hi JOE

The highschool kid and I were vegging on the couch waiting for Mr. P to come home, and when he did, he came in the room, and said, very cheerfully, "Hi People" to which I replied just as cheerfully, "Hi JOE". mmm. Joe is NOT his name, that is the name of my dog. whoops.

2 hours later...

Mr. P and I are both laptopping watching American Idol and Mr. P says to the cat, "CAT, you are bothering me." I ask him what she is doing, and he says, "She is reading over my shoulder and it is just annoying".

Operation Visit Steamboat: Take Two

After having my heart broken by a snowstorm in December, my sister and I coordinated another weekend and this morning I bought my tickets to visit her in 3 weeks! I am very excited. I will get baby time, sister time, and away from work time!

On a different note...this is the first time in YEARS I have purchased airline tickets without my gut sinking that I may have to ask for a seatbelt extender...I do not think I will need one this time! Just one more bit of motivation to keep me on this journey.

Monday Monday

This morning I took my test, and I scored a 95.91%. I feel like that is not an A+ anymore, just a plain, regular, albeit solid A. So while I am still quite good at being a fatty, I can honestly say that my fat skills are deteriorating.


Last week my scale was quite rude and told me my fat percentage without me even asking...so I decided to be proactive and added some columns to my spreadsheet. I used those columns this morning and while I lost 3.2lbs this week, I lost 4.33lbs of FAT. That is the math Mama likes to do.


Oh, and while on accomplishments, I got tagged as the 2nd Biggest Loser for my team last week on the Blog Edition of Biggest Loser! However, I feel like I need to clarify...while I have lost every pound that is on the Biggest Loser spreadsheet, the timing is a bit off. We reported our starting weights, which was December 29. Then our first 'weigh-in' was January 12, but I only reported the pounds lost from January 5 - January 12, so the two pounds from over New Year's got lost in the shuffle. So while I did have a big week and lost 7 pounds, the other 2 pounds were from the "warm-up" period.

Putting in a 9 hour day on a Saturday...

Mr. P and I put in a 9 hour day eating out, shopping, eating out again, and then some more shopping. Purely decadent, and so. much. fun.

When we set out, I had a few things I knew for sure I wanted to get...and then also hoped to stumble across some fun stuff. On the top of my list was spotted dick pudding, the kind you can microwave, because cooking spotted dick pudding on the stove is such a pain in the ass. CHECK.

Then, next on the list was some sunglasses for Mr. P. Check.

After I read my sister's post from last weekend, I NEEDED a chili/chocolate bar and hand weights. check. check.

After we got home and pulled everything out of the bags to put away,

I had much needed realization. I have had a crappy attitude this week, some of it had to do with the healthy, healthy, healthy stuff, some of it was because I am getting anxious about the status of a few of my papers for work, some of it was that I get just downright cranky when the weather is gray.

While you might see pens, a paring knife and Chinese New Year monkey bank, there is more important stuff in there. There is being married to the person that you want to spend 9 hours with looking in every nook and cranny of eight stores. There are stable jobs in a time where many are suffering from economic uncertainty. There is the luxury of not working on the weekends. oh. and Extra watermelon gum. All very. Very. VERY. good. stuff.

P.S. The long tube looking thing in the back of the montage picture is a 3-D shark kite for Steamboat's visit in MAY. Apparently uncles fly kites with nephews and you just can not risk passing up such a kite as this.

Let's call them "quirks"

So, do you have any odd rituals or habits that seem to rage on and on and on despite causing undo pain and suffering on your husband? Seemingly, I do.

• I eat all "spoon" desserts with a plastic baby spoon. I bought a set of baby spoons right after Steamboat was born for, well Steamboat, but then I came to realize if you eat your dessert with a tiny spoon you get more bites and it lasts longer. I don't really care for the metal ones with the plastic coated tip, I like the all plastic multi-colored ones, and I never use one that "matches" my dessert. For example, I avoid yellow when I am eating banana cream pudding, and pink NEVER gets used with peppermint ice cream.
• I like popcorn and gummy bears. Mixed together preferably.
• I carry straws in my purse because I cannot drink anything with ice unless I use a straw. I have done this for so long, I don't even have the motor skills necessary to manage a drink with ice without sloshing it all over me. I buy straws in bulk at Sam's and this habit is so well known that when I was finishing up school and started interviewing, my sister made me a travel kit with tiny toiletries, and STRAWS.
• I will NOT watch a movie, even one I have seen 100 times if I don't see the opening credits. However, I will watch any episode of Top Chef, from any point, and as many times in a row as Bravo provides.

These are the few "quirks" that have surfaced as spots of annoyance in the last couple of days. I personally think they are endearing qualities of a smart, quirky lady. Mr. P seems to think I might have a screw loose.

After re-reading my list, it seems I might. might, I say, have a weird issue with FOOD. huh. what do you know.

So what makes you a weirdo?

If I don't return

to edit this post by, say late afternoonish, send out a St. Bernard with some whiskey and fried chicken because my first attempt at a 10K did not. go. well. and maybe I am injured and/or starving at the park, or maybe just in my yard since I am walking to the park from my house.

Oh, and to clarify from the other day, I will not be RUNNING a 10K. I will be participating in a 10K which means all the fit and trim people who pass out the water and the bananas at the end will be staring at their watches and rolling their eyes waiting for the fattish lady (they are more polite than I am) to get the hell done or pass out and get in the ambulance already, because they are ready to take their 9 year olds home who finished the 10K forever ago.

Until I return then....bye. If I never return...I love you...

Edited to add: Thanks for all the encouragement, and guess what? I DID IT! Check out my girlie girl. (She is overstating a bit, I actually did just over 6.75 miles in 2 hours and 8 minutes).
<-----------------------------------------------

I have a serious problem

with NOT being able to get food from a plate to my mouth without something inevitably landing on my shirt. I am not talking about when I eat spaghetti, or padthai with chopsticks...I am talking I can eat a salad without dressing and STILL stain my clothes. This problem came to a head this morning when I was getting ready for work.


So, I decide on black dress pants, and I will couple it with a turtleneck sweater since it is in the chillzone down here. My first choice: blue. I feel like blue works best with my winter coloring.

mmkay. I seem to have a little schmutz on my sweater. Throw on the bed, and go for red, in celebration of nearly Valentine's Day, and damn, I look good in red too.

Okay. FINE. How about a nice forest green?

Holy Hell. Now I am down to pink and lavender. And orange. But I wore orange last week. Okay, fine. Pink.

Well at least there is some variety. Instead of stain residue on the boobage area, there seems to be wing sauce on the near ass area. So I guess I am stuck with the lavender. ugh.

Yes, I am aware that wearing the exact same outfit every day with slight changes in hue does not make me ready for fashion week. But if you can buy a sweater for $6, I say buy it, and all of its friends. That way, when you ruin FIVE of them (I spilled bleach on my brown one), you still have a fucking purple sweater to wear to work.

and those come from dolphins?

Me: I am feeling very pissy. I really think I need some endorphins.

Mr. P: Endorphins?

Me: Yeah. You are crabby, so I think you need some too.

Mr. P: Endorphins.

Me: Yeah. Endorphins.

Mr. P: And those come from dolphins?

Yeah, I must retract all my healthy postulating from last week. I was healthy, healthy, healthy girl yesterday, and still managed to lose my shit at dinner over MEAT. Oy vay. (Edited: I thought I was all clever with that verbiage, then read a post at CreativeKerfuffle that I have read before, and realized...mmm...not that clever, just a decent memory for turns of phrase.) So, instead of that, how about, instead I go with...suffering succotash? ehh. It is the end of the day now, best I got.

I had texted Mr. P that I wanted salad and a slice for dinner after the gym, and he heartily agreed. So after the gym, we at the pizza place and are discussing what we are going to get and he says that he is going to get a large garden salad with buffalo grilled chicken and a slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza. Now, I, am getting a large garden salad with a slice of cheese. The whole time he is talking about the meat, I feel like I am going to cry because...why, oh why, must he torment me by eating so much meat? So I say, "I am going to make you do Weight Watchers too, so that way you can't have ALL THAT MEAT."

uhh. What?!? Thing is, I don't even like meat all that much. I go days without eating meat, and I never, EVER, eat meat on pizza, and only in a salad if it is my "main course". Now, Mr. P LOVES meat. He likes meat on everything, he gets especially giddy if there is a way to have meat on meat, like a bacon cheeseburger, etc. But for some reason, last night, I felt like he was taunting me with italian pizza meat.

Now that I keep typing meat, I keep thinking of "meat" and the post has lost all integrity. nevermind. stupid meat.

My new scale is kind of a bitch

Last Monday morning I had a weigh in problem in that my scale looked down a pound, but it was one I bought for maybe $8 and was the non-digital kind, so in other words, a crappy scale, and when I moved it to better light, I then weighed about 30lbs less. While I would have loved to believe that, I went with -1 pound and immediately ordered a new scale on Amazon.

So when I took my Fat Test this morning, I was still excellent at being fat, BUT not quite as nearly perfect as I was last week....I got a 97.08%. I feel confident that next week I might actually drop out of the A+ range.

Well, then, when ALL I asked of my new scale was to give me my weight, she took it upon herself to tell me what proportion of my body was FAT. 53.3%. What a bitch. I was all feeling giddy over my 7 pounds* lost, and then she has to RUIN it with her damn Fat%. Then, then, after that...she gets all cocky and shows me my BMI, a hefty, nearly dead person's at 45.71. So while I was feeling all fit and trim, reality bites my apparently very, very, very fat ass, and I realize...mmm. I still have quite a ways to go.

Being the accountant that I am, I added a few columns to my weight tracking spreadsheet, and being the new healthier, better attitude person that I am, I decided...hell, now I have more shit to track and see how much fat pounds I lose, how much my BMI goes down, blah blah blah. Jackass scale.

In other news related to the healthy, healthy, healthy us, Mr. P, the kid in college and I are going to participate in a 10K in three weeks. For all of my non-metrically inclined friends that is 6.2 MILES. I guess I should get my 53.3% fat ass up off this couch and get to training...that is FAR.

*This number won't correspond with my Biggest Loser number because I had just reported the pound I lost last week, forgetting that we should have reported two weeks worth of weigh-ins. Bottom line, weight and pounds lost will be correct from here forward.

I didn't even scream at him.

The high school kid and I share a car that Mr. P bought for us about three years ago. It is a fine car for driving around town, getting to and from work and school. However, over the last two months, the car leaks something, and a different warning light comes on, nearly on a daily basis. Perhaps it will be "Low Coolant", maybe "Service Engine Soon," or even "Service Automobile Soon". Maybe something about changing the oil. Anyway, we have a little bit of money in savings and I have been nagging Mr. P just to get the damn thing fixed already, and he hesitates...he is fairly mechanically inclined and hates to pay mechanics if he thinks he can do it.

About a month ago I warned him...we have the money, you have had the time and you didn't take care of it. If the damn thing breaks down on me on my way to work and I miss a class or a meeting, or I am stranded because you are working out of town, I may punch you in the nuts while I SCREAM at you. In other words I ensured him that I would lose my shit if that car broke down on me. (Do you see where this story is going?)

So, Friday night we were going to meet at the gym after work. Yes, us the people who put drinking beer after work on Fridays on the map, we were going to the gym, then the grocery store, then home to play Risk. Healthy, healthy, healthy. Mr. P arrived at the gym before I did, and texted me. About this time, DING. DING. DING. I look at the panel and the car is seriously overheating. I immediately pull over. Smoke/steam/fog something is pouring out from under the hood. I try to call Mr. P. Guess what? Our gym is in a "dead zone", so my calls were going directly to voice mail. I could feel myself getting more and more and more angry. I was trying to figure out the best combination of words...I thought about including, lazy, inconsiderate, jackass, and I would probably throw some fuckity fucks for good measure.

I called the boy at home, and had him look up the gym's phone number so I could get Mr. P paged, and apparently he heard the receptionist repeat his name, and found service and called me. When he arrived, I had a policeman for company and had already called AAA. When Mr. P walked up, I said, "Remember how I told you that this would happen?" The policeman looked at Mr. P with pity and left. Mr. P apologized, said he would take me to the gym, and he would wait for the tow truck. I had so many words I wanted to say, but then I just thought, you know what? We have the money to get it fixed. It happened to me when Mr. P was 2 miles away, not to the highschool kid when we were in Charleston. It happened when there was no pressure to be anywhere at a certain time, and on a three day weekend so we have time to arrange for transportation for me and the highscool kid. It happened.

I did my workout, and then you know what? I was over it.

mmm. So I guess there is something else to this healthier lifestyle, beyond the physical benefits. I felt the anxiety and ANGER rising up, but then I was able to control myself and not scream at Mr. P. I am thinking about how that could have changed my whole weekend had I done what I normally would do (scream mercilessly at Mr. P). We wouldn't have had a good workout, then fun browsing the grocery store, then a nice evening of watching Planet Earth and playing Risk with both kids. He wouldn't have been so eager to taxi the kids and I to see Paul Blart Mall Cop AND Bride Wars on a cold, grey Saturday. We wouldn't have had such a good time grabbing a beer with yet ANOTHER friend I hadn't seen in 20 years last night.

We might just now be getting back to normal after a weekend of stress, not getting ready to go the park for a walk, then planning our menu for watching football this afternoon.

This way is better.

I am drinking that Kool-Aid, baby!

Last Saturday night I went to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in 20 years. After about an hour of talking I told her that I get a bit trepidacious reuniting with "childhood" friends because you don't know their journey, you only knew who they were, you don't know who they have become, and what if you come to realize you just. don't. like. them. but you have kind of made a commitment to revive the friendship? Perhaps worse, what if they just. don't. like. you?

Anyway, that didn't happen, but there was one thing that she said that made me pause. She was talking about filling out her match.com profile and one of the questions was, "What are you passionate about?" and for the life of her she couldn't figure it out. She is a VERY even keel person, so she wasn't sure she had much passion. So she called her BFF and said, "Am I passionate about anything" and her friend said, "Well, we fight about politics, a lot. So I would guess you are passionate about politics." At that point in her story I laughed and said that guys dig girls who love politics so she should absolutely put that on her profile, and then my friend said, "Well, that friend is just drinking the Obama Kool-Aid."

Hells yeah, baby! I love that Obama Kool-Aid!

Tara posted the weekly Obama YouTube on her blog, and I am going to post it here as well.


Going along with the message, my first Habitat for Humanity meeting is Tuesday evening. I have volunteered my money, but I have never volunteered my time. I am very excited to get started.

As an added benefit (not that I needed one at all), I found on WeightWatchers that "sawing by hand" burns 100 calories in 10 minutes. So for every 20 minutes of sawing, that equals one beer I can drink and break even for the week. I am totally signing up to saw by hand. Maybe even a bit of hammering.

So drink up, my friends. (The Obama Kool-Aid, not beer.)

We have a nation to change!

cats at the post office

So as part of our polite conversation the other night Mr. P told me a story about a cat named Sammy.

Sammy lives in a VERY small town next to the small town that I live in, and he lives at the Post Office. Apparently he has lived there for a long time, and all the residents of said small town enjoying seeing him asleep on a table at the Post Office when they go in to get their mail, as would I.

Well, someone did not like Sammy at the Post Office and complained that it was a federal building, and Sammy did not pay federal taxes so he should not be allowed inside so Sammy got banned. The sign even said, "Sammy (The Post Office Cat)" is not allowed inside the post office.

Well, some of the locals got some cash together, called a press conference with a television station from the state capital, and got Sammy a post office box. Now, since he has a box he is a customer, and is allowed back in the post office.

I KNOW, right? That is a great "cat triumphs in the face of post office discrimination" story. Can't get enough of those.

So, I googled it to get a picture of said Sammy, and there is MORE to the story. Apparently now Sammy is getting postcards, letters and packages from all over, including Australia! However, said someone now has written a complaint that he/she is highly allergic to cats, so Sammy has been banned yet again. DAMN.

In my brain I think I get that people should come before cats in the postal setting. But, really, I am on the cat's side, perhaps to the point of irrationality. First if "the cat banner" was really allergic, why the first letter that the cat doesn't pay taxes? Second, if I had a post office box and there was another customer that wore a perfume I was allergic to, or who wore a wool sweater I was allergic to and might touch accidentally, or who was just very ugly and I didn't like to look at, I could not just get them banned due to my potential discomfort.

Isn't this situation exactly why God invented epi-pens?

*PS This post is not intended to make light of any one's serious allergies. I just believe said "cat banner" is full of shit since the cat has lived there for ages and not ONCE have I read in the paper about someone succumbing to allergies at the post office.

Would you consider this ironic?

or is it more an oxymoron?

I mix organic milk with maltodextrin, tetrasodium pyrophosphate and xantham gum among other things to create a sugar-free, fat-free banana cream pudding.

Hit me last night that if I was just going to add a bunch of shit to it, I may as well save a buck per gallon and go with the chemical laden milk.

We had a great date night, but it was kind of weird. I am not sure I can explain it right. We were sitting in a fairly empty, quiet restaurant, and we are NOT necessarily quiet people, so we sipped our water and had quiet conversation and left the cursing in the truck. We used all the correct cutlery, napkins on the laps, and Mr. P even stood up when I excused myself to powder my nose, and again on my return. Not that we are heathens, but it was just SO polite. ehh. I had a good time, but it was more "grownup" than we are, typically.

We came home, got snuggled up on the couch and watched a BRUTAL American Idol. Okay, bikini girl? really? I couldn't believe that new judge got all up and singing. Also, I thought Simon was exceptionally dicky last night. But, I sort of see his point, you know what the show is now after how ever many seasons, and that if you suck. that. bad. you are setting yourself up to be ridiculed. Not that it doesn't make me all squirmy and very interested in my iPhone during those auditions, but still guys, word, "If you suck, don't go on American Idol."

Oh, and I behaved in a way that can be only considered to be a mothering FAIL. Early Monday morning I get a text from the college kid saying that she doesn't feel good. So I text her back to get more details, but I will tell you I immediately felt irritated because I had seen on her Facebook that she went out both weekend nights, so I figured it was remnants of not getting enough sleep, etc. over the weekend, and I even texted her that she should take better care of herself. That evening, I sent Mr. P to her apartment with juice and medicine. Then yesterday, she got diagnosed with strep so far progressed that she had to get a shot in her ass, and can't go back to class until Friday. Still my first thoughts are damn, she is going to be so far behind and she is in organic chem this semester. aack. I sent Mr. P back to her apartment with more soup, popsicles, juice, and anything else he could perhaps add to a care package to assuage my guilt over not believing that she was really sick sick. Then she called me in the middle of dinner to tell me about her friend that made it on Survivor, so I think she must be feeling better. You might think after 19 years I would get better at mothering. Apparently NO.

Life just keeps interrupting my healthier life

Every other week I have to work 12 hours on Monday. Yesterday was my first 12 hour Monday, in my new healthier lifestyle. My day was just. just. typical for a 12 hour day.

I had two submission deadlines. check. check. I had to do my paperwork for travel reiumbursement. check. I had to turn in said paperwork. fail. I had to teach two classes. fail. fail. (The plan was to watch a film that would encorporate all these ideas/images to create experiential learning blah blah blah, and we could hear all the background noise, but none of the actors. So a week in, I am 1/2 week behind. awesome. ) Attend two student group meetings. check. check.

At 7:30 last night I NEEDED nachos, pajamas and bed. Instead, I went with the gym, pasta with veggies, pajamas and bed. So, healthy lifestyle on a crappy day? check.

That was yesterday, now today is happening. Mr. P got a promotion last month, and it was announced firmwide at a staff meeting on Friday (while Mr. P was on vacay). As an extra kudos, his firm gave him the company credit card to take me to our local fine dining place. ugh. I just fought the battle of uber rich, yummy food. I don't want to do it again. So, I had a brilliant idea. Why don't we just go eat at Panera, then ask the firm to donate $50 to our local food bank. Right?

So when I met up with Mr. P at the gym last night, he told me he had gotten us reservations at our local fancy, schmancy and I did not have the heart to take it away from him. My failures in the past should not interfere with his just rewards. This is a fun thing for him, he is so proud to take me out on the company dime, and to make it about me is very typically me.

I am not going to do that to him. If in fact, I am taking on a new lifestyle, then I can't avoid life, whether it be 12 hour days, or fancy dinner, or taking a trip to visit my sister in the place where God invented pizza. I just have to suck it up and figure out how. to. deal.

So tonight I am going on a date. We are going out for a nice romantic dinner to celebrate Mr. P's hard work and success. Then, if we are done in time, I might even suggest a movie where they keep the popcorn and the candy and such. Or maybe we will just come home, put on the pajamas and watch the first round of American Idol on Tivo.

I want to FAIL being fat

I was thinking about my weight in terms of grades, and I have decided that this is finally something I want to fail.

Here is my logic.

On January 5, 2009 I was perfect at being a fatty. In numerical terms, I had earned a 100% on the Fat Test. Every Monday I am going to take the test again, with my major goal of ultimately earning a failing grade of 62% on my personal Fat Test.

So today's grade? I am still really, really good at this, and I earned a 99.64%.* BUT, I am not PERFECT anymore, I have had a teensy tinsy FAIL. But I am losing ground and that is all that really counts, right?

*(I think I lost 1 pound. I weighed once, and it looked like 1 lb down, and I was pretty happy, so I moved the scale to get better light, and then I had lost 32 pounds. I THINK the scale might be broken. I have already ordered a new one, that will do the digital numbers and %Fat. Yikes.)

Home again, home again, Jiggedy Jig

We had an uneventful drive home today, and now we are in the midst of unpacking, laundry, organization, planning, and all the stuff that comes with returning from a road trip.

A few other tidbits about the weekend:

~We rented a car for the trip because the car we use is a Suburban. We got bumped up and ended up with a G6 that had all kinds of fanciness to it. On our way there, I noticed that the radio console had MSG lighted up. I asked Mr. P what it was, and he said something about the thing that is bad or whatever in Chinese food. Well, I pressed the button and I got a message "Jason Mraz's I'm Yours playing on 101.1 FM." I was really surprised, and asked Mr. P, "How did the car know I like that song?" After that, on occasion we would get a message about some song playing on some radio station. I really have no idea how that was working...but it was pretty neat. I tried to capture it on film, but I was all shaky and blurry and well, it didn't turn out.

-Last night we went out to dinner with the VERY first person I met when I went away to college. I had not seen her in 21 years, not spoken to her in 20. We found each other on Facebook last weekend, and she happened to live in Charleston. I lost touch with everyone once I got knocked up and married. All my college friends were still partying, learning, being college kids, and I was a wife and mom, and to be extremely honest I was jealous that they were still colleging and embarrassed that I was mothering at 20 years old. (Don't get me wrong, I was happy with the choices I made, and still am, but when they would call me laughing and happy and tipsy at 1am when I had just gotten a colicky baby to sleep and we were all 20, it made for some sadness on my end.)

Anyway, she picked us up at the hotel, we hugged, then talked nonstop for 4 hours. Poor Mr. P. Luckily the restaurant had a bar, and I excused him after dinner to go watch football while we caught up. When we got back to the hotel, Mr. P told me that he could not believe we could just fall right back into our college rhythm. It was nice. Thanks to all of you who encouraged me to go through with it, even though I was feeling very self-conscious about the weight. It was really great to spend time with her. She called me this afternoon, and we again remarked how it almost seemed like we have never lost touch. So, if any of you have long lost friends, DO IT. Do the Facebook thing.

~I did a preliminary weigh in (Monday is my weigh in day), and it looks like I might have broken even. In a way that is great. We drank beers. Many beers. I ate rich, decadent, and on one occasion fried foods. I am slightly disheartened because I wanted my first weigh in to be a good one. I am participating in a Biggest Loser type blog challenge, and I am kind of bummed to let my team down. On a positive note, I without a doubt spent the weekend in a much healthier way than I ever have on vacation. I left food on plates. We never took a cab, we walked everywhere we wanted to go. I even walked for workout before we left on Thursday, and again Friday morning before I did my presentation. And you know what? I had a great time.

Next year when we are talking about this trip, my guess is that I won't be saying...oh, I didn't get to eat enough food. I will say, remember that fucking turtle?

Cheers from Charleston

I was having severe blogging withdrawal so I paid $3 so I could use the Internet for an hour. I could read blogs and comment on my phone, but I couldn't fill you in on all the happenings in Charleston while we are having a quick break.

The drive was...stressful. AGAIN, Mr. P decided to stop smoking on the day we leave for vacation. He was not really crabby, but he wasn't his usual cheerful, goofy trip self. I put a kibosh on that plan. Don't get me wrong, I want the man to quit smoking. Badly. But seriously, quitting during a regular work week when he can be anxious in our own house instead of in a little hotel room is a much better idea.

We have been having a good time, even though most of the stuff has been kinda disappointing. Last night we went on a dinner cruise with all the attendees from my conference. We read the ads for the cruise and a few of the words used were "gourmet", "oriental rugs", "bay windows", and ummm, that was really just not the case. We ate on BUFFET tables and folding chair type things. And the cruise marketing people were also a bit fast and loose using the term cruise. Riding out into the middle of the harbor, then STOPPING, doesn't really say cruise to me.

The good news from the cruise is that I kind of had a break through. of sorts. The food was bad. Really horrible. I was starving. Instead of eating my main course, I drank 19 glasses of water and 3 rolls and called it a day. The unhealthy version of myself would have eaten it anyway. I know 3 rolls for dinner isn't any semblance of healthy, but I was headache hungry, and in my mind, it was better than eating a bland, yet full of calories steak and an overly spiced, and full of calorie crab cake. I found out today that I did eat some soup with crab roe in it before I began my boycott. yuck. Clarification: I knew I ate the soup, I didn't know there was roe in it until I looked at a recipe today.

Here we are cruising, yet note that this is NOT an accurate depiction of the cruise, it was nowhere near this exciting.

Last night (after the super fun cruise) we were in the room looking through pamphlets (oh man, Mr. P loves the pamphlets) trying to decide what to do today. I was looking at a pamphlet of Fort Sumter, and I read something that surprised me and asked Mr. P, "Did you know that this is where the Civil War started?" He stared at me, and said incredulously, "Are you saying you had to learn that from a pamphlet?!?" no. duh. of course I knew that. jeez.

This morning we got up and headed to the aquarium and IMAX theater. After you pay to go into the aquarium, there is an outdoor observation area and we went out there first. There were a group of boys out there, maybe 10 or 11 years old, but no parents/adults that appeared to be in charge of them. Anyway, one of the kids yelled,"LOOK I found a turtle." We looked and he had a little 2 inch turtle in his hand. Now this observation deck was completely concrete and about 20 feet above the surface of the water. No way did that turtle end up there just to be "found". Mr. P and I kind of looked at each other, and before there was any adult interaction, the boy threw the turtle into the water. The whole thing felt weird to me. Later we were in the aquarium and there was a turtle exhibit, and I was looking at a swimming turtle, and Mr. P walked away a bit. He looked at me with a sad look and said, "That kid took a turtle." I walked to where he was and it was a very open display, basically a table about waist high, filled with muck/mud and little plants, and TINY turtles. No covering, no aquarium person guarding the turtles, nothing.

I am thinking the kid reached in and took a turtle, put him in his pocket. At some point the guilt or the realization that someone might question where he got it started to bother him and he "outed it" then got rid of the evidence. The notion that the whole thing happened is bothersome, but the whole time we were at the aquarium we took note of many exhibits that were not safe for the animals. That bugs me. I think zoos and aquariums are good for the educational value...provide information about conservation, etc. However, first and foremost, the animals should be kept safe.

Anyway, Mr. P was excited about going to a 3D IMAX movie and the fucking theater has been closed for 18 months. Take down the signs assholes. I HATE it when Mr. P gets disappointed, he has the most pitiful sad face. He kind of shrugged it off at the time, then when we were about halfway back he said, "That is douchey to just leave a sign up like that." It certainly is.

As far as the healthy, healthy, healthy me? I would say not bad. Not stellar, but not bad. I have walked every day. I have made "better" choices for most meals, which means I order what I want (within reason) and eat half. Not a third, like Tara suggested, but not the whole thing either. No bad snacking, I had grapes and water at the aquarium when they had soda and hot dogs. I have not tracked my points because doing it on the phone for more than a quick thing is ANNOYING, and this is the only hour I have had the Internet since we left home.

So to sum it all up, we are having a GREAT time, tiny turtle aside. (Even when things are weird, we can have a good time because making fun of stuff is just about our favorite pastime.)

On a parting note, did you know that American alligators can grow to 12 feet? I couldn't quite comprehend that so I needed a reference:

Yes, that is Mr. P laying on the floor in the aquarium. He rocks.

ETA: Man, my spelling was atrocious in this post. I had to fix it, it was driving me batshit (which is spelled correctly, by the way).

Road Trip BABY.

Later this morning, Mr. P and I are heading to Charleston, SC for 4 days (and 3 nights). Do you ever notice on game shows they always say that type of thing...trip to Hawaii for 7 days and 6 nights...when everyone KNOWS you don't count that last day as vacation because you have to go. home.

Anyway, I have work meetings every January (and sometimes in August), and as long as I agree to do some work while I am there, I get all my expenses paid for, and all we have to pay for Mr. P to join me is his airfare, if we are flying, and any of his food that I can't in good conscious claim is for me. I let him bunk with me in the hotel. So it is like a nearly free mini-vacay every January.

Last year we went to Redondo Beach, CA. Kind of a dud trip, with the exception of us spending oodles of time browsing through a Whole Foods. I kind of blame the duddiness on Mr. P quitting smoking on the day we left. Yeah. I know, great timing, huh? The year before that, we went to Savannah, GA, a definite A+ trip. We geocached, drank beer, climbed a lighthouse, went to a restaurant with lots of alligators and every table had it's own CAT.

Remember when Nilsa interviewed me? Anyway, she asked who have I lost touch with that I would want to be reunited with...I wrote about my BFF from freshman year in college. I found her. On Facebook. It is so nice to be back in touch. Well, finding her helped me find other friends from that school, and one lives in Charleston. We are having dinner Saturday night. I am excited to see her, sort of.

BUT I am totally dreading that initial "sighting" considering my 100 extra pounds of weight since then. I was at my tiniest when I was a freshman, and am at my largest now. (Technically I was at my biggest last Monday.) ugh. My instinct is to blow her off, so I don't have to deal. I really hope I don't do that.

So I am ending my first healthier lifestyle week on said roadtrip. Mr. P and I had a good discussion last night about places we could go and have tasty food, without "ruining" the hard work I put in already this week. Does anyone else equate eating with vacation or is that just me?

What is your definition of EMERGENCY?

I think I have mentioned that I teach college courses. Anyway, spring semester started today, and the standing rule for my kids and Mr. P is do NOT call me during my class unless it is a DIRE EMERGENCY. That translates to a bone sticking out and/or copious amounts of blood...to either your person, or that you have caused another person due to car accident. (If you stab someone on purpose, it can wait until after class.) This translates to me being unavailable to TALK on the phone 5 hours per week. I will always look at texts...during class (I use my phone for the time, so it is sly), faculty meetings, office hours, etc. just in case someone needs something that only I can provide...say an 0+ kidney, for instance.

Today during my second class, my phone vibrates, I look...it is the high school kid. I turn it off thinking, okay, first day, he has forgotten I am in class. He calls back 2 minutes later, then again a third time. I finally get freaked out. I tell my class that I am incredibly sorry, but that is my kid, and I have to get this.

Me: Hello
Kid: Hey.
Me: You do know that I am in class.
Kid: Yeah, but it is VERY important.
Me: What's wrong? (sinking feeling in my gut, him and the college kid were on the way to the ortho)
Kid: mm, how much did you want me to pay the orthodontist?
Me: WHAT?
Kid: So, just January, or what?
Me: I told you this morning, pay it off, but this is NOT an emergency.
Kid: (leisurely) So, I am supposed to pay just January?

I stroked out and died right in front of my 330 class.

After I was revived, I had to offer them all a bonus point for my unbelievable unprofessional phone call in class about paying. the. orthodontist.

After I finish the class, get in my office, shut the door and soundproof my office, I call the kid back.

Me: UNLESS THERE IS BLOOD DO NOT CALL ME DURING CLASS.
Kid: Oh, but I didn't know how much to pay, and if I paid too much money, blah blah.
Me: I get that, but I really thought there was only one payment left, January.
Kid: There was. I paid it.

oh for the love of marshmallows.

So he called me, interrupted my class, then kept me on the phone before he even attempted to make the payment...it isn't like they were trying to make him pay too much and he was keeping us from starvation due to lack of funds.

I am going to the gym directly after work, then my roadtrip starts tomorrow.

Lucky for him.

Is 7:47am too early to go to lunch?

oh.My.GOD.

So I totally taunted Creative Kerfuffle on Monday when she was cursing early mornings because I only worked 1/2 day (the late half). Then Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 4am ish, so I didn't get up until 10ish so I worked another 1/2 day (again, the late half) yesterday.

Well, I had no choice today, and let me tell you...karma is a spiteful bitch.

We have 2 vehicles and the kiddos have ortho appointments this afternoon (where they are making the LAST payment on $11,000 worth of what better be the straightest damn teeth in all the land), and Mr. P has to work across state lines today so he can't really walk (that sounds more dramatic than 30 minutes away). That leaves me having to come to work at 7:30am. It sucks here at 7:30. Noone else is here, or the ones who are here have to teach at 8am and they don't want won't let me to sit in their office and whine about being tired.

PLUS, if you sleep late, then you don't use up any of your allotted food before noon, and then you can eat more at dinner. And you aren't STARVING at 7:47am knowing you shouldn't really be hungry for several hours because you are following the lame adage of breakfast is the most important meal of the day bullshit, and I am serious that if I would have just had a giant DietCoke I would NOT be hungry right now.

Enough of that. For now, at least. Okay, so yesterday I went and dropped $75 on matching underwears because Bea freaked me out by telling me that EMTs giggled at Christmas underthings on an older lady I needed some. I now am the proud owner of 4 fully functional bras with matching panties, plus an extra pair of beige panties for good measure. I feel like a diva with so many lady garments. (The sale was buy 2 bras, get 2 free, then the famed 5 pairs of panties for $25). Okay, I believe I have shared that I am not a tiny girl, and so imagine my surprise when they had bras in MY SIZE that were "cleavage enhancing" bras. How much more fucking cleavage does anyone need at DD?

And last but not least, I got unfollowed by someone. How stupid is it that I am kind of feeling a weird sort of rejection? I know my blog is not for everyone, I love the cursing and whatnot. Plus, I really am not in it for the fame and glory, but still, it is like being the kid with one friend when that one friend is sick and didn't go to school and then you have to sit at lunch by yourself. Yeah, no, it is really nothing like that at all, but still.

I don't think my "new lifestyle" is working.

So, I had my first "official" day back on WeightWatchers yesterday. I stayed within my points...for you non-WW'ers, points are a "simpler" way to count calories. I had calcium, I took my vitamin, I drank all my water. I went to the gym and walked for 51 minutes AND lifted 3500 pounds on the weight machine things.

Guess what?

When I woke up this morning...I was STILL fat.

I know, right? What the hell?

I will give it ONE more day. Tomorrow I better be back in my skinny jeans, and one of those shirts that doesn't have a back because I won't even need to wear a bra (that apparently I don't have enough of anyway), because not only will my new lifestyle...it is NOT a diet...make me thin, it will also make my breasts perky.

P.S. On the news just now, there was a spot that Mexican food helps prevent Breast Cancer. I mean, hey, that is important right? I am all about the cure, no matter how much Mexican food I have to eat.

Hello! I never go to work.

I had a dream last night that my nephew was staying with me for a week so his parents could move and I went to the bathroom I came back and he had climbed on top of my refrigerator. Then, it got hazy but I think I took him to a water park and dropped.him.off. He is 2. That doesn't seem quite right.

So I woke up at 7:45am and was actually kind of up. I looked on my phone for blog updates, and there was only one. I read it. Then Mr. P told me that the high school kid didn't have school today, so I took that as a sign I should go back to sleep. Which I did.

Now I am at work, but today is my first "official" day of WeightWatchers and can I tell you something? I am hungry. I am trying to tell the part of my brain that functions automatically that it is okay to get all that fat out of my ass and "eat" that right now. Yeah, that is right. Eat my ass fat body!!!

OH. But the real reason for this post is I wanted to chat about the shows that starting over the next few weeks and whether you will watch, or not, or why, or what...

The Bachelor. I am in. I liked this guy from the Bachelorette.
Beauty. That isn't the name of it, but it is the show where they are judging the beautiful people by their "inner" beauty, on tonight after the Bachelor. I am also in on this one.
Chopped. The new cooking reality show on FoodNetwork where the people get 3 ingredients like squid, beets, oreos and they have to make a 3 course meal. If they lose...they are CHOPPED.
Flashpoint. Man, those Canadian swat guys are hot.
American Idol. Yup, after my love affair with David Cook it is going to be hard to find anyone I am willing to follow all the way through. I even voted last year. I know. Lame.
LOST. A thousand times yes. (Misplaced quote, I know.)

Am I missing anything? I am a TV junkie. I watch a couple hours a night, but then I hoard and watch hours and hours and hours on the weekends after football, and before baseball and the lake.

100 Portugese LOVE this blog.

Creative Kerfuffle has bestowed the following award upon me:

It is an award for people who blog to forge relationships and use it for therapy to get through whatever it is we are getting through...however, I kind of wondered what it meant...literally...and after some Google translation, I have decided the award is of Portugese descent AND means:

This blog invests and believes in the vicinity,

I do. I invest in the vicinity ALL while believing it in. At the same time.

So then I checked my stats to see if the Portugese that are in Portugal are enjoying my blog and nada. However, there have been visitors from Turkey and Vietnam. So, no, 100 Portugese aren't really loving this blog, but this is my 100th post, and I needed an attention grabber.

Back on track, I am to award this to 8 bloggers to keep the chain of "keepin' it real" bloggers going. So, I choose:

Raising Steamboat*
Creative Kerfuffle*
This Wonderful, Crazy Life*
Planet Davila
the brain
Juggling Scarves
A Very Merry Unbirthday
Marmite Breath Slept Here
Hey Y'all

*These chicks have already won...but I am just saying.

**And I know it is a list of 9, but 3 already won, so really I am newly bestowing on 6.

When I first started blogging the only blogs I had ever read were Catherine Newman when she did the one time a week posting for BabyCenter that my sister told me about. Then I came across Dooce from a recommendation on MySpace. When I found my sister's blog, I found Ashley and Bea. Then through Bea I found CK. Others I found through BlogSecret, and even others through NaBloPoMo.

Now I rarely read the "A" blogs...only when my blogroll are off taking care of their children, hanging out with their husbands, being at work...you know, living their lives and NOT posting every day.

Writing this blog and getting your feedback, both serious and silly, is something I didn't even know I was missing, but let me tell you, it is HUGE to me now.

So, can we talk panties for a second?

oh. and bras, can't forget bras.

How many do you have? Do they match? When do you buy new?

I ask because I am down to two functional bras, and I use functional loosely. One is missing half of an underwire on the left, so I am slightly askew. On the underwear/panties/draws front I have lots of pairs, but none match my bras, and most are holiday themed. Ho Ho Ho and Snowman panties just don't seem to cut it year round.

I HATE spending money on underwear...due to my size I am stuck buying at a store for "big girls" and damn, my lady business is nice and all, but not gold for the love of cotton.

I do have a business trip coming up on Thursday, and usually I buy a new outfit for presentations (I have to give a BIG one on Friday), and so I figured maybe I should do the mature thing and throw away the tattered draws in favor of some new.

What is your ideal ratio, when considering both cost and laundry? You know, assuming I wouldn't wear a bra more than one day in a row, even if I just wore it to work and showered and didn't sweat. much.

Is a 1:1 ratio appropriate (bras to panties), even though that seems like too many bras to me....how about 1:3?

Oranges are not the same as nachos.

This new, healthier lifestyle sucks monkeys. Well, not monkeys, because they probably have too many calories without enough fiber, so perhaps this lifestyle change sucks apples.

So, we settle in to watch the Sugar Bowl and for my football snack, I have an orange. Now, I like oranges, and in actuality it was a fine orange. I mean citrus no disrespect, but COME ON. Football needs nachos. Requires the consumption of wings. At the very least, a few chips to get the edge off.

All I am saying is that this healthier body better be good.

I like it.

Womanizer? good.

All-American Rejects? Good.

The Turtles? GOOD.



Thanks, Tara, from the brain, for posting this on your blog!

Here's to you, 2009!

So, 2009 is here.

It is going to be a year full of really big changes. This time in 1 year, I will live in a different, smaller house that consists of me, Mr. P and the animals. I will have submitted my tenure packet and will be anxiously awaiting whether I will have to go on the job market.

My kid in college will be graduating from college in 5 months and off to start the adventure of living her life. My kid in high school will have graduated from high school, and will be one semester into his college career.

My sister will live by me again. I can't wait to be involved in her son's life, to give her date nights with her husband, to have someone to go get pedicures and lunch with, and all of the other benefits to having your sister live in the same town.

My mom might live by me again. I am not sure how this one will go. She drives me bat shit crazy. However, I really love playing Scrabble and Boggle, and noone else in my family does...so I can envision going over for dinner, making her make eggplant parm and playing Scrabble. Plus, those are QUIET games, so, in theory, she won't talk that much about the random crap she talks about...if you ever meet her, ask her about the time she wasn't allowed to take her umbrella on the plane because of the pointy tip, or about the time she got the Internet through the air from the dude from India, or even about the time she had to call the cell phone company because her phone was broken and she HADN'T TURNED IT ON.

I turn 40 this year, and Mr. P and I have our 20th anniversary. Two pretty big milestones.

Those are things that are going to happen, but there are also things that I hope will happen:

- Get physically fitter. I have come to the realization that I don't care so much about being fat, I care about not being able to DO things that I want to do. We were talking about next year taking a "snow" trip, which would involve skiing, tubing, etc. but right now I just wouldn't be able to do it. I hope I can get into a good frame of mind, keep up with WeightWatchers, keep my Nike Me happy, and all of the other things that go with getting my body to a better place.

- Get financially fitter. Mr. P and I have had atrocious credit in the past, and I want to get that under control. I want to pay off old debt, and get our few little current debts paid off. If I get tenure, I want to buy a house/condo/something in 2010.

- Get mentally fitter. I am really, really angry at my parents. I need to get some help letting go of that. NOT for their sakes, for my own.

There it is. I want to get fitter in 2009. Tell you what...meet me back here in 1 year, and we shall see how it went. Even better, stick around and we will make all of our resolutions come true together.

Here's to 2009!