Monday, March 16, 2009

I wrote the gospel of giving up.

Nope, I didn't give up on myself yesterday. The title is just lyrics from a song I was listening to when I went to the GYM for 2+ hours yesterday afternoon. (My sister LOVES references to song lyrics.)

Took my Fatty McGoo test this morning, and scored 91.61%. Not much of a change from last week (.6lbs) but still trending downward. I did lose 1.06lbs of fat though.

For the first time in a long time, I am letting myself feel my actual hurt. My hurt about my paper. My hurt about my research portfolio. My hurt over work that has to be done, perhaps in vain, for this tenure decision since my preliminary packet has to be submitted in two weeks. Hurting sucks. Hurting about something out of my control sucks so big. Nothing I can do about Alain. It is what it is, and my only choice is to get my shit together and move forward. I feel like I am pretty close to being able to do just that.

Normally though, my course of action would be to mask my actual hurt with food and perhaps an adult beverage or eight. THEN, I can hurt over my bad decisions, which I can control. I am not sure why that has been the better choice in the past, but I am glad it wasn't my choice yesterday.

I hope it won't be my choice today.

10 comments:

Astarte said...

I'm so proud of you!!!! No matter what happens profesionally, *you* are what matters. Without you, you are nothing, so to speak! Stick to your mental guns, girlfriend!

kilax said...

I'm sorry about your paper. BUT, I am proud of you for feeling these emotions, even though they are so awful, and resisting letting it all go. Good for you :)

Anonymous said...

Great job! This is a huge step. I think in our family EATING/DRINKING is the solution for EVERYTHING...I think if you(we) can start breaking this habit it would be HUGE. I can't wait to run 5k's and hold hands. I hope we can get t-shirts made with our pictures on them holding hands and then wear them while we hold hands...

Tracy

tara said...

I think in most families eating and drinking is the solution for everything. Good to see you recognize it and change it, for even just one day! That's Big Progress, dearie, and you deserve serious kudos for it.

seplowingermany said...

Hi there. So sorry to hear about your paper, but you should be so PROUD of yourself for how you are handling it. Not turning it into a downward spiral for everything you are working for is HUGE. Think of how far you have come in terms of your behaviors and it being able to acknowledge that this hurts and this is hard. That is AWESOME.
Very proud you should be.

Alice said...

dude. you are strong, and you rock. many kudos to you :-)

DAVs said...

One day at a time sometimes. Congrats on getting through yesterday, and I hope today was easier.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

That is huge. A big breakthrough. Eating and drinking is my solution and it's not a good one. Good for you. Sorry all this is happening- it is so undeserved- but I am proud how you are dealing with it.

Swistle said...

Oh, ah...never mind on my suggestion of binge eating/drinking, then!

Debby said...

Initially, we all try to comfort ourselves in disappointment. If we can get through those first few days, then we move on to simply dealing with the disappointment itself, not resorting to unhealthy means of comforting ourselves. I'm very sorry about your paper, but I've an idea that you're going to be just fine.

 
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