I wish I could just get mad

Edited to add: This entry was originally on my other blog, I have since deleted it in my ever growing angst that someone at my work would see it and take it to mean I don't have family values....

For those of you who happened across this blog accidentally, you may want to drop back by another day, or scroll down to the entry regarding my husband's loathing of colby jack cheese...those are the blog posts I aspire to.

However, I am wallowing in a sea of self pity and what is the blogosphere for anyhow. I usually LOVE Thursdays...love. love. well...yeah, totally love. Here is why: I can work from home (if at all), on Thursdays. I usually have several days worth of good tv to watch on my DVR. Noone is home except for me and the animals...and get this, for the last 6 weeks a group of 4 or 5 women come and clean my house while I watch DVR, or nap, or get a pedicure, or play at the park with my nephew and sister, or whatever the hell I want to do. This is awesome...I really like my house to be clean, and unfortunately the clean gene skipped me and wound up full time in my sister. Plus, the day after Thursday is Friday which is the day that football revelry really kicks it up...everyone is in town for the game, we meet, have drinks, talk trash. So Thursday is like my warm up day for the rest of the weekend.

But today, I am not happy. I am not sitting here giddily watching the Biggest Loser knowing I have Flashpoint and New Christine still in the hopper...no, I am incessently dialing my mother's phone number...over and over and over and over and ...well you get the point. She isn't answering...and the thing is, she is probably sitting on her couch, shitfaced on wine that she bought at 6am this morning when she went out for her daily cigarette run, thrilled in her own sadistic way that she first got my sister's attention...now mine. I want to be angry. I want to be furious. I want to get downright mad...but all I feel right now is unbelievably sad. I can't watch my tv, I keep pausing and having to rewind because I can't hear what they are saying with all the crap going through my head. I really probably need to go to therapy.

When my sister warned me this was happening again, the first thing I did was take a mental inventory of anything I might have done to set this off...now today I feel guilty because its my fun day, and she is sitting somewhere alone feeling awful. I try to remind myself...she should feel awful, not me. I didn't abandon my 16 year old because I was too busy having an affair. I didn't not show up for Thanksgiving dinner with BOTH my children and all my grandchildren because I decided I would rather be drunk then have to spend a holiday alone when my boyfriend was with his family. I didn't refuse to answer the door and force a tiny boy to change into his soccer uniform on his grandmother's porch. I didn't skip my daughter's baby shower because I couldn't bear to see my child happy and successful. I didn't accuse my child of MISSING HER HUSBAND TO TAUNT ME.

We can't talk to our mom about loving our husbands, because she didn't. We can't talk about loving our babies and nephews and nieces because she doesn't. We can't talk about liking (or hating) our jobs because she doesn't have one. We can't talk about being sad, or lonely, or scared, because she is, and so noone else in the world can be. We can talk about the weather, her dog, and that is it...when or if she fucking answers the phone.

I was happy yesterday. Stuff at work is coming together. My kids are declaring majors, and being in the play, and being pretty responsible and cool adults. My husband is goofy and crabby and I love him more now than 20 years ago. My sister and her family are thinking about moving here. My nephew is smart and healthy and sweet. I have every reason to be happy today, I want to be happy today....but I am sitting here crying because I am not happy, and I really, really, really wish I were mad.