Well, we gotta start somewhere

so I will start with how I am taking my MOTHER on a 5 day cruise in a month. Well, a month and two days. So in a month and four days, will somebody please come get me out of the Mexican prison where I most certainly will be residing?

Here is how it happened. A friend of ours wanted a bunch of people to go on a cruise for his birthday, but Mr. P can't go because of his new job...we will be going on a longer (better) cruise the following week. But I could go, because I will be done with the semester by then. Then Mr. P told me he would likely be out of town working those days, so I should think about going. I first considered taking my elder child as one of her good friends is going, but she SHOULD have finals (note how I said SHOULD---we will get back to that later), and I am not taking someone on a cruise during finals when the reason they do not have finals is not cruise reward appropriate (in my opinion).

It was the day before my mother's birthday, and I am not sure if I told you guys this, but my mom was kind of annoyed that we went on a cruise on Mother's Day and didn't invite her to come with Mr. P and I to the Bahamas....because she so wants to go on a cruise.

SO, back to the day before her birthday, I texted Penny and few times, and we decided we would give her the cruise for birthday/Christmas. So we did at her birthday dinner. She was extremely excited and very grateful, and that makes me feel good. But I am not sure good enough because I am sort of dreading it. I kind of feel like like I shouldn't have to see or talk to her in the mean time since I will have 5 solid days of all mom, all the time.

I think right now I wish that Mr. P and I lived far away and we could have Facebook and text relationships with everyone. I suck at family and friends normally, but lately? I am completely checking out. It is almost like I don't have the piece of my brain that "misses" people or feels sad when I don't see them all the time.

Well, I guess that is a start.

mother lover

I couldn't think of a title for this post except for mother fucker, and maybe that is even less appropriate than even I deem to be today. But now this title has me thinking about the SNL song and I am laughing about it because I know how much it makes my sister laugh, and now all my angst and annoyance aren't nearly as angsty or annoying so this post may be kind of boring.

So, last October my mom moved here under the guise of us working on our relationships, etc. Well, in many ways that really hasn't worked out that well because I am still really angry at her, and I think she just doesn't really want to have relationships with us because let's face it, relationships should be two-sided and I don't know that she has thought of another human in say....15 years. Plus, dudes. She is really, really weird. She wears a floor length fur coat made out of recycled tires when it is any temperature below 70. She smokes 80 cheap ass cigarettes a day and hacks like a merchant marine who has been snorting fiberglass for 30 years. She eats generic bologna as her only food group that isn't candy or Pop tarts and carries around bits of food in her pockets. Not in a baggie in her pocket, just plain old cookie right there in the pocket. (which is handy when you are 3 and want to feed the fish at the pond, so Eli doesn't completely mind.) When we have family events she can't stay where we all are and participate because that might cut in on her smoking time, so she hovers around and when she hears something that may intrigue her she yells, WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT and right now my anger is back and I want to punch her right in her smoke hole.

Anyhow, in January she announces to us that she is moving back to the place where she used to live, to work at the job that she used to despise and live with her cat in a motel for 4 months. She is completely flabbergasted that we didn't find this a spectacular idea. Whatever. She goes.

She has called me twice in the entire time she has been gone...and that is when she needed Mr. P to go pick up her meds (thank the baby Jesus for pharmaceuticals or she would be even weirder) and then calls me every day checking in on how my doing her a favor is going until I have completed it to her satisfaction. The second time she started this cycle I told her I was annoyed that she only called me to ask for favors and she said, "Yeah, I knew you would be mad about that" and then proceeded to tell me how her cat is sad there is traffic in the parking lot of the motel. I just found out she might be coming back a week early and she said, "Don't change your plans," to which I said, "Yeah, I am not" and she got offended. But in fairness (to her), our conversations aren't that great, so maybe these snippets are why she doesn't call more often:

Mom: When I get back I am going to need a boat trip. (alluding to us taking her out on our boat.)
Me: Should be soon.
Mom: You know, since you are going to be saving all that money on the new house, you should use that to buy a bigger boat.
Me: NO, because mostly on the boat, it is going to be me and Mr. P. Alone. No one else.

******

Me: Yeah, we are going to put the boat at the marina because the driveway is pretty steep and Mr. P isn't sure our transom will tilt enough. (I am really not sure if those are the right words, but she wouldn't know either...)
Mom: So, you are going to have to park your car in the street?
Me: No, why would you think that?
Mom: Because if it is steep you will have to be in first gear. (my car is a stick shift)
Me: Yeah, but considering that I know how to drive my car, it won't be a problem.

******

So anyways, mom is coming home soon. Maybe even this weekend.

awesome.

******
P.S. To try to help counteract all this pissiness I just sprayed out on the interwebs, I am participating in Relay for Life, and I will even let you try to win some pants if you will donate $10. Full story here.

sigh of RELIEF

Today I gave my last lecture of this semester. We have next week off for Thanksgiving, then I gave them a week off to make up for evening exams and the last day of class the students will present their final projects. shew. I am even, for just this second, caught up on grading. SHAZAM.

Now I have THREE researchy things due on December 1. One grant proposal, one conference submission (yes, I want to go to San Fransisco in August for freebie), and one paper has to get back to a journal. Once I get through those deadlines and get the final projects graded I am free as a bird until we start back in January. This will be the first real break I have taken in 10 years. No research. No class prep. Only gingerbread house making, craft doings, movie watching, and other fun stuff for a month. I am PSYCHED!!!

In regular news, I am a tad bit under the weather and every day that goes by that I don't run I am worried when I start back it will be like day one of the Couch to 5K (I ran 3 miles on Monday)...do any of you ever feel like that? I have been good on the food journaling front, and decent with water (but that will be a fail this week too, because yesterday I thought that homemade Diet Cherry Limeades would make me feel so much better than water. I was right.).

And apparently my mom dyed her hair BLACK today. Yikes. However, I think it might be better because I was telling Penny that I think she looks really weird sometimes because her hair is the same color as her face (kind of an orangey tan look?).

(I have been very parenthetical on this post.)

Friday Hotch Potch

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but working within my own rules and standards for NaBloPoMo, I really don't have anything that is completely post worthy on its own, so here is what I got:

• For you runner/jogger/walker types: when you are between training cycles, what is your running/jogging/walking routine? The 1/2 marathon training program I want to do (from the Nike + site) starts on December 15 and I need to get my long run up to 8 miles by then, but I am used to looking at a schedule for my mileage. I took off Monday and Tuesday, ran 3 on Wednesday and 4 yesterday. Thoughts, suggestions, links to other training programs that you like??? HELP ME. HELP ME.
• I have an excited stomach because Mr. P is on his way home and we are going out to lunch and then to see 2012. We love the distaster movies. The more over the top, the more unrealistic, the more buildings and monuments and HOLLYWOOD signs toppling over, the better! Mr. P called me at work a few months ago to direct me to the trailer. We talked about going out of town this weekend, but then didn't because the movie starts.
• Just writing that blurb about us not going out of town this weekend made me realize that I think my office neighbor is getting married tomorrow. Guess we weren't invited. Can't decide if I am relieved or hurt.
• During the all day rain fest of Ida my office got flooded. It is wet and smelly. I have worked at home since. I use the term work very loosely because I found a blog about a polyamorous relationship that is fascinating me and I just keep reading, reading and backreading it some more.
• After last week's success at journaling every bite and getting close on drinking all the water for the Holiday Health Nut Challenge I have not done either. at all. all week. I haven't made bad choices necessarily, but I am making a lot of CHOICES if you get my drift. Notice how I slide that news right into a little bullet point?
• On Wednesday night driving my mom was chatting about stuff she bought for the apartment which happen to include all kinds of stuff we all like, Diet Dr. Pepper, a puzzle, Scrabble, stuff to bake cookies, etc. As she walked into her apartment I looked at Mr. P and said, "Okay. I am done being mad at her now." And I think that I am. I am still snotty to her out of habit, but am trying to check that a bit better. I jogged to her house yesterday to visit a bit, and Mr. P went there for coffee before work this morning. But don't fret, she will still be ridiculous!

Hotch Potchery, OUT!

Race Day!

Act 1

So luckily Mom decided she wanted to ride 1.5 hours to the race and back with us this afternoon! Maybe she can tell more stories like this:

(Precursor to story...Mom calls me and asks where she should go get a tire...someone put an arrow in her tire and ripped off her front license plate, so I told her Walmart and another local place that Mr. P uses for such needs.) And no, it wasn't Penny or I. I think.

Mom: I go to [not one of the places I mention] and ask them about a Goodyear tire and they had a Michelin for $110.
Me: Why did you ask me where to go if you were going to pick somewhere else?
Mom: Then I went to Walmart and they had the exact tire I wanted for $85 including installation and everything.
Me: Well, good.
Mom: A midget did it.
Me: They don't really like that word.
Mom: Oh, well I didn't say that to his face.
Me: Okay good.
Mom: (in a somewhat surprised voice) Anyway, he was nice.
Me: You don't say.
*********
Act 2

Last night was opening night of Miracle Worker. I have to say CK2 played quite a douche...and he did quite a good job! i actually enjoyed the story much more than I thought I would. Mom, Mr. P, Penny, and College Kid went and sat behind some people who will probably not want to be our friends...not even on Facebook. Yeah, we are those people, whispering a commentary and eating candy, albeit quietly during the play.

BUT, I almost lost it at one point:

Mrs. Keller: Eva, do you want a pickle?
Eva: You know how I love a pickle.

Simultaneously, one at my right and one at my left, Mr. P and Penny, "That's what she said."
*****
Act 3

I am well carbed and hydrated and I have my playlist ready to go assuming we can use the iPods. It is supposed to be gorgeous weather this afternoon, and I am actually really looking forward to the run. If the title of my post tomorrow is "Fuck that Trolley" you may want to avoid reading if you have an aversion to strings and strings and strings of cursing!

Who needs an orthodontist when you have gum and/or paperclips??

So last night was family dinner, sans family. Except of course the family member Penny and I wish was missing, our mother. (It was me, Penny, Eli and MOM.)


I am sitting across the table from my mother and notice that she has chewing gum kind of wedged around her front teeth like some sort of bizarre Hubba Bubba Invisalign braces. But not invisible, but GUM like.

So I mention it. She acknowledges that I mention it. She leaves it there all during dinner. We ate salad. and pizza.



What the hell is that?!?



Oh, speaking of 'do it yourself braces'...did any of you wish you had braces or a retainer when you were in middle school and take paper clips and straighten them out then mold them around your teeth and then wear it at school?



NO?



oh, me neither.

*alert* I figured IT out *alert*

Okay, so, if you are on WeightWatchers and you track your points, and stay within your points and exercise...guess what happens?

You lose weight! For the first time in, I don't know, EVER how long, I tracked and stayed within my points, and ta da...lost 2 lbs this week!

It certainly doesn't hurt that I am earning boocoodles of Activity Points, as my 10K training has me jogging 5+ miles twice per week (which earns me about 10 activity points a shot as I am SUPER SLOW), and then a couple of short runs (HA HA, I now consider 2-3 miles SHORT) that get me from 3-5 points each. I am now less than 2 weeks from 10K day (November 7), and if nothing breaks, strains or sprains I am confident I will be able to jog the entire distance. WHOOP.

Yesterday the entire family headed out to the Pumpkin farm (it was such a fun day I am not going to dwell on the fact that my mom wore Halloween socks under WEDGE HEELS on a day out to the farm) and it was FUN.

We did a corn maze (where we called bullshit on Penny getting a kid to mark her paper instead of finding her own clues though she claims ingeniousness), jumped in a jumpy house, petted baby cows, took a million pictures,played in big boxes of corn (a la sandboxes), took a hayride to pick out a pumpkin, got dragged behind a tractor in barrels on wheels that were decorated like cows, climbed on hay bales, tried to hula hoop and raced rubber ducks.

Note the purple? Those were all things I was willing AND able to do this year, that I wasn't even willing to TRY last year. It was the first time in awhile that I really felt like this healthy, healthy, healthy journey has definite rewards (last time, was the first boating of the year when I could easily climb up the boat ladder from the water)...yes, better clothes are great. compliments are great.

But jumping in that jumpy house yesterday? That feeling was indescribable. I sit here smiling just thinking about it.

She better not unpack

Fuck alert. I am pissed.

because I am going to call a moving company and pay them WHATEVER amount of money they want to come put all her shit in a truck, her too, and just drive and drive and drive then shove everything out on the sidewalk in the middle of fucking nowhere.

I call my mother a few minutes ago to see if all her stuff got delivered, she responds, in my opinion, very snottily, "YES, at 8 o'clock this morning." I assume she is pissed that I haven't called or been there since then. Maybe it is just my own guilt thinking maybe I should have gone over there (I just read my sister's post for today and she did). But my mother has SO MUCH SHIT, and her apartment is NOT THAT BIG, and she smokes incessantly so what the fuck am I going to do but try not to get lung cancer and tacky disease? (As an example of how much she smokes, when we were getting in the truck to take her home last night, she lit a cigarette as she waited for me....to get.in.the.front.seat.and.close.the.door, took drags while we sat there, then got in the truck.)

Then she tells me how she broke a piece of her furniture moving it, and it was 39 years old, so it is "going to live out on her patio for awhile, maybe it can be fixed". Again, I am taking it like she is saying, if my horrible kid had been here to move it for me it wouldn't have happened.

All of this I may have been able to wrap up into my own little guilt burrito that I would have for breakfast tomorrow and go over and help her until....

"So, are you still at home?" To which I answer that I was. Then she said, "Did you do your work?"

fuck you. Don't you ever question my work ethic. Not ever. See, my mother does NOT have a work ethic, but her pretend work ethic is what allowed her to put the nail in the coffin of our family 15 years ago (she used work as a cover for an affair) and was an excuse for not having to parent my then 13 year old sister anymore. Also, since then she has lost several jobs for not showing up because she chooses instead to drink wine at 6am.

In case any of you are wondering? Yes, I have been working today, I am grading projects that are huge Access databases that are insanely boring, but I am forcing my way through them because I want to work on my research tomorrow afternoon while Mr. P plays golf .

However, have I also farmed on FaceBook, caught up on blogs, planned dinner, chosen my 1/2 marathon training plan, done laundry and dishes, caught up on FlashForward and Hell's Kitchen?

YES.

I am 40 fucking years old and I can stay at home all fucking day in my lobster pajama pants if I want to. DAMN it, I have worked very, very hard to get to the point that I can. I refuse to let her ruin it. This is my Thursday. This is how I spend most Thursday's. She better get fucking used to it.

Now that I have vented, I am going to put potatoes in for Mr. P. When he gets home I am going to make a big salad. Then we are going to have leftover pot roast served over baked potatoes and watch Survivor. We are NOT going to talk about my mother.

so my MOM moved here

last Friday. This move is not met with the same anticipation and joy like when my sister moved here. More like dread and despair and locusts (which weirdly, I originally typed as crocuses?) and bees and Armageddon.

I don't really care for my mother too much, and I am hoping that by her living here maybe I can start making some good memories that will help eradicate all the really bad memories I have of her. She is not helping me with that quite yet.

Now, I hate having to wait for people. Hate it. If we have a plan, do the plan. Don't start to get ready for the plan when I am starting the plan. Irony is, I was super late to my kid's birthday celebration on Sunday. Nearly TWO hours late. I felt like crap being late, but I was cooking for her, from scratch, and while I accounted for COOKING time, I forgot that it takes time to mix batter from scratch and to peel and mandolin 4lbs of potatoes. And prepare meatloaves. So I was late and I apologized, but I understand if everyone was irritated with me...they have every right, especially my sister and kids who had been waiting and were starving...but they were gracious...but MOM? she called me out, "So what happened to you being here at 3". Yeah, I JUST APOLOGIZED FOR THAT. (I didn't add that if she had come over to my house when she said she would to help me with the stuff she said she would I wouldn't have been late. But whatever.)

Anyways, so tonight we are going out for her birthday dinner. Guess where she picked to go? CiCi's Pizza, which is an inexpensive pizza buffet. Not my fave, but whatever, birthday people get to pick with no complaints from the peanut gallery. So she just called me at work to ask if Mr. P and I would pick her up on our way. Sure, whatever. I tell her we will be there a little after 6. So she says, "Okay, well call me on your way and I will get changed and cleaned up".

NO. I live FIVE minutes from her. Literally, less than 3 miles on a 55 mph road. Just get your freaking clothes changed and be ready by a little after 6...what the fuck is so hard to understand about that?

So while my life is infinitely good, I don't have the work angst at such a level anymore, I got to read this as Mr. P's FaceBook status last night after he cooked ME dinner, [Mr. P] is having a quiet dinner at home with his bride and watching some TV. I'm a lucky guy to have someone who loves me so much! and my kids are being my sweet, smart kids, I now have my mother. All the time my mother.