Thursday, May 14, 2009

big green balls

of nerves are invading my body. That is what I envision going on it there anyway. My mother arrives tomorrow, and I was weirdly looking forward to it, but then I know she is going to be super annoying. She made some mention of making sure she had a fancy outfit for graduation, and I kind of was ignoring her, but now I wish I had listened better to that...I really should have gone to the dentist this week, he is typically pretty liberal with the valium. oh, and I think she (my Mom, not my dentist) found my blog, because someone googled the following and found me:

My mom drives my sister nuts with her weird food stuff. She wouldn't eat hummus because, "she didn't like the word," and wouldn't eat a wheat english muffin because she doesn't like wheat, but LOVES Triscuits. Since my sister and I both are on WeightWatchers it is likely that we will actually feast on whole wheat pitas and hummus sandwiches, and my mom will live on cigarettes and Snapple.

Then we have the other half of my parental team. My Dad will arrive on Friday afternoon, in full Harley gear, because Saturday morning he leaves with 3 of his loser friends to go on their "ride" to NYC. They can't wait to ride their bikes down Broadway. It is my Dad's "ride" which means he planned it, talked about it for a million hours, and bosses his friends around. It is obnoxious and horrific. If you live somewhere between Alabama and NYC and you see 4 old douchebags a la the movie Hog Wild....the loudest, most obnoxious one is NOT my Dad. As an aside, we are in the midst of texting now about said trip, NOT about how my kid is graduating high school. I FUCKING know that you will be on the bike. I KNOW that you leave for NJ the next day. I KNOW. You have been telling me for 6 months. I get it already.

The parents got divorced 13 or 14 years ago, and haven't been in the same place since my sister got married (that I recall). They both swear they are going to behave, which means when the other is out of earshot (hopefully) they will talk about how fat/skinny, old, weird, loud, blah the other one is. I LOVE family get togethers. Thank the baby Jesus that my sister and her gorgeous and funny toddler will be here to deflect.

My in-laws are not going to be visiting, which did kill off about half the green balls, but now we have to go there (Wyoming) in July. My mother-in-law is pretty sick, so I will hold off making fun of her until she is doing better. In the mean time I will be trying to find some fun stuff to do on the 8,023,567 mile drive that I can incorporate into my movie.

Oh, but opening night of Fiddler on the Roof was last night, and the highschool kid was very good. ONLY issue was the lady in front of me was wearing low rise jeans and I could see most of her ass the entire show. VERY distracting. oh, and because I am such a sophisticated son of a bitch, my kid said the line, "Your daughter has a quick and witty tongue," and it made me kind of snort. Maybe you just gotta know my kid.


Bulge to Bump said...

My parents got divorced 11 years ago and now they are best friends. It weirds me out! My husband jokes about them "hooking up" They go to concerts together and take road trips...strange because they never did these little dates while married. My mom even had to tell me about my dad buying her a drink at a concert...the drink was a "red-headed slut". That also freaks me out too, because they never drank when I was growing up.
I guess either extreme, not being able to be in the same room together or being buddy buddy can causes family drama.

Fatinah said...

you crack me up! Good luck with your visit!

Anonymous said...

I bet "big green balls" will get you lots of blog hits. lol

I have a stressful family time coming up too - i am not looking forward to my big green balls!

DAVs said...

Ahhh families. Sorta gotta love 'em...well, most of them time anyway.

I hope you have a blast with 'the baby' and Tracy!

Anonymous said...

Sorry it will be a tense time for you. Maybe Mrs. Hummus and Mr. Harley will behave themselves.

Anonymous said...

D Day.

I HATE Dad's motorcycle trip. I am so fucking sick of it. I am trying to figure out a way to NOT hang out with him when he is here, I have absolutely zero interest in that.

kilax said...

That line would make me laugh too! ;)

Sounds like you have quite the weekend ahead of you. At least you have your sense of humor to get you through it. And it will give you lots of stories to tell us! :)

Astarte said...

Ooooohhhhh, your dad sounds like the kind of person who would drive me over the ever-lovin' edge. Egad. Just try to focus on the graduation, and not someone's tacky ass hanging out, or your parents' petty comments. I think it will probably all be OK. :)

20somethingfatty said...

Ahh you're always good for a laugh. I hope everything goes well this weekend!

SoMi's Nilsa said...

You're hilarious, HP. This post was exploding with sass! If only your dad was in NYC last weekend ... I could've thrown some tacks on the road as a welcome on your behalf. BTW, I think you're old enough to tell your folks to STFU if the situation warrants it. Also, if you figure out what to do on the million-mile drive, will you let me know ... I'm going to be doing a similar one this summer to Montana! Here's hoping for a smooth sailing weekend and lots of celebrations!

Anonymous said...

I want to know what she is wearing, how many times she has told you about her trip on the plane like she is the only one who has ever gone anywhere in a plane, and what she brought to wear to graduation.

creative kerfuffle said...

wow. the high school kid is done w/ high school. are you freaking the hell out about that???? srsly. i think i'd be a basketcase for sure. your baby and all. ok, maybe i'm just a sap.

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