Wednesday, April 7, 2010

mother lover

I couldn't think of a title for this post except for mother fucker, and maybe that is even less appropriate than even I deem to be today. But now this title has me thinking about the SNL song and I am laughing about it because I know how much it makes my sister laugh, and now all my angst and annoyance aren't nearly as angsty or annoying so this post may be kind of boring.

So, last October my mom moved here under the guise of us working on our relationships, etc. Well, in many ways that really hasn't worked out that well because I am still really angry at her, and I think she just doesn't really want to have relationships with us because let's face it, relationships should be two-sided and I don't know that she has thought of another human in say....15 years. Plus, dudes. She is really, really weird. She wears a floor length fur coat made out of recycled tires when it is any temperature below 70. She smokes 80 cheap ass cigarettes a day and hacks like a merchant marine who has been snorting fiberglass for 30 years. She eats generic bologna as her only food group that isn't candy or Pop tarts and carries around bits of food in her pockets. Not in a baggie in her pocket, just plain old cookie right there in the pocket. (which is handy when you are 3 and want to feed the fish at the pond, so Eli doesn't completely mind.) When we have family events she can't stay where we all are and participate because that might cut in on her smoking time, so she hovers around and when she hears something that may intrigue her she yells, WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT and right now my anger is back and I want to punch her right in her smoke hole.

Anyhow, in January she announces to us that she is moving back to the place where she used to live, to work at the job that she used to despise and live with her cat in a motel for 4 months. She is completely flabbergasted that we didn't find this a spectacular idea. Whatever. She goes.

She has called me twice in the entire time she has been gone...and that is when she needed Mr. P to go pick up her meds (thank the baby Jesus for pharmaceuticals or she would be even weirder) and then calls me every day checking in on how my doing her a favor is going until I have completed it to her satisfaction. The second time she started this cycle I told her I was annoyed that she only called me to ask for favors and she said, "Yeah, I knew you would be mad about that" and then proceeded to tell me how her cat is sad there is traffic in the parking lot of the motel. I just found out she might be coming back a week early and she said, "Don't change your plans," to which I said, "Yeah, I am not" and she got offended. But in fairness (to her), our conversations aren't that great, so maybe these snippets are why she doesn't call more often:

Mom: When I get back I am going to need a boat trip. (alluding to us taking her out on our boat.)
Me: Should be soon.
Mom: You know, since you are going to be saving all that money on the new house, you should use that to buy a bigger boat.
Me: NO, because mostly on the boat, it is going to be me and Mr. P. Alone. No one else.


Me: Yeah, we are going to put the boat at the marina because the driveway is pretty steep and Mr. P isn't sure our transom will tilt enough. (I am really not sure if those are the right words, but she wouldn't know either...)
Mom: So, you are going to have to park your car in the street?
Me: No, why would you think that?
Mom: Because if it is steep you will have to be in first gear. (my car is a stick shift)
Me: Yeah, but considering that I know how to drive my car, it won't be a problem.


So anyways, mom is coming home soon. Maybe even this weekend.


P.S. To try to help counteract all this pissiness I just sprayed out on the interwebs, I am participating in Relay for Life, and I will even let you try to win some pants if you will donate $10. Full story here.


tara said...

We should hook your mother up with both of my siblings and let them be crazy selfish assholes together. Then we could be sisters and you could meet my parents, who are pretty cool for the most part.

Tammie said...

god it has been far too long since you've written about your mother. i love it! for one, these posts always make me laugh my ass off. secondly, it's nice to know im not alone in the weirdo mother department.

Kate said...

When I got sober, I had to start dealing with my dysfunctional family WITHOUT DRINKING, and let me tell ya, there's a REASON I drank!

Well - it's not their fault that I couldn't handle it, but still. The day I hung up on her because she said something so asinine, I felt liberated. So very liberated from her, I wanted to have a party.

Things are much, much better now that I know what boundaries are, but dang. Mothers are rough.

Anonymous said...

Aw, man, I know she's really hard to deal with. You definitely got the Extra Wacky version of a Mom. Hope the stress doesn't take away from all the great things that have been happening lately!

Shelley said...

I'm sorry she's been bugging you, but damn your mother posts are awesome!

Amy said...

I feel for you... but good for you for drawing boundaries... I'm glad you can see some humor in it!

lastchanceivf said...

Ahhh yes. Tales from the Mother. I always crack up at your mom stories--is that wrong?

kilax said...

Yikes! Now I feel better about my mother-in-law. I thought I had it bad. At least it makes for interesting posts here! :)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Familial relationships can be really hard. If it wasn't for the blood bond, you'd never be friends with this person. So, why does the blood bond make it so important? Because society says so (along with other reasons). Though, my relationship with my parents is fine, I have had issues with other family members. And it was incredibly freeing when I learned how to set up boundaries and feel less obligation to them. I'm glad you have some ... your sanity is important.

Lucy said...

Dealing with family issues stink, why does it have to be so hard? I feel for you because it is your mother. She sounds um... interesting.

Fatinah said...

I finally saw Julie/Julia and I have to tell you - your blog entries about your mom would make a WAY better movie!

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