Saturday, May 16, 2009

McFattie at the Olympics

I woke up this morning to a very chatty mother which means her eye is now "annoying" and not painful. which now means she is extra annoying and extremely painful. to me.

Mr. P and I decide we want to go for a run. We get ready and tell mom she is welcome to join us, because after we run at this particular park I like to feed the turtles. She grabbed a pack of cigarettes, a Diet Coke and a sandwich and crammed them all in her pocket. sweet.

I completed my second workout in the running challenge I joined earlier this week. The run was HOT and HARD. It is tougher than I thought it would be. I am doing intervals like week 1 of Couch to 5K, but they are longer, and I am trying to keep a 10ish minute mile for the running intervals. I am getting about 2.6 miles in distance in the 40 minutes, I can't quite keep up the running pace for the 1:40 I am 'supposed' to, but it will come.

After we finish and we feed the turtles, my mom says she needs to talk to me about something before my sister arrives. okay. what's up? She says that she really wants to go get an ice cream sundae. mmkay. why do we have to do that before my sister arrives?

"Your sister is serious about her counting points."

Apparently, I am keeping my amateur status in WeightWatchers in case I ever want to Fattie it up in the Olympics.

Now, do you want to hear how she bought a box of strawberry danish Poptarts, an Arizona Plum Tea and Transformer fruit snacks that were on CLEARANCE at the grocery store to eat on the plane on her way home? Or how she told me that she liked my taste, but that the rest of the world likely would not? Maybe we could talk about how my mother has made awful generalizations about people that made me slightly nutball, things like if someone is an illegal immigrant or from Iran they are likely a terrorist. Better yet, I will just tell you that she has been carrying around a piece of a sandwich in her pocket, and whining at me when it leaks on her.

We finished the day at the final performance of Fiddler on the Roof. The highschool kid is really impressive, we were quite proud. After mom presented him with flowers and told him how awesome he was, we lost her. It was raining so Mr. P said he would get the truck, so I hit the ladies room. I found the college kid in the lobby and asked where mom was. She looked around and said, 'oops, I lost her'. Then something catches my eye. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, do NOT let that be my mother standing in the rain wearing a trash bag smoking a cigarette. right. in. front. of the theater.

damn it. no such luck. two down, six to go. fuck me.


DAVs said...

It's time to start writing that book about your family. I am imagining a bestseller for sure.

Transformer Fruit Snacks? On clearance? Oh my.

Sorry you're not an Olympic athlete in your moms eyes...but really, do you trust those eyes?

Astarte said...

Seriously, you can't trust your mom's outlook on things, she has hamthrax eye!!!!

Does she have a Condition or anything? She sounds really, really loony!!!

If you write a book, I would SOOOO read it!

Anonymous said...

Your mom reminds me of mine. Just exchange the cigarette for a drink and the terrorist comments for gay comments. And add some crying to the whining.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I'll be there soon, not that that will really help but at least it will be more people to deflect her annoyiness.

Jen L. said...

Dear. Lord. I have been out of town, so I'm catching up. Just read the last entry and almost peed myself laughing. I'm SO SORRY you got the crazy mom. My husband also sends his condolences.

Seriously, you need to write this stuff down. HS Kid will have audition material for YEARS if he writes monologues out of these stories.

Am happy to see that "hamthrax" has become a household word for you. It has for us as well. Hang in there!

Fatinah said...

another classic!

is it wrong to wish you had a video recorder with you???


Not Your Aunt Bea said...

You are cracking me up. I needed that. Your mom is a piece of work. How many points are in vodka? You are gonna need a bottle or two...just to get through today!
Super proud of your high school kid though. That's awesome!

Swistle said...

I soooo wish I could say I was sorry she was visiting. But instead I am happy, because your reports from the front are so funny.

kilax said...

I love when people give completely hypocritical advice (well, input). Especially if they are family.


I love reading about your runs! I know you are going to be making that pace soon! :)

creative kerfuffle said...

holy hell. i know we've said this before but i so think my dad is related to your mom. throw in some suspenders (red/white/and blue of course) and bright yellow SPONGEFUCKINGBOB t'shirt, jim beam and comments on every other race/religion and we're golden. i must admit though, this post did crack me the hell up : ) hang in there!!!

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