Monday, May 11, 2009

realization

I had an epiphany today. It will be obvious to the rest of you, but somehow it was escaping me for the last couple of weeks. Dudes, I am still fat. Yes, I am less fat than I was, and yes, I am healthier than I was, and for both of those things I am grateful and acknowledge the journey I have made towards becoming a healthy, healthy, healthy me. But today, I had to admit to myself, that my journey is far, Far, FAR from over. far. really, pretty far.

It happened at the gym. I was at Body Pump with Mr. P sweating, working hard, feeling strong, and looked up to check my form in the mirror. I looked through all the reflections, and when my eyes settled on the right person, I was TRULY surprised at how big I still am. It was quite shocking and disheartening.

To help myself regroup and refocus, I joined a running challenge with Natasha from Creating Natasha. A group of bloggers are working on the Couch to 5K program. Since I already completed that program during the first leg of my journey, and I wanted to play the running challenge and I am stuck on a running plateau, I used my handy, dandy Excel spreadsheet and converted the program to a Couch to 5 MILE program. I really liked the schedule of the program, the increasing intensity, the feeling of accomplishment and the feel of interval training.

Theoretically I still have 100 pounds to lose (to get to a 'healthy' weight for my height). I have been blind to my weight for years, and while it definitely stings to be reminded, I needed it.

11 comments:

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Oh, Hotch. Mirrors should be banned from the gym. When I belonged to a gym (when it was in the budget), I worked out in the "ladies only" area a bit where there were no mirrors. It is hard.
But yay on the running challenge. You're going to win (if it is a contest) because you are so good about doing it. Just look at your mini! She kicks butt!

kilax said...

This is going to sounds weird, but it is something I think often, and I want to try to explain.

When I look in the mirror, and still see fat on my body (because it truly is there), I am grateful. I think, "Wow, I feel amazing and great, but look at all of this fat I still have to lose! My journey is not over!" It lets me know that I still have something to work toward. It lets me know I have not "plateau-d," and that even if I stall or mess up, I still get to enjoy working hard at whittling that fat away.

That problem didn't make any sense, but I really think that way. :) Be proud of how much you've changed, even if you "ARE" still fat. You should walk around with a smile on your face, knowing what you can achieve. You can run a 5K! And are on your way to 5 miles! You really kick ass.

DAVs said...

I think I've said this before, but when my patients have a significant amount of weight to lose, I tell them to lose it five at a time. Lose five pounds, and then lose five more. Don't feel overwhelmed by a big, daunting number. You'll get there. Look how far you've already come!

Anonymous said...

I've said it a hundred times but denial really helped me. I really thought that I ONLY needed to lose 20 lbs, which didn't seem like a big deal...now I realize it is more like 60 lbs...

Yesterday I was jogging and I just kept thinking, man this sucks, I'm fat and it has been A YEAR GODDAMNIT, I SHOULD be skinny.

tracy

Bulge to Bump said...

I think starting a new program is a great way to refocus. I could use some refocusing myself. I slept in this morning, instead of getting up to run...and now it's raining.

Let us know how the running challene goes!!

Stormy Vawn Bradley said...

I was having the same thoughts you were having. It takes time and we have to be patient with ourselves.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

First, baby steps, right? I mean, if you lost all the weight you wanted to overnight, the likelihood of keeping it off is grim. Taking things little by little is definitely the way to go. And I love your idea of taking the couch to 5K up a notch. Great way to keep moving and stay motivated!

Shelley said...

I've had that shock and horrible realization of how much I have to lose. If I really focus on it, I can get depressed, so I tend to put it in a box on a shelf in my mind and just go on doing what I should be doing. Sounds like you are on track with doing this in a healthy way, and that's what is most important. And hey - one of these days you will look at yourself in the mirror and get a pleasant surprise!

Big Girl said...

Good luck with the C25k program. It looks like a great way to refocus.

wafelenbak said...

I'm giving you a big round of applause for taking a moment to refocus!
For what it is worth, I lost all the weight I wanted to lose and I'm still in a healthy range but I am backsliding something terrible. And it is not about the weight now, but about what is triggering me to do this (and about how shitty I feel when I do something like cram two bags of chips in my pie-hole because I am stressed out). My trainer is leading me through a "reboot" and I am so, so ready. I will surely blog how it goes. :)

Astarte said...

I HATE mirrors in the gym, especially in the classrooms. I mean, who the hell wants to see themselves from every angle when they're doing a situp or a downward dog (shudder!)??? No, thank you. Hang in there, you're doing great, and just because you have a long way to go doesn't negate how far you've come. I have less than you to lose, but you can run WAY farther than I can. Remember that, that you are amazing.

 
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