, healthy, healthy me. But today, I had to admit to myself, that my journey is far, Far, FAR from over. far. really, pretty far.

It happened at the gym. I was at Body Pump with Mr. P sweating, working hard, feeling strong, and looked up to check my form in the mirror. I looked through all the reflections, and when my eyes settled on the right person, I was TRULY surprised at how big I still am. It was quite shocking and disheartening.

To help myself regroup and refocus, I joined a running challenge with Natasha from Creating Natasha. A group of bloggers are working on the Couch to 5K program. Since I already completed that program during the first leg of my journey, and I wanted to play the running challenge and I am stuck on a running plateau, I used my handy, dandy Excel spreadsheet and converted the program to a Couch to 5 MILE program. I really liked the schedule of the program, the increasing intensity, the feeling of accomplishment and the feel of interval training.

Theoretically I still have 100 pounds to lose (to get to a 'healthy' weight for my height). I have been blind to my weight for years, and while it definitely stings to be reminded, I needed it.


That is the term I am using for what I am doing with regards to my healthy, healthy, healthy lifestyle the last two weeks. I gained .8 lbs this week. Now, this is not "oh I am gaining muscle" or "oh I am retaining water", this is "oh, I counted points for 3 days, then did what I wanted for 4 days". I have held on to exercising, by a freaking thread.

This non-schedule kills me. KILLS me. I need to have my meals planned. I need to cook most of them myself. That is not happening. I need to limit going out for beers and what I eat after beers to at MOST one night per week. We have gone out twice per week the last two weeks, plus I ate a ton of cheese dip at lunch yesterday. I am at the place in my journey where I get attention for losing the weight, and I think "oh, I have got this". Let me tell you. I do NOT.

This is not a 'whoa' is me moment...I have a few things going for me. Like, I took a spinning class for the first time last week. It killed my lady bits, but supposedly it will not hurt that bad after 3 times. It burned tons of calories. AND, I am now 50/50, in spite of my gain. 50% bones, brains, muscles, guts, etc. AND 50% fat. Believe it or not, this is GOOD news.

Last but not least, I am holstered up and ready to go out for a 4 miler. Never been done before (by me). Wish me running luck...hopefully cheese dip is good fuel.

ETA: As you may have guessed, cheese dip is NOT good fuel. I made it running two miles, then walked and jogged the last two miles. It took me an hour. HOWEVER, I have a really good reason. No, my breathing was fine, my legs were fine, my body was fine (a bit parched but to be expected, lack of drinking water was also in play this weekend), but the real reason? I forgot to put a rubber band in my hair. My hair is long, too long, really, but I can tie it up in a bun without any "holders" and it stays put while walking and sitting. I got 1/4 a mile away when I realized I forgot to tie it up. Every two to three minutes I had to retie it and when I got to the point in my run where I thought a poor dead squirrel's tail might work well, I knew my mind had gotten the better of me, and I would have to walk more than jog. I will try again tomorrow!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

poor old bat

you guys are awful. I do NOT mean my mother-in-law (that post requires photos and some detail watch for it this week) or even my mother. Totally different type of old bat. This afternoon we were out perusing the newly de-pollened porch and Mr. P saw that we had a buddy:

From another angle:

We opened the door to the porch so he could escape when he woke up and we headed out for Mexican food and Star Trek. both were delicious. kudos to J.J. Abrahms and the new young crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

When we got home we checked on our tenant, and alas, he was not hanging from the lights. We were happy he had gone on his merry way. Then the highschool kid said, "oh. he isn't gone." And then I saw him. DEAD. on the table. right under where he was hanging. Mr. P checked on him, and his assessment on time of death, "a long ass time ago".

Poor old bat. literally.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Out of sync

By the time I had been awake for two hours I had done laundry and run 3 miles. Problem is, I got up at noon. I was up until well after 3am. Seems my hamthrax (not my term, Jen L. used it in a comment) has downgraded to croup. Which means as soon as I lay down, I am Coughy McCoughsALot. Plus, I have been using cold medicine at night so falling asleep has been easy, and now it is time for me to get off the meds. My waking hours are not in sync with the rest of my family, or any people on central time for that matter.

I am in a point in my schedule where I can "afford" to sleep in and only accomplish a 3.1 mile run in a workday. BUT, I have WORKwork to do. I have HOUSEwork to do. And I start thinking about getting something accomplished and I realize ehh...I still have 5 days until the house needs to be sparkly (owner coming by), and 8 days until my MOTHER shows up (oh my god. 8 days until my MOTHER shows up for EIGHT days), 11 days until I start summer school, and 13 days until my MOTHER-IN-LAW shows up (I need to write a whole post about what that means).* plenty of time to get everything done. plenty. that is my modus operandi. When I have buttloads to do, I do nothing, nothing, nothing, whirlwind.

Anyways, also out of sync? My stride. I know I did a 5K route, same neighborhood route we have done bunches of times, but today, I only got cred for 2.75 miles. DUDES. I am an accountant/auditor. If I report stats on WeightWatchers or here, I like backup. So this whole post I have felt guilty for saying 3 miles when my Nike+ only says 2.75. bitch.

For you WeightWatcher's out there...if I input jogging for 48 minutes (I know, right. turtling it up big time), I get credit for 9 Activity Points...but according to my Nike + I burned 494 calories which is 5 Activity Points. I have been going with the Nike +, but I like the WW more! WW seems to reward me for going longer but slower. (yeah, that's what she said.)

*There are also FUN things happening in the same window. Highschool kid in Fiddler on the Roof, Highschool kid becoming College Kid II, and sister, brother-in-law, and NEPHEW visiting!!!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Baby Steps

I managed to get a 1.72 mile workout in today, with 1 mile in a s-l-o-w jog and the rest walking. It felt amazing to work up a sweat again, I can't believe what a difference being able to exercise makes....not even for merely burning calories, but for mental fitness! Mr. P and I are meeting for Body Pump at 5:30pm. Not the best time, but there is one instructor that I can't STAND, she doesn't know the 'routine' and it makes me crazy, so now we are going at inconvenient times to avoid her. Guess why?

I am too sissy to rat her out for being awful because of all the crap I have gone through with teaching evaluations, I don't want to be a hypocrite.

But I am a hypocrite on another front... I spat today while on my jog (after having made a comment on another blog that I don' blech. Almost made me gag to do it, but I did it. So gross, but man, so necessary.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I have extremely high expectations. For most everything, but today I want to talk about my students, well ONE student. I grade everything with a magnifying glass, and you don't get nothing for free (except maybe a grammar lesson on the inappropriate use of a double negative).

In the past, my level of rigor has left my students annoyed, at best. "But I worked so hard." "I spent 34,890 hours studying." blah blah. This annoyance translated into crappy evals and even being called a fat ***** on SO, I instituted some bonus. However, as a caveat to said bonus I tell students I do NOT go by %. If you need 515 points to earn an A, it is going to take 515 POINTS. I don't care that 514 equates to an 89.8%, you would have only had 496 without the bonus. I made it CLEAR. Told them to study to make sure they weren't in that position because I wasn't going to budge.

Final grades were posted last night. I have a student with x points. x +2 points would be a C. This student never earned higher than a D on an exam. Actually scored a D on a project that the average was a B+. The student admits to not owning the book so he/she couldn't earn any bonus. (When we are on computer chapters, I make them do a lesson and turn it in so I know they have at least minimal experience on the tool).

Here is the thing...I FEEL GUILTY. But I rationalize to myself....why should I give the two points when he/she didn't have the wherewithall to get the fucking book and earn the two points? Why do students do this? Why not just do the work up front instead of using all of this energy begging for a grade. I really think the student thinks I am doing this to be a bitch...but I had 60 other students who followed the policy. Giving in to this student feels unfair to me. Level playing field and all.

What do you think?

OH, and right when I thought I was going to have some leisure time, I got FOUR papers from FOUR different journals to review yesterday. In ONE day. Star Wars day be fucked, May the Fourth be with you. Damn it.

ETA: I changed the numbers in the post because I am all paranoid like that.

Monday, May 4, 2009


My unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy behavior finally caught up with me and I gained 1.6lbs this week...this is the first week I got BETTER at being fat in months. My score is UP to 87.81%. Even worse, while I only gained 1.6lbs, I gained 1.77lbs of FAT. Which means, I lost .17 lbs of muscle that I died a little to put on during Body Pump. Everything we worked so hard to put into place during January, February, March and most of April, we have let come completely undone the last 10 days.

Ready to get back in gear, I was up, double holstered and raring to go, got .14 miles, then coughed up a nice, gooey piece of lung, and had to come home with my fat (+ 1.77 lbs) ass tucked between my legs. Fuck me. This cough is wrecking my world. I read online that anything below the neck you should rest, and not try to exercise, but I have not done ONE thing in 48 hours but rest, and I thought maybe the cough when I got out of bed was *the last one*.

This means I will have to tackle something I have NEVER been successful at...watching what I eat without the safety net of exercise, at least for a few days. For me, exercise is not just about the extra food I can eat, a good bout of exercise makes me crave eating healthy and drinking water, keeps my giant hunger machine at bay, and generally makes me feel SO good about myself. What is making this worse is that after today, I am on 'vacation' until May 18th...I give my last final today, I don't start summer teaching until May 18th so I don't have a regular schedule. I have work to do, but can do it whenever the urge arises, and I really, really thought I was going to be super athlete and really do some good runs, classes at the gym, long walks around town, etc.

Instead I am going to sit on my couch very still and try to keep my lungs in my body. I promise, with you the interwebs as my witness, I will never take being well for granted!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Movie Deal Project, Take One

Okay, so I feel pretty confident that I am going to do the "one new thing a week" idea from Jen of Hey Y'all.

I was thinking that I would start each month with a "Reader's Choice." Within reason, well, let me rephrase, I will start of this project with a "Reader's Choice" and then we will see how nutball you guys are with your ideas. Remember, I am doing this to broaden my horizons..... okay, not really, I am doing this to get a book and/or movie (even though some chick with a big blog said you can NOT get rich from your blog, whatever)...and I disagree with Astarte, I think people will LINE UP to see Bette Midler and Denzel Washington searching a lake for a fresh water jellyfish that really might have been a baggie, but I guess I could be open for suggestions as we start inking up the deal with the production company. On the same vein, it is going to be a great ensemble far we have Anne Hathaway and Kate Winslet, in addition to Denzel and Bette).

Anyway, I digress. In the next week or two, I will create a poll for my first endevour which I will undertake during the first week in June, so start thinking about something you have wanted to try or do but haven't for whatever reason, a book, a recipe, an exercise class, etc. I will be teaching summer school, so I will have time, but not loads and loads of time, and I will be fairly limited on cash, so helicopter lessons and deep sea fishing are probably off the list (for that week, anyhow). After I get some entries (in addition to the ones you already sent in), I will post a poll, you guys will vote, and the winning entry will be the first task I will complete in my lameass attempt to score a movie deal.

I will work on accomplishing "THE task" during the first week of June and report back. I am really very goofily excited about this, I think I just needed something other that weightloss and tenure to obsess over!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Here we go, here we go again.

I am back on the crud. I keep teasing Mr. P that I gots the swine flu, but it is really the back end of the allergy/coldy thing I had last week. That is why it is a gorgeous Saturday and I have my laptop and DVR, not a boat and a tent. boo.

But that isn't what I meant. My stress dreams are back. When I was working on my PhD, I had this recurring dream that right before I defended my dissertation, Mr. P re-enlisted in the Air Force and he got stationed in Germany. I go with him, but can't get a job teaching because I am not done with my degree, and I am relegated to working as a cashier. During the dream, I ask myself...why the fuck didn't I just stay and finish, then join Mr. P later? (I tend to forget in these dreams that I do actually have a Master's degree and could just be a regular accountant.)

Then I defended my dissertation and the dreams went away.

Now they are back with a little twist. I leave my current position without getting tenure, move to an obscure Air Force base in Germany without contacting anyone about teaching overseas, and get there and have to try to find a job because we just can't make it on an E-4's salary. Again, I wonder in my dream, why are we so dumb?

I am not sure this dream would make that good of a movie, so I am leaning towards the one new thing a week plan. (Jen, you are on the path to that TGIFriday's gift certificate.) I already have ideas for some of the new things, and think I might divide them into categories: healthy healthy healthy new things, entertainment new things, goody goody new things (stuff that is good for environment, volunteering, etc.), and miscellaneous new things. What might make this a bit of a challenge is that I do NOT have NYC as a backdrop, but a tiny town in Alabama, so I will have to get creative! *

I think this is golden...really, who would not want to see Bette Midler take a spin class, make muscadine jam or go to midnight bowling? SCORE. I see a summer release, maybe 2012.

*As a bonus, I can incorporate everyone's ideas into this plan (well, maybe not dog poop art) so you need to start thinking about who will play YOU in the movie!

Friday, May 1, 2009

green is not my best color

Before I started reading blogs, and way before I even started this blog, I read a book about a guy who read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. I liked that he had a goal, and worked through it. I don't remember how I found it, but right after that I found a blog about a chick who was working her way through a Julia Child cookbook. She then turned that blog into a book, and now Nora freaking Ephron turned it into a movie with Meryl Streep.

I never had the idea to cook all 524 recipes in Julia Child cookbook and chronicle my adventures. It isn't like she scooped me or slighted me in ANY way whatsoever, but last night when I saw the trailer, I was bizarrely envious that her blog got turned into a movie.

Seeing that ad has inspired me. Instead of sitting here pouting that I don't have a movie, I need to be proactive and find my own list to accomplish and chronicle and get a movie....I am not sure that running 5K's with a double barrel water belt is going to cut it. UNLESS, I decide to run a 5K in all 50 states....mmm.

Let's see...what else? The whole Kama Sutra? no. my sister and kids read this, and I don't think Nora E. is up for porn, plus I think CK is already doing that. Going to 52 zoos in 52 weeks? NO, someone else is doing that. Live in each of the towns on the top 100 places to live list for one month? That would probably get expensive. Eat only McDonald's for a month? Damn, been done.

I am out of ideas, so here is the thing. I want to do something list-like, fun, and inexpensive and fairly quick to get over with because I bore easily (in fact, I am almost over it already). In addition, it needs to be SO awesome that I get a movie deal. If you suggest the right one, and I do it and get a movie deal...I will totally cut you in and send you free movie tickets. and maybe a TGIFriday's gift certificate, so you could go to dinner. and. a movie. damn. that is a good prize.

Because I am a planner and I have faith that someone will send me the exact.right thing to do to get a blog/book/movie deal, I need to start narrowing down the list of who should play me. At least we have already established that Denzel Washington will play the role of Mr. P.
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