Drowing in my own head

I worked 14 hours on Monday and I was exhausted.

I woke up Tuesday morning and learn that my sister is having a hard few days and that makes me feel awful because I can't do anything to help her. Then a mere minutes later I learn that my colleague died. He was 38 years old. His wife is FORTY. FORTY. My exact age. Her husband, her life partner is gone. She has three children. She is FORTY.

So I went running and got all inside my own head with angst and mortality thoughts and more and more and more angst. I decide to power through and head to circuits. After circuits I am flying through the locker room getting changed for hula.

I run into an old friend. She started out as my sister's boss. Then she gave Mr. P some work one summer that we were really broke...he painted her restaurant silver. It still is silver and it always makes me smile when I see it. She gave my kid's their first jobs. Last year during the awful, brutal 10K she hung with me a bit and high fived and was super supportive of my weightloss/exercise efforts. Anyways I ask her how she has been and she blurts out, "My mom died." fuck me. They were shopping on New Year's Eve and her mom just fell down...she had a stroke and died and I never had any idea. I really rock on the friend frontier.

So I went to hula.

Then I cried.

And now?

I am trapped in my own head and I can't get out.

Chicken Finger and Fries 1.2, Hotch Potchery 0

So there you have it....I gained 1.2lbs this week. Blech. BUT (here come the blatant rationalizations...beware!) I don't actually think I REALLY gained 1.2 pounds for two reasons.

1. I normally run before I weigh in (which I know artificially lowers my weight, but I do it every week so there) and today I rested because I have a slightly troublesome hamstring that is JUST about perfectly non hurting today. (And it was really chilly this morning AND I just couldn't get myself out of bed at 530am.)

2. Chicken fingers and fries yesterday and NO water (only soda). Bad bad bad. All hail my bloaty bloaty gut.

In spite of all my shortcomings over the weekend I was still within my points and so I think it might work itself out in the long run. Then today as part of my pouty gainy mood, I had Chick Fil A for breakfast, but I didn't go so far as to have hash rounds, and then a sandwich for lunch. However I vow to cap off my day with a HUGE salad, spaghetti squash and lots of delicous water.

Tomorrow is a big day, I will run, go to circuits class and hoop. Glorious activity to get me out of this rut!

and racing season begins!

Our first 5K of 2010 was on Saturday. I had a personal best of 37:11 seconds which is FIVE MINUTES faster than my first 5K of 2009!!!

We have this weekend off from an organized race, then a 10K on February 6, 5K on February 13, and the half is on March 7. I would like to find another one for the weekend of February 20 because one of the races we like is being held on March 6 and we will have already left for the half since it is several hours away.

I would love to think that after logging so many miles that I would have a good loss this week, and things were looking good UNTIL Friday. After the 10'er we went out for Mexican food and then I ate macaroni and cheese. No fruits or veggies to speak of. Then Saturday after the 5K things were going great with banana pancakes (wholegrain with flax seed), then a yummy salad for lunch. Then we met our half marathon buddy for drinks which led to hash browns at Waffle House. Then today I had a salad after I scavenged the house looking for chips, then broke down and had chicken fingers. and FRIES.

I have heard over and over and over this week about how "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and since I haven't been thin in EONS I am tempted to call bullshit since cheese dip and chicken fingers taste awesome. I guess recency effects are ruling me for now.

We shall see how the scale reacts to my ode to sodium. But the kinda very cool thing about this being a life.style not a diet is that I always have a chance to get it right the very.next. meal and I never really throw in the towel and completely revert.

Here's to yogurt, Kashi and fruit in the morning!

I am a complete TEN

mile runner! Today was the day...I basically scheduled my entire week around this long run. I mapped it out early in the week and psyched myself up. Maybe TOO up.

It was hard. Really, really hard. I was not hydrated enough. I got hungry. I don't really remember from miles 6 until 9. But here I sit victorious with my 10 mile run. Tired. Sore. Awesome.

fried circuits!

If any of you read Shelley's blog you know that she has awesome trainers and she does a bunch of exercises via circuits. I mentioned on her blog awhile back that in her honor I was going to give a circuits class at my gym a try. THEN on Saturday, the instructor for the class was out having drinks with several other trainers (where we were having drinks) and I opened my drinky mouth and said I would be there today.

I was. It was TOUGH. and pretty awesome. I have NO core strength, and the abs/core workout in Body Pump is so thoroughly insane in this edition, I likely won't improve much in that class because it is at the end and I am drained so I don't have great motivation to look for substitute exercises. But back to circuits, It was 10 stations...each one you do for 30 seconds, then cardio for one minute (I jogged around the indoor track, duh), then back to the same station for another 30 seconds then cardio then SWITCH. I was super sweaty and dog tired. I will be back next Tuesday!

On a different, but related note...I am now at TWO days of not going over my daily points. Usually I am into my weeklies on Mondays because I justify working out making me hungry. Tonight, I, for the first time on this journey, made box macaroni and cheese. Annie's Homegrown Organic Whole Wheat Shells and White Cheddar. OH.MY.GOD. (said in the style of Janice from Friends). It was SO good. I stir fried a bunch of veggies to have with it, and I swear I passed out kind of a little bit I was shocked that it was BOX mac and cheese and, and, AND it was well within my points. SO well within my points and what I had already eaten for the day, I could have eaten.the.whole.box and would have only gone over my POINTS by .5 for the day. I logged it. I had it in my bowl. I had it salted and peppered. I clicked open the microwave to heat it up...then I dumped it in a Rubbermaid container and slapped it in the fridge. Instead I had a yogurt breakfast...for dessert, for half the points.

I think I didn't eat it because I have eaten SO many boxes of macaroni and cheese by my.self. that I need to break that cycle even IF the points are there.

How about you? What are your triggers...even the healthified ones?


OH, before I head to bed, a few of you asked about hooping (thanks for caring, by the way)...
No hooping for me today because I had to be at a meeting, but the DVD that I am practicing with is a Hoopnotica trial version that my friend lent me. I requested the next two DVDs from Netflix, and I will let you know how they go. Luckily the hooping class is so popular it is offered now on Tuesday AND Wednesday, so I get to go tomorrow! I have been practicing, so tomorrow I might get to learn a TRICK. I am very CAPITALLY today.

The turtles are out

This morning I woke up to a super bright, gorgeous blue sky. I was a bit tentative when I opened the door for the dog to go out this morning, but I was hit right in the face with a FIFTY FIVE degree day. I couldn't get into my running clothes fast enough--and as soon as I got by the pond, I saw all the turtles out getting their sun and I remembered yet again why I live in the south. I had a great 5K run, and then took the dog for a walk...I checked the weather and the rest of the week is supposed to get even better.

I really need some sun and outside time---nothing new is wrong yet I have been feeling all blue and pensive about mine and Mr. P's mortality, and I am sure the gray, cold skies are making it worse. Plus, this might sound ridiculous, but I took too much time off, and I am having a very hard time getting my ass back into gear!

Mr. P and I had a very nice weekend. We stocked up on healthy foods at Costco on Friday. Saturday morning we went running (in the pouring down rain, booyah), went to visit with Teddy's family, and capped off the day watching the Colts win with some friends (with drinks!). Yesterday I made Goulash soup in the crock pot and caught up on my DVR.

I weighed in this morning with a 1lb loss, which gets me to 83.87% of my starting weight. However, according to my fat percentage I lost 3.26 pounds of FAT! I guess getting back into the swing of weights and Body Pump are beginning to pay benefits, I hope Mr. P and I do better about going to the gym year round, not just the winter this year.

On another healthy front, I am halfway through my training for the 1/2 marathon, and I am getting both nervous and excited. This week's training includes a 10.2 mile run on Sunday. YIKES!!

Victorious!!!

I was able to hula hoop at class last night!!! Once I got home I even demonstrated for Mr. P, and he said, "WOW, how did you FINALLY figure it out?"

I know, right? 40 years is a long time to want to be able to do something! Okay, that is exaggerating, I probably didn't ever even try for the first time until I was 8 ish, but even 32 years was a long time to wait!

A few things I did different this week...I ran before class so that I would be good and loose (that is what she said), I wore more form fitting clothes because apparently the hoop will 'stick' better, and I worked on my hip posture all week. Apparently I let my butt pooch out too much, I need to tuck it more under...yeah, I don't really know either, but I worked on it and YAHOO.

I even got a DVD to practice with...if I can maintain success, I will post a video of my mad hula skillz next week! (I KNOW, please wait with bated breath.)

After class I met Mr. P at the gym. I thought of a way I wanted to challenge myself using the Biggest Loser show every week. On the first episode the contestants had a challenge where they had to ride a stationary bike for a marathon: 26.2 miles. I wanted to attempt their challenge while I watched this week's episode. I did it, but it took a whopping 77 minutes!

For next week I am not sure how to recreate the challenge they did yesterday...if any of you watched and have ideas, I am open!

Yesterday was a rousing success on both food and workout fronts. Now, let's see if I can build on that and go TWO whole days in a row!

I will smack you down with (PATH) words

There is a guy in my department that makes pies for everyone for Christmas. The first year, he sent me an email and asked when he could bring it by, but I am VERY weird about the presentability of my house and whether I could let a co-worker see it in a awful state of disarray, so I took awhile to respond at which point he apparently ate my pie. Then later he sent another email and by then my sister and her family were here and I didn't care to respond because I didn't want to have to try to schedule him coming by when my family was in and out and really? Family trumps work pie. Then he invited us to his house to watch the National Championship game, and I despise the team they were all rooting for, and to be frank, he is okay at work, but really quite full of himself, and I have people I COMPLETELY LIKE to hang around with outside of work. Then he invited us to his baby's birthday party which is quite nice, but just so happens it was when my sister was here a different time, and family trumps work baby party.

Then he spent a YEAR basically making a huge deal out of how much I "hate" him and "spite" him and all in fun and games, but really? I am sorry, but dude, it is WORK pie.

Then last year he brought my pie to work, he didn't invite me to do anything and all was good.

Then (when you are telling a story, do you put in "THEN" alot, because apparently I do) this year I got an email while on the cruise to which I replied, "Seriously, you are not going to believe me, but I am on a boat." Then we got home the 24th, spent the next 2 days with mom & family, then the 2 after that with dad & family to which we get to the 27th. Then I get news of my friend, we decide to go skiing, another friend was moving away (in the COMPLETELY LIKE category), so we got together for his going-away, and so last Monday was the first day I was ready for the general public.

So, last Monday I saw him in the copy room and he said "Hi" but wouldn't really look at me. I said, "Sorry, I just made it back" to which he replied:

"Don't hold your breath."

To which I immediately thought in my head, "Are you KIDDING ME? Like, I OWE him making free time to get a FUCKING WORK PIE that I CAN'T EVEN EAT?"

And, wait for it....THEN, yesterday I was on Facebook and saw that his wife posted pictures of a cake that my friend made for their kid's birthday. In the comments someone commented on how awesome the cake was and she posted, "I had a girl make it."

You HAD a GIRL make it?

That pushed my buttons. How condescending. You commissioned a fucking grown LADY architect to make you a gorgeous cake for way less than it is worth because she is MY FRIEND.

I mean, really, check this cake out:

So, you know what I did? Yesterday I saw on Facebook that her husband (the king of pie) was the leader in Path.words. I played. Guess who is in first place now?

TAKE IT.

baby, it is COLD outside

We purposefully live in the south even amongtst the rednecks and Jesus superfans because of the temperate weather...but that has NOT been the case the last week or so. We are awaking to temperatures in the TEENS. The Fahrenheit teens, even. We are supposed to get to 45 degrees this afternoon, and I can't wait it will feel positively balmy.

I don't know if it is strictly because of the super cold, or how much fun we had in December, but Mr. P and I are about to book another cruise...for Spring Break, to BELIZE. It is the week after the half-marathon and it is making us both very excited and happy to be on a great food and workout regime with some definite goals and rewards. The cruise will be our 21st anniversary present to ourselves--but we can't go anywhere on our real anniversary (in April) because of my work schedule.

As I mentioned, we ran on Friday, then on Saturday we took the tiny boy (Eli) to lunch and a college basketball game, then I went to a slumber party at Penny's. We ate PIZZA. and CHIPS. and CANDY. and CANDY. and CANDY. and watched all THREE High School Musical movies and Eli put eyeshadow on me and we made friendship bracelets.

Yesterday, Mr. P and I went and ran the horrific 10K route AGAIN (we ran it on Friday, too...oh and I really, really liked Avatar, but there was no pants action, we fell asleep as soon as we got home...8 miles is FAR), then went to the gym to work on getting some muscles.

Can you say BELIZE in two months?!? Then we got groceries and came home and made pasta with veggies. mmmm. We watched stupid Food Network because I didn't know that Big Love started last night, but I am very excited to watch it tonight!

This morning, I weighed in and lost 3.6 pounds. WHOOP. I had been thinking I really haven't made much progress in a while, but I just checked and I was right. I am only 5.2lbs lighter now than then...but it is LESS and I have continued to run, so hopefully now that I am working on getting the food under control as well I should start losing again.

Back to my morning, I cooked dinner (chicken, salsa, corn and blackbeans in the crockpot - courtesy of Penny), took the dog for a very short walk, packed breakfast and snacks and now am at work and have taught 1 of my classes, the other starts in 5 minutes. Then I have two more meetings and will FINALLY get home at 7:30ish.

While I definitely did not relish the alarm going off this morning, it is very nice and comforting to get back into a routine!

fun Fun FUN

Mr. P works until noon on Friday and he just got home and asked me out for a very fun date afternoon...here is the plan:

1. Long, slow run at the state park. It is the site of the HORRIBLY hard 10K that was our first race last year, and we thought it would be fun to see how we have progressed. Issue is that I am supposed to run 8 miles, but I think adding a GIANT mountain can count for some of that mileage.

2. Panera for refueling.

3. Avatar in 3D.

YAY!

Commenting BUG

No, no, not all those weird tiny bugs from my tree, but my laptop has some sort of weird bug that does 1 of 2 things when I try to comment on a blog that I have clicked through via reader (but it doesn't happen on any blogs that are hosted by NOT Blogger).

1. I click on the "Submit Comment" and nothing happens and the browser that has the blog open commences to freeze.

2. I manage to comment and then close the browser window, and then about 147 other tabs open and my computer freezes.

SO, due to these limitations, while I have read EVERY post in my reader, I have not commented even though I wanted to on so many of them, and it is really quite sad because I had OH.SO.MUCH. to offer with my wisdom, expertise and compassion.

Mr. P is home and we are off to NOT ROOT for either team in the National Championship as both are rivals of my alma maters...well except we will be NOT ROOTING for Bama WAY MORE (meaning we want Texas to win...sorry, Jen.)

and the HITS just a keep on a coming!

So yesterday was my first hula hooping class.


OH, I didn't tell you I was taking a hula hooping class? mmm. Well, it is yet another thing I have never, ever been able to do that I have always attributed to my fatness, and damn it, I want that to stop. Plus I have a friend and she is part of this hooping gang and they hoop all over town and it sounds just dorky enough that I want to play too. So, I go to hooping and there are several people a bit rounder than me, and even some quite a bit older than me, and a 65 year old DUDE, and



I.am.the.ONLY.one.who.can.NOT.hula.hoop.at.all.


Even after an hour of lessons, where I receive several remedial instructionals from the hula hooping guru. Apparently I do not have appropriate hip posture and man it is so discouraging, but I tried the entire time and have 7 more weeks of classes and damn it all, I will HULA.

So, after I get home from hula and we eat and watch Biggest Loser and play farming on the computer, I decide to retire quite a bit later than usual because oh, for the love of all my laziness, I am still sore from Monday's adventure back to Body Pump and it was easier to stay on the couch than go downstairs to go to bed.


And this brings us to the crux of our story today. Most of our house is on the TOP floor and there are stairs at the edge of our dining room that lead downstairs to the master suite...and our Christmas tree is right by those stairs so that when I walk down the stairs I can look under the tree at eye level. What? That isn't a very good description? OKAY, then...here is a drawing:


(Not to scale).




I have my new "Cooking Light" and the remains of a Diet Coke and I start easing my way down the stairs like a two year old, because OH MY GOD I am so sore. And I look at the little edge of the railing and I see lots of "DOTS" which I first just attribute to pine needles. Then. I looked a little closer.

YUP. BUGS.

Lots and lots of dead teensie tinsie disgusting bugs.

After I have a quick seizure thinking of all the lyme disease I surely have already caught from the 4,000 ticks that have taken over my house, I regroup, log back into my computer and Google, "black bugs Christmas tree".

Seems that, in fact, they are not ticks but instead are harmless aphids that stowed away on my tree and when the sap started running out they dried up and died. And you know what might completely skeeve you out? I left those dead suckers there and will vacuum them all up tonight after Hobson hits the streets. I was too tired and too sore to even consider taking the ornaments off the tree and I like my ornaments too much to do it when I am completely impatient.

So, while I did NOT have any hot flashes last night, I did have the creepy crawlies, just sure those aphids were all.over.me.

How was your day?

So, this is new...

but I got the hot flashes in the night time.

Yup.

Night sweats.

They are pretty awesome, and to tide me over until my vagina doctor appointment next Tuesday I did a quick web search, and WebMD had some lovely suggestions for how to ameliorate the hot flashes:

Avoid:

Stress. That is a tough one with some recent events.* I don't know about tenure yet. But sure, I will try to cut back on my stressful thinking.

Caffeine. Wow. I love the Diet Coke. LOVE it. That is another toughy.

Alcohol. Seriously? I like to unwind with a cold beverage now and again. It helps with the STRESS.

Spicy foods. Now they are just taunting me. We add jalapenos, red pepper flakes and Tabasco to nearly everything then wash it down with Diet Coke or BEER.

Tight clothing. DUDE, I have really started digging the yoga/running pants that make me look slimmer and shirts that FIT so I only look as big as I actually am.

Heat. I live in ALABAMA, however, the weather is currently cooperating with it being about 12 degrees right now.

Cigarette smoke. This one? I can do, hands down. I don't smoke and there is no smoking allowed in buildings in my town.

ehh, in retrospect, waking up a half dozen times completely sweaty wasn't all THAT bad...






*I got news that my dissertation chair has blood cancer, to go along with my colleague very close to dying and my friend who may or may not have a complete spinal cord injury VERY high up which could mean complete paralysis. We haven't gotten any news from his wife since the surgery.

I wrapped around!

Nope, not a tree while skiing (I actually only fell once getting off a lift!)....but a calendar year while on this healthy, healthy, healthy journey. I have NEVER hung around for a year, and while I basically maintained from April to now, I have made some significant improvements in my life(style):

• Lost 39.6 pounds, which brings me to 85.55% of the woman I was with respect to size, but incredibly I have grown tremendously in the experiences department!



• I put over 500 615.89 miles on my Nike+, and wore out TWO pairs of running shoes. I have logged an EIGHT mile run. I have run in count 'em, 1, 2, 3 10K's, and 4FIVE 5K's that I can remember (I had forgotten about the one the day after the 10K). I registered for my first half marathon (and have since registered Mr. P as well.)



• I took my first Body Pump class.



• I went kayaking AND skiing.

• I got used to eating breakfast.



• I bought and WORE clothes from regular stores...including a bathing suit!



• I broke out of super, extra obese and got down to plain old ugly obese.

However, even with all of these accomplishments that I am super proud of, I have had a six week period of simple debauchery. Drinking too much. Eating WAY too much. Not exercising nearly enough.

So we are wrapped around to this first week of January. Yogurt, fruit, and whole grain bread in the fridge. Gym bag packed and plans to meet Mr. P after work at the gym to get reacquainted with the weight machines and/or Body Pump. Printing out a copy of the class schedule so we can create our schedule...I love a good schedule especially when I have been OFF schedule for over a month.


Thanks for bearing with me for what has been a good year on retrospect, even though I whined an awful lot. I have it pretty damn good.

Thanks for all the well wishes for my friend. I am afraid the prognosis is worse than I expected, although granted, he is alive. I have some stuff I want to write about tomorrow after a critical surgery is conducted today.