it is what it is

First, thank you for the supportive comments...on a day where I am a pure bundle of nerves, they kept me from bursting into tears at the shear enormity of it all. (NOW, believe me I am trying to put work into perspective of work, but it is all so dramatic in my mind right now.)

So, I turned in my tenure dossier about 7 minutes ago, and my hands are just so shaky. Those pages I alluded to represent everything I have done (career wise) since I began my PhD studies in 2000. All the research, all the presentations, all the courses I have taught. Here is my timeline:

Next Thursday: My department meets, discusses and votes.

early November: Dossier updated with departmental information goes to Dean. The Dean writes a letter of support (hopefully). Problem here is my dean resigned last week. Not sure what that means for me going from college to university level.

early December: Dossier updated with information from dean goes to university committee.

no later than mid MARCH: Decision conveyed. (which means you guys still have a good SIX months of my whining over this...FUN!)

Quite a bit of waiting and politicking along the way. One good thing is that this all happens during football season, then the holidays....by the time that all passes and I start training for my half marathon, I should be over waiting and just resigned to knowing when I know, which is desperately hard for me. So I am about to close my office door, change into running gear, and go run it out and reflect on how far I have come in a 'work sense' because here is the thing: It is what it is. nothing more. nothing less.

nine pages

A group of strangers are going to evaluate whether I should be permitted to work at my institution for the rest.of.my.life or not for even another semester based on 9 pages. NINE pages.


nine. pages.

asstastic

So I have got the hemorrhoids. I actually got them when I was pregnant with the College Kid, but they never, ever bothered me.

That is over.

The 'home care' as prescribed by Dr. Google?

Ice.

Really?

I am supposed to put ice on my...or in my...well, you know where hemorrhoids are. AND lay on my side. It is hard to computer laying on my side with ice...well, you know. AND it isn't like my arm is sore, or I pulled a muscle...so it is hard to explain to people that I can't hang out or do things because my hemorrhoids hurt too much. jeez. If it isn't one thing it's another. damn.

ETA: I think it is really fitting that I spelled hemorrhoids wrong THREE times in this post (don't check now, I fixed it.)

Architects are very detail driven

aren't they?

Then please explain to me how Mr. P sat across from me for an ENTIRE meal in a well lit restaurant and failed to mention that

MY SHIRT WAS ON BACKWARDS.




yeah, let's not go to the place where you ask me why I didn't know my own shirt was on backwards..mmmkay?

Body fluid removal kit

yeah, that sign attached to a teensy white suitcase looking dealy attached to the dashboard of the transit bus didn't instill much confidence in me this morning.

Yes, I am still doing the transit thing. I am still working on healthy, healthy, healthy...am actually in my second week of 10K training...not to do a 10K at any pace per se, but to complete one whilst completing the jogging motion the entire time on November 7. I am doing well on POINTS for the first 4 or so days of the week, then comes socializing all weekend and when I socialize I tend to drink beers and eat food. All this together means my weight is dropping ounces per week, but the key term is DROPPING and I can live with that for now.

I turn in my tenure dossier a week from today and am working on my teaching philosophy and research philosophy as well as revising a few papers and starting a new one, so my writing energy has been directed towards those endevours....I end up having no words left for blogging or commenting.

I have fun stuff coming up that should offer blog fodder that is not "whoa is me, I am fat", or "whoa is me, trying to get tenure sucks". Maybe tomorrow I will lighten the mood and tell you about how Mr. P has discovered farming on Facebook and posts PICTURES of his farm nearly daily. Or how my son just wrote a script and he and some friends are going to film a movie---they are even trying to convince one of the sub-managers at the movie theater to show it once. How my daughter got to have dessert with a Nobel prize winner yesterday...she was selected from an entire college due to her research efforts. Or how my nephew is dreaming of the day he can get tiny again so that he is free to poop in his pants. naaaahhh. "Whoa is me" is much more how I roll these days.

split this.

So, last Thursday after I did a thorough house cleaning I decided I deserved new sheets because I need additional reasons to stay in bed all damn day (see Tuesday). So I head over to my bestie Overstock.com and buy 800 thread count sheets for our king bed for $99. Next day, Mr. P and I are at Bed, Bath and Beyond and lesser thread count sheets are $70 EACH (flat and fitted) and I feel completely justified in spending $80 at Old Navy on a new dress and other 'necessities'.



The sheets arrived on Wednesday and Mr. P opened them.



Mr. P: What is a split king set?

Me: (as I look at the package and feel the sheets) A flat sheet and a fitted set? Remember at BBB you had to buy them separate?

Mr. P: Oh. Should I put them in the wash?

Me: Yeah, I am done sleeping like a peasant on regular sheets.



(From the laundry room)

Mr. P: Fuck.

Me: What?

Mr. P: Split means the fitted is SPLIT into two twins or whatever and I already put flat sheet in the washer with soap and water.





What the hell is wrong with me? How do I not know that? Plus when I looked at what I ordered, the NON-split king sets of 1000 count sheets were $20 less. So...anyone need a pair of sage split king fitted sheets?



Oh, and would you have known what that meant?

why you never use your husband's laptop

I woke up this morning to sun (it only lasted 30 minutes, but whatev) and decided to do a quick iPod update off of Mr. P's laptop before I headed out on my run because I know he had recently purchased Love Drunk and I wanted to listen to it on my run today. (Okay, I really wanted I'm on a Boat, but that is MORE embarrassing).

So, admittedly without his permission, I grab his laptop, turn it on get on his iTunes library, go to his recently purchased...and guess what I found?

Vampire Diaries.

<----- She is a LIAR

Last night I was LITERALLY 30 seconds from sending Mr. P for a Sonic Lo Cal Cherry Limeade and burgers when Mr. P was looking through the guide on the DVR and I saw that Biggest Loser had started and asked him to turn it on. As I watched the opening credits and first challenge I just stared at the television and asked myself why would I let work angst lead to fat angst AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. So last night, I didn't. I clicked off of FaceBook and went to the WeightWatchers website and entered all my points for Monday AND Tuesday. I then went into the kitchen and fixed my version of mac and cheese (semolina with a laughing cow wedge), dug a peach and some spinach out of the crisper and managed to stay within Points yesterday.

On November 7, Mr. P and I are running in a 10K at twilight through a park filled with Christmas lights. I want to jog the whole thing (no walking), so I started a training program on Monday...today I did yesterday's workout, and since today was a scheduled rest day, I am no longer behind. BUT, my Nike + chickadee is a skanky liar. I actually ran my 3 miles in 39 minutes, but my Nike+ keeps "ending workouts" at will, and I have to restart it...today it was after 1.07 miles, then after another 1.4 miles, then again after .02 miles and I got frustrated and just listened to music and finished up...it was my normal 5K route, so I know I got the mileage in...I will spend some time today trying to figure out why it is doing that. I hate to have to buy another one, but I will...I need to visit Nike + to view my runs. NEED it.

Now to get ready for work...oh and karma can be mean. Mr. P is sick now. That's what we get for taking a freebie.

now I have an enabler

Yesterday afternoon I had meetings with the dean of the college and the head of my department in regards to my tenure packet. The meetings were okay, but I am feeling less and less confident, but I must admit, there is no real reason to, other than I am just so...well, me. Add to that, a friend sent me an ad for a super cute studio condo for sale downtown (exactly what I want, where I want) and the pressure inside me is building to a critical level.

Today my sister posted about all her activities to keep her out of the funk I am in now. I had typed out a comment, that I then realized I could use as my own post today to compare and contrast, in her words from her comment yesterday, our current coping styles.

So read what she did today, then read how I handled myself during the same span of time, not 6 miles from her flurry of activity.

I went in the COMPLETE opposite direction as Penny. I am still in pajamas and glasses, I was too lazy to put in my contacts because I will only be out of bed for 8 ish hours today. Mr. P called in sick, we stayed in bed until nearly 2pm watching Friends on DVD...Season 1. We then moved upstairs to the couch where we have caught up on all our TiVo. Ate pizza. Played on iTunes. I farmed on FaceBook. We are out of laundry soap and I have a sink full of dishes. I haven't run and I don't plan to at this point and I feel like shit about it because I started my 10K training program yesterday.

I haven't even sent in my vote for dinner tomorrow (Penny sent us all an email about a new dinner locale) because that decision requires me to make.a.decision and I just don't have it in me.

Here is where I stand, well sit on the couch watching Chad Ochocinco compare losing his ability to Twitter on the sidelines with losing his penis (and I thought I was dramatic). I get today to wallow, and wallow in the deepest most pessimistic depths of my soul. When my alarm goes off at 5am tomorrow, I will put my crappy attitude back in my pocket and move ahead. I will do my run from today tomorrow morning, then maybe add in a good walk tomorrow afternoon if the weather permits. I will finish my dossier and give it to my department head so I can let it all go, because at that point it is what it is. Start working on a new research project. Prep my classes. Buy tickets to Indianapolis. Get a hotel reservation to visit my friend in College Station at the end of September. Start planning my Halloween costume (Mr. P and I are going as Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper from Blue's Clues). Focus on the awesome stuff, and let this tenure crap fucking crawl back into the recesses of my mind until I get information on the vote in mid-October. At that point I will give myself permission to wallow should the need arise. Until then...

Today I let my crap get the best of me. Tomorrow I will get the best of it. Promise.

checked out

I kind of thought I was 'over' the whole going up for tenure thing, but I realized that I am completely NOT over it at all actually. I am teaching my classes, and going to the meetings I have to go to, but come Wednesday afternoon, I completely check out of work stuff and have been occupying my time with farming on Facebook and playing this weird game on my DS (I say it is weird because I am assuming it is for kids, but it is about a box that kills whoever opens it, and there is a really fat obnoxious lady, and a missing dog that everyone thought was a toddler). Now here I am, Monday morning, ready for classes, but just not feeling it because that is what I do when stuff gets overwhelming. I just ignore it. completely. Plus I am not really reading any blogs, or responding to comments because I am completely pissy...I am not doing so great on the healthy front (I gained FIVE (5) pounds last week and it is supposed to rain every day this week and I feel horrible that I am this whiney and pouty because I know of people who would probably kill for my set of 'problems'. Anyway, I digress.

I think I have mentioned it, but Mr. P and I both are alumni of my current employer. My sister and her husband and all his siblings are alumni. My kids are students. I LOVE the university, and it's sports teams, especially football. I have had season tickets every year, but Saturday is the first game I have been to in 13 years. Even without going to the games I probably have not missed more than a minute of a game in the entire time I have been a student or alum. (Even when I went to see Eli the first time, I watched the game quietly on my computer when he was 3 weeks old.) I quit going to the games because I got really scared during a game where there was a fire outside the stadium, but it didn't look like it was outside and I couldn't figure out how 80,000 people could get out unscathed. Plus I don't like to be crowded or for strangers to touch me. And I like beer.

Thursday afternoon Mr. P informed me that he thought we should use my tickets and go. I was quite nervous, but excited too. We went. It was amazing. I had SO much fun. SO MUCH. I fell in love with my school all over again, and it breaks my heart to think she might not love me back.

I think his hair is in the trash

One of the great things about Penny et al. moving to Alabama is our new founded family dinner night each and every Wednesday evening. Penny, Teddy, Eli, CK, CK2, Mr. P and I gather and go out to eat at one particular spot that we used to take CK and CK2 for dinner when they were just a year or two older than Eli is now. Tonight, as usual, Eli was the star of dinner, even though it was slightly at Mr. P's expense.

Eli was sitting in between CK and Teddy, and in the midst of coloring, this conversation took place:

Eli: MR. P., where is your hair?
(Mr. P is not bald per se, but does wear his do "high and tight" if it were.)
Penny: Eli, where do you think his hair is?
Eli: In the trash.

Then we all died from laughing right there at the restaurant. Well, except Mr. P and he took his sweet time reviving us. OH, and then we got laughing really hard just TALKING about this clip:

losing my shiznit

I hate it when my students piss me off to the point I forget how happy I was not 6 hours ago.

Last night Mr. P texted me and asked me out to dinner and a movie...we went to Applebee's where I had a FIVE point salad, which was ehh...but I supplemented with some tasty treats off of his appetizer platter. Then we went to see Julie&Julia, the movie I swore not to see because WHY oh WHY should another blogger get a damn movie when I want a damn movie. I super hearted the movie and felt like a complete shit because both of those women completely struggled to get their stories told, and well, let's be honest here...I haven't done jack worthy of a book, let alone a movie. We topped off our evening with a Lo-Cal Cherry Limeade and an early bedtime.

This morning, I ran at 5:45 where I saw a DEER and a BEAVER out and about. awesome. Ran over 5K and felt all spry. Got showered, packed my breakfast...I am now 'into' the Kashi Proactive cereal because you can have a CUP of it in your yogurt breakfast for the same points as 1/2 cup of Almond Flax nuggets and I am alls about the quantity. I also bought some pre-cut fruit called 'Hawaiian Blend' with mango and pineapple. I trekked to the transit (almost at a month now...getting habitual) and got into work right on time.

THEN, I opened my email and had MANY emails from students claiming to have the hamthrax or other illnesses they do not choose to get diagnosed so as to avoid getting the hamthrax from the clinic. ack. The administration has done everything but tell the students...claim swine flu and we will come to your house, cook you soup and go over the lessons individually with you. I can't say or do anything regarding these "illnesses", so while aggravating, I can deal. It is this one that sent me over the top:

I will not be in class (I really don't feel like it).

See, I have a clause in my syllabus that tells them they are to let me know when they are not coming to class as I expect them every day since it is a graduate class. This student took me very seriously. idiot.

I did a quad stretch

WHOO HOO!!!!

I realized yesterday that either during my run yesterday or during the family whiffle ball game on Sunday I did something that made my quads a bit sore, so I was thinking during my run today that I needed to remember to stretch really well after I finished up. I did a long HOT 3.62 miles in the HOT HOT HOT (okay it's only 81 but if felt hotter than that), and when I walked into the air conditioning I immediately sweated out 14 pints of sweat and had to strip off my running clothes. I drank 18 glasses of water, then remembered...STRETCH. Hamstrings? check. Calves? check. Quads? yipes...I usually do that with my shoes on because I can't quite grasp around my ankle and pull my foot to my butt, I have to grab my shoe. No shoe. I thought...can I? And so I tried. It was a bit slippery and awkward, but I managed to grab my ankle and pull my foot up to my butt without grabbing a shoe, shoelace or sock!!!

I like that story way better than the one I was going to tell you about how Friday night I fell off a curb in front of 80 or 500 college kids and skinned my elbow and knee and was immediately relegated back to the fat clumsy old lady. Yeah, that story is just embarrassing. Never mind.

the Fat God's smiled upon me...

and even with the JOKE of an effort I put forth towards being healthy, healthy, healthy since Thursday, I managed to lose .8 lbs this week. I will take it! I have already run today, and am trying to decide what to put on the menu at Chez Potchery this week...but before I get all excited about my lower BMI, and Fat Score of 84.53%, I owe my sister an apology...so I put it out here on the Interwebs.

Penny hosted a Labor Day barbecue at her house yesterday for all of us. She put out carrot sticks and almonds for snacks, and then made a salad and chicken kabobs and No Pudge brownies. Had some diet sodas and sangria. She had us all set for a supreme healthy day. Enter Hotch and fam. We brought chips. dips. hotdogs. chips. and tabouli. So we sabotaged her efforts at keeping it completely healthy. (In all selfishness, Mr. P and I took our leftover tailgate food to her house so that we would have.to.share. and now it is all gone, and we are ready to start over with natural, healthy stuff). Our bad decisions on Saturday should NOT have carried over to putting chips onto her plate yesterday. For that I am apologizing, and I pledge to work on being better.

BUT...in retrospect, as a complete family, we have come quite a ways. We had several bouts with food throughout the afternoon and evening (we went over for an 8 hours visit). First, we had chicken and veggie kabobs, grill potatoes (potato/onion/tsp butter/hot sauce), some veggies with dip, watermelon, tabouli. Interspersed with chips (some Baked Lays, some Ruffles) and dip. Dessert was No Pudge brownies. Then we played---whiffle ball. dodge ball. soccer. running through the sprinkler. Maybe a total of two-ish hours outside. Then Trivial Pursuit with some Salt and Vinegar chips, watermelon and some more brownies. Then we topped off the day with hotdogs: Jalapeno/Cheddar Oscar Mayer on wheat buns.

Yes, there was a LOT of food, in may be hard to believe, but in fact, as a family, are getting better. In the past we would have had MORE chips (we heart us some chips). lots of beer. not much playing outside, if any. lots of hotdogs, burgers, potato salad, cookies, candy. maybe pizza. or wings. or pizza and wings.

The major thing I took from this weekend aside from great times with friends, a dynamite win in college football and being oh so happy to get to have an 8 hour barbecue with my whole family is that Mr. P and I still have quite a ways to go with respect to not letting food steal the entertainment spotlight!

While food is still the star of our show, it's shine is beginning to dim....

Monday wasn't the first day

on my quest to throw all my work away and regain the weight....

I have been on this journey so many times and I get to about the point where I am now, either in time committed, jogging level, or weight lost and I throw in the towel...I never really recognize that I have wrapped up the current portion of my journey until about 10 lbs later.

It usually happens after a trip much like the one I had last weekend, or the holidays, or football season. I go 6 days without running, 4 days without counting points and just eating whatever is handy instead of thinking about what my body needs, then I think...ehh...what is one more day at this point?

Even though I was pumped about vanilla obese, I didn't get up in time to run before work, and that lead me to thinking (at the time), ehh...why bother with yogurt/fruit/cereal, I already blew it, so I got a chicken biscuit. In a tiny (and temporary) moment of clarity I did order fruit instead of hash browns. Then for lunch I had a sandwich and then managed to talk myself into baked chips as opposed to the Jalapeno flavored that were calling out to me. But dinner!?! Chicken fingers. Fries. Coleslaw. twenty two points worth. twenty two. When I had five left...there went my Weeklies. This is USUALLY the point I figure...fuck it, this week is toast.

But....yesterday I got up and ran 5K. Made meatballs out of ground turkey breast, added them to a sauce I got at Whole Foods, and added some extra green pepper, onion and mushrooms, and let the CrockPot handle it. I ate my yogurt breakfast. Salad for lunch with my sister. For dinner I had my meatball creation over wheat pasta. Tuesday goes down in the books as a good day.

What about today, you ask?

5K before work? CHECK. Yogurt breakfast? Checkity check.

My journey continues. Good for me.