Thursday, January 28, 2010

Drowing in my own head

I worked 14 hours on Monday and I was exhausted.

I woke up Tuesday morning and learn that my sister is having a hard few days and that makes me feel awful because I can't do anything to help her. Then a mere minutes later I learn that my colleague died. He was 38 years old. His wife is FORTY. FORTY. My exact age. Her husband, her life partner is gone. She has three children. She is FORTY.

So I went running and got all inside my own head with angst and mortality thoughts and more and more and more angst. I decide to power through and head to circuits. After circuits I am flying through the locker room getting changed for hula.

I run into an old friend. She started out as my sister's boss. Then she gave Mr. P some work one summer that we were really broke...he painted her restaurant silver. It still is silver and it always makes me smile when I see it. She gave my kid's their first jobs. Last year during the awful, brutal 10K she hung with me a bit and high fived and was super supportive of my weightloss/exercise efforts. Anyways I ask her how she has been and she blurts out, "My mom died." fuck me. They were shopping on New Year's Eve and her mom just fell down...she had a stroke and died and I never had any idea. I really rock on the friend frontier.

So I went to hula.

Then I cried.

And now?

I am trapped in my own head and I can't get out.


Shelley said...

Sometimes it seems like everyone around you is having a rough time and it's so hard to keep getting slammed with more bad news. Shocking about your colleague. That is so young - was it a heart attack? Wow. I can't imagine.

To be fair, with the old friend, how were you to know about her mom? It's sad that it happened, and the way she told you probably means that she needed to get it out, so I'm sure you helped her.

Is Penny's dog any better?

Anonymous said...

That is all really sad news. We are at the age where more parents and older family friends start dying, and that is awful. It's really sad about your colleague; I also know a young widowed person. But remember that it is quite unusual for someone to die of natural causes at our age.

You still have plenty of time to rock on the friend frontier. If your friend's Mom only died a month ago, she is still in deep grieving and would welcome a handwritten note, coherent e-mail, or loaf of banana bread. She was probably glad she could tell you.

Tammie said...

im so sorry you're having a rough time. it does seem like you're having quite the funk lately, especially with a lot of your friends and acquaintances.

creative kerfuffle said...

all of this bad stuff sucks balls--but did you reread your post? when you got upset or didn't reach for a bag of chips, you worked out! you ran, you did something physical. oh how far you've come hotch.
i really do hate to hear about your co-worker. in march it will be a year that my bil died, he was only 45. his kids are my kids' ages. when people our age's just wrong. and wrapping your brain around it takes a long time.

lastchanceivf said...

I'm so sorry for all of that sadness and loss around you.

I guess, in times like those, it at least makes me run right home to Mr. LC's arms and hug him tight and let him know how much he means to me.

I hope things get better HP.

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck. That just sucks all around. I'm sorry.

Jen L. said...

Oh, gosh, HP, I"m so sorry to hear all this. Let yourself cry if you need to. All that physical activity is good for you, too, but it's ok to have someone wrap their arms around you and let you cry. Sending big warm hugs.

Not Your Aunt B said...

Let it all out. Life just sucks sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and things that shouldn't ever happen, do. I am so sorry to hear it. That is so very sad about your coworker and your friend's mom. My heart goes out to their families.

Amy said...

HP... you can't know that things suck for other people until they tell you. You are a good friend because you care. Your guilty feelings show that. It's been a truly sucky week for you. I know it's going to turn around soon.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

They say bad things happen in threes. Maybe it applies to bad news, too.

Sometimes life throws us these curve balls to (a) show we can handle and persevere through tough times and (b) to remind us how unbelievably good our lives are otherwise. You're a good person, don't forget that. And your friends and family know that; otherwise, they wouldn't confide in you.

kilax said...

What a bad week. Take time time you need to recoup :(

Jenn said...

Oh, HP, I'm so, so sorry. What horrible news you've received.
Give your family lots of hugs. My thoughts are with you.

Fatinah said...

wow. I'm so sorry.

Alice said...

HUG HUG HUG HUG. don't be so hard on yourself, though. i mean, are you supposed to go around PROACTIVELY asking people if their moms have suddenly passed away ?? of course not... you asked what a friend SHOULD ask, which was how she was. it's not your fault she's been going through tough times. although i definitely can see how this all would get you down :-( i hope you had a good weekend and are feeling a bit better. HUG HUG HUG.

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