Can I do it?

I am talking about NaBloPoMo (now a part of BlogHer, who's site does not heart me, as it crashed twice when I tried to sign up.)


And the half marathon I registered for yesterday (Seaside Half in March).


And the commitment I made to my trainer to really concentrate on health and wellness until the half (with some allowed and encouraged holiday fare).


And finally, can I talk about what caused me to stop blogging?


Yes. I realize that now I could write about what happened that day about 18 months ago when I typed a blog post only to delete it, shut down blogger and rarely return, but I don't need to (while it might make me feel better, it might make someone(s) feel worse, even if they don't know/read the blog). I have gotten some clarity on why I am how I am and what it will mean to be to be at a "normal" weight. I don't need a fat cloak anymore. I think I have finally outgrown it.

HAUNTED, I tell you. HAUNTED.

A few months ago, Tammie posted a book review for the book, "We need to talk about Kevin". I tend to like a lot of the same stuff, so I downloaded it to my Kindle App on my phone and I started reading it. At first, I thought it was kind of talky just to be talky. Longwinded descriptions of things I didn't care about because I wanted to get to the good stuff. I eventually settled down and really read it. I finished it quite some time ago, but I keep re-reading parts of it, namely the end. Over. and Over.

I have never read a book that has haunted me. When I speak too crossly to one of my children, or not crossly enough. When I am overly critical to a student, or I let something slide. When I let Mr. P out of my sight without telling him something good, or fail to really push my perspective when I feel like he isn't listening. All the time, I think about this book. I know it is fiction. I know it isn't real. But it COULD be, and it could have been me if my kid had a different temperment...my kid was a complete lovey dovey butterball, but if she hadn't MADE me be her mother at times, I wonder what might have been.

I have read several good books, seen a few good movies and even a play. But still, I always feel like I need to talk about Kevin.

6 hours

I am not sure how much of Mr. P's work stuff I have shared here...but a quick recap. Last July Mr. P got laid off from his architecture firm. Within a few weeks he started working for a construction company as their construction coordinator. Well, the firm wasn't doing too well, and Mr. P ended up working as a superintendent at a job site about 40 miles away. He was working crazy hours and I was coming up on my summer of no teaching and the thought of spending ALL my time alone, coupled with Mr. P's general unhappiness we agreed that Mr. P would quit his job.

This decision FREAKED me out way more than I thought when the money stopped coming in, some because I like to have a nice cushion and some because Mr. P wasn't putting the breaks on spending, and some because when two adults have ONLY free time, especially we two adults, we liked going to movies, out to eat, to the beach, out for drinks, etc. which all cost the dollars.

So about three weeks in, I had him apply for a job I found on CRAIG's list, which he promptly got. He now makes just a tad less than he was making at the construction company, but he works, well, no offense to Mr. P, but very little. Well, he works very little outside of our house. He goes to a few meetings a week, and occasionally he does an all-nighter when he gets close to a deadline.

It is a fantastic arrangement. I get to spend all my free time with my husband...he is here every morning while I get ready for work, when I get home from the gym, when I get home from work and I love hanging out with my husband more than anything.....

...BUT, I need time. to. myself. To eat mac and cheese and watch Grey's Anatomy (both of which he hates), to rock out to Glee Pandora and grade projects in my pajamas, to fiddle around the house without listening to hair metal or the History Channel.

We have standing Friday night plans with a large group of friends, which I have skipped the last two Fridays, but forced Mr. P to attend so that I can eat mac & cheese (spinach and fish sticks) and catch up on Grey's, grade projects in my pj's while rocking out to Glee Pandora, and fiddle around the house in the quiet bliss of alone.

And now I got to blog without explaining that I was blogging and I got to pause the television while I went to fix myself a Diet Coke float that I am eating out of a fancy wine glass. Man, I have it good.

Getting back to it

I want to write, I think about writing, but I seem to spend all my online time playing on my farm on Facebook.

I have been thinking about how TIME, simple TIME can resolve so many issues. This time last year I was really struggling with my children, now we are all in a much better place, and while I want to write about it, I need to warm up my writing muscles with a story that my elder child reminded me about a few days ago.

When my kids were in elementary school we had to drive them. Mr. P handled this duty pretty often because my office was the opposite direction, and their school was sort of on the way to his school. One day, Mr. P realized they were pretty early (VERY RARE) and asked the kids if they wanted to grab donuts and chocolate milk before school...and of course, they said yes. So he did a quick look in the mirror, changed lanes and got ready to turn towards the donut spot. My elder child was SHOCKED and asked, "How did the car know that you changed your mind???"


(She thought the turn signals told the driver when to turn.)

This is the child that took the MCAT today and wants to be a doctor. :)

Food logic

FINALLY, I have gotten a significant amount of writing done---all on an alternating diet of Milky Way cake and chips and dip. No food to speak of other than those two food groups. I realized that was getting WAY out of control, so I finished off the cake so that I would quit eating cake. I will get to work on the chips after I get another section of my paper done.

Research Support

So far, my research summer support has paid for the following accomplishments:

• I have watched every episode of The Office.

I never watched it originally because it made me SO uncomfortable. I get embarrassed by characters on television. I have to turn away or change the channel. I watched on HULU and when I needed a break, I would switch to something less stressful for me, like Law & Order: SVU.

• I have mastered all crops (except for one) on Farmville.


• I have committed to THREE new research projects.


• I have committed to teaching an extra course this Fall, which needs to get prepped.


• I have spent 18 days at the beach.


• I have seen: Super 8 (Twice. I loved it.), Hangover 2, Bad Teacher, Horrible Bosses, Transformers 3.


• I got all the way through Couch to 5K week 7, then regressed back to week 4. I wanted to run a half in November, not looking that good.

Now the time is starting to get REALZ. I have 5 weeks until my Fall semester starts and I will be teaching two master's courses (same course, two sections) and a freshman course. In the mean time, we are going to Texas for 6 days and Denver for 5 days. Plus I will certainly spend a good deal of time celebrating my birthday and I am going to Biloxi to see Kathy Griffin. I still need to get significant work done on some research, but instead of working on that tonight, I decided it would be MUCH better to bake this cake and watch Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix.

Looks like I will be teaching every summer from here on out since I took this summer way more OFF than I really should have. DAMN.

I don't get suicide

A guy from my high school class posted some goofy stuff on Facebook in the morning. Went to his job all day, picking up his step son in the afternoon to help him. Went out to a bar that evening, and ended up getting into an altercation, got arrested for aggravated assault, posted bond (it was only $1000). He went home, went into the backyard and hung himself for said step son to find him when he took his dog out in the morning.

I know that in his mind it likely was the only alternative, but I HATE this. I am so sad for his wife and boys and so damn angry at him, and we weren't even close. But still. SELFISH. STUPID. SELFISH some more. I ache for his 8 year old that now has to carry this weight that his DAD felt was too heavy.