Should I stay or should I go now?

I am struggling. Struggling with my eating. Struggling with getting my exercise. Struggling with Mr. P's disdain for his job. Struggling with my own disappointment in how my job is going. UGH. The horrible part of my struggling is that my life is actually really, really good. I have everything I need and most of what I want.

I love the town where I live. It is a college town. It is OUR college town. I have friends here. My whole (just about) family lives here. I am settled in at my job. I make good money.

HOWEVER, there is an opportunity. The one school I said I MIGHT be willing to leave my school for. It is in bigger city that we love. It is ON water (as opposed to 4 hours away). The school would appreciate my work and give me many opportunities to really further my career. The pay increase would give Mr. P the opportunity to peruse his options.

I would have to give up tenure. I would be leaving a KNOWN for an UNKNOWN. My kids live here. My sister lives here. My nephew(s) live here. If I wanted, I could basically go through the rest of my career collecting my check and teaching two classes a semester.

I don't know. I just.don't.know. Believe me I know that I am trying to figure out if I want to give up my good life for a different good life. I know I am lucky to get to make this type of decision, but damn I am struggling with it.

the bottom of an ant's pants

Ant hem. HA HA HA HA.

I love Glee.

That's all.

OH, and I got an awesome necklace (a capsaicin molecule) for Valentine's Day and some potted tulips (that Mr. P thought was a hydrangea) and flowers and a bag of cinnamon hearts that I already ate.

summer FUNding

Rumor on the street (well not really the street, more like the hallway, or the announcement in our faculty meeting this morning) is that my proposal for summer funding was APPROVED. I am thrilled. It means I do not have to teach this summer, but I still get PAID.

YAY ME!!


(I still have to work, I just get to focus on research which I can do anywhere, and can get done this spring if I plan right and work hard!)

Tales of a slug

Seems I have spent SO MUCH time fretting over the beehive, and another situation I have yet to write a bug related metaphor for, that I forgot that I need to spend some time focused on ME. I have run three times IN A MONTH. I have been to the gym every week...for 30 minutes of personal training. I have eaten whatever and whenever I damn well pleased. My house is cluttery and dusty and the glass surfaces are so fingerprinty. When I get home in the dark darkness at 5pm, I sit on the couch with my iPad or laptop, find food to order online, and then spend the evening NOT thinking about anything of import. I go to bed at 10 and get up at 9. I am wearing yoga pants (that are too tight and bulge inappropriately) and tshirts every day unless I have to dress for class. My hair is perpetually in a pony tail, I haven't bothered with mascara in a week, and I think I could donate my leg hair to make wigs.

But the sun is out today and it is gorgeous. I went on a (short) run. I went to the gym (but I didn't get to workout, apparently I can't tell time). I went out for a salad. Then I went and picked out paint for 'the office' ---yes we have lived here for 6 months and that room is still a cluster. Then I stopped in Old Navy and they had some cutie pie dresses to wear with leggings, and I had ordered two more online from Lane Bryant that got here today. not a damn one fits appropriately. fuck me.

When I was cursing myself, I started thinking about this last year...I realized that I have let MY perceptions of other people's feelings cloud how I feel about myself. I used that mixed up shit to influence how I felt about running, boating, going on trips, eating, working, even freaking watching television. In all of that, I lost myself because I was so worried that my lifestyle was "wrong" or was hurting someone else's feelings.

I am going to try as hard as I can to let that go, and go back to living MY life the way I want. I don't want to be a slug. I don't really want to be a bee either. A butterfly is too cliche. Okay, the bug talk has gotten me off track...I am going to take a shower.

Honey or Jam?

Let's say, a honey bee that is part of a big hive of bees, was all of a sudden told...we do not really care for the honey that much anymore. We prefer jam. We know we brought you in to make honey, and actually we want you to keep making honey because we like that other hives know how good of a honey bee you are, BUT we are only going to give you clovers (bee money, DUH) if you are making some delicious JAM.

AND, AND, AND, we are going to require you to do a bunch more pollen collecting because remember we don't really like the honey and you really need to be making jam, even though everyone knows that honeybees don't even really know how to make very good jam.

When the hell does the freaking Dean QUEEN BEE expect that bee to make the jam????

So, I think NABLOPOMO is officially a fail, no?

Considering my last post in November was the 12th.

Things have been, to say the least, hectic. OH MY BLOGGY HELL. I just typed a whole paragraph about why things have been so hectic, and I was re-reading it, and fucking hit some button and it was GONE. As I was saying. I still haven't finished all my grading for my fall course. I graded twenty exams today, and have one project left for tomorrow. SHEW.

Also today I have done 732 loads of laundry, including all the bedding in my house. My children have been staying here for a couple of weeks while I have been away, and apparently they go to bed with their shoes on and let the duvets drag all over the floor...both white duvets were FULL of dog hair and floor dirt. SUPER YUCK. They also apparently each use 14 blankets a night, each of which were left on the floor at some point. I was SO aggravated, but the goal of them staying here is that my dog is okay and not fretting over being alone, and he seems good, so mission accomplished.

On the subject of my very messy children, I am trying not to be very upset with them and have a happy Christmas, but it is proving difficult. Our son quit going to classes in October, which results in all F's, and he lied about it until about 2 weeks ago when I caught him in a lie about finals. (HINT: When your Mom is a professor at the same University, don't try to lie about finals timing.) So he is not going to go to school at all. Our daughter lost her job in October, and still does not have a job. She also quit going to school in October, but has worked it all out, and is going back in January with a different major.

I know they are young, and have to find their own way, but I feel like we have completely failed. Both of our kids are very smart, funny and creative. BUT, I think they are a bit lazy and do not realize what effort real life takes...every.damn.day. We are about to have to take a major.stand. and the thought of it makes me so anxious I haven't slept longer than two hours in a row for weeks and weeks. So, in a nutshell, that is why I haven't been posting. I didn't want to put it out there because I am embarrassed that I did not instill better sticktoitedness (I am pretty sure that is a real world) in my kids.

Why I shouldn't work in the mornings.

I am NOT a morning person. Luckily, I have a job where most of the time I do not have to be. I do teach in the morning twice a week during the Fall semester, but that leaves 5 days that I can get up at will. mostly.

Now that I have tenure I have been put on 5 committees, and wouldn't you know it...the committees are full of the morning people. One such committee met last Thursday morning, bright and early. This particular committee is very serious, it is the student discipline committee, and recommends sanctions with regards to students who have behaved in such ways as to violate the student conduct code of our school. (I guess I could have skipped the description, you probably get it.)

Anyways, I got up, showered and picked out my clothes. Khaki shorts (I call them shorts, but they fall below my knees, but not quite capris), a white shirt, and navy 'boyfriend' sweater. I got dressed, took the dog out, and headed to the meeting, stopping for a gallon of Diet Coke on the way.

I got into the meeting and we were going through some stuff, and I looked down at my lap and my shorts were pooching out in such a way that it may have sort of, kind of , well looked like I was a guy and was REALLY happy to be in this meeting. At this point I reach to smooth it out, and I realized that my zipper was down. AWESOME. Very classy, very dignified.


I tried to pull my zipper up and it was all wonky and caught up in the fabric and I was really confused by it all and trying not to get weird about it while the people in the meeting were discussing some very serious subjects. I finally scootch my chair back a little and fuck me.

My shorts were on INSIDE OUT.

yeah. I don't even know.

SH it happens

Thanks for all your well wishes and thoughts out into the blogiverse, but alas, Mr. P did, indeed, get the BIG.FAT.LAY.OFF. He got a month of severance pay, and directions to the unemployment office. Jerks.

He is okay. Actually better than okay. He is nearly giddy with relief, you can almost see the stress draining out of him. I feel awful about how unhappy he must have been for him to be so happy to have gotten let go. So we are going to look at the silver lining and enjoy having a bunch of time together. I have worked, shopped and cooked sauce for dinner. Mr. P has filed for unemployment, taken out the trash, cleaned the litter box, and swept the floors.

Now we are about to take the College Kid to buy some some khaki pants and pick out a refrigerator. Talk about living the dream.

things were going a bit too well, apparently

We settled into our tiny new digs, and other than the tiny brown bugs in our ice cubes, the washer only rinsing in scalding hot water and the refrigerator smelling like bizarre flowery cleaner, we were happy to be downsized. Waiting patiently to move into the house in a little less than a month, even though a week with Mom lies in between.

Then TODAY. Mr. P texts me to tell me that a lady at his work got laid off. THEN about an hour and a half later, the axe men walk into Mr. P's office (he works in a satellite office about 45 minutes away) and are RIGHT.THIS.MOMENT huddled in the manager guys office. The manager guy that we call the Gelmet because he wears his dyed black hair slicked back, a la, Sha-Na-Na. This same dude that has been carrying on a game of grab ass with a co-worker for nearly 6 months. This same dude that threw Mr. P's friend out to the wolves and she got fired. The same dude that treats Mr. P like his secretary (calls him and tells him to email him reminders, tells him to send his UPS shipments, etc.) even though Mr. P is a project manager. This guy is slimy and will sell Mr. P out as sure as anything.

Now, Mr. P is miserable and wants to quit daily, but we are kinda dependent on his money...and we just kind of encouraged our kids to do some stuff that would require more help from us. Blech.

If it happens, we will manage, but man alive, can we not have 4 freaking months of peace???

Just a different sort of ass

I am no longer an ASSistant professor, but have been granted promotion and tenure and now hold the rank of ASSociate professor!

Schrodinger's tenure

The letters have left the administrative building and there are 63 of us anxiously awaiting their arrival at our respective departments. It could be after lunch today. It might not be until after lunch tomorrow.

It is official...I either have tenure, or I don't. And right this minute that is seeming so huge to me, because either way my life will never be just the same. I might have the most overwhelming sense of accomplishment and relief that this journey I dragged my family on starting in 2000 was worth it. I will have job security in this crappiest of job times. I will be free to work on whatever research I deem important and I don't have to worry if everyone else thinks it is worthy. Academic freedom. I can run my classrooms the way I want to run them without fear that one pissy student will wreck my evaluation average. I will become a better researcher and teacher without the stress of trying to please everyone. I will have a voice within my department to prevent junior faculty from being bullied and railroaded at whim.

OR, I will be starting almost completely over. I will have to try to find a faculty job in a specialty area in this crappiest of job times. I will have to move away from my kids and my sister. We finally have friends that don't make me want to shoot myself in the face and we would have to try to make new ones. I will have to work at the University that rejected me for another year knowing every second that for whatever reason they did not deem me worthy. I will be devastated because this is OUR school and once we leave we can not ever come back.

I can't wait to get the letter, but once I open it, it is what it is, and there is no more dreaming about what it might be.

I will smack you down with (PATH) words

There is a guy in my department that makes pies for everyone for Christmas. The first year, he sent me an email and asked when he could bring it by, but I am VERY weird about the presentability of my house and whether I could let a co-worker see it in a awful state of disarray, so I took awhile to respond at which point he apparently ate my pie. Then later he sent another email and by then my sister and her family were here and I didn't care to respond because I didn't want to have to try to schedule him coming by when my family was in and out and really? Family trumps work pie. Then he invited us to his house to watch the National Championship game, and I despise the team they were all rooting for, and to be frank, he is okay at work, but really quite full of himself, and I have people I COMPLETELY LIKE to hang around with outside of work. Then he invited us to his baby's birthday party which is quite nice, but just so happens it was when my sister was here a different time, and family trumps work baby party.

Then he spent a YEAR basically making a huge deal out of how much I "hate" him and "spite" him and all in fun and games, but really? I am sorry, but dude, it is WORK pie.

Then last year he brought my pie to work, he didn't invite me to do anything and all was good.

Then (when you are telling a story, do you put in "THEN" alot, because apparently I do) this year I got an email while on the cruise to which I replied, "Seriously, you are not going to believe me, but I am on a boat." Then we got home the 24th, spent the next 2 days with mom & family, then the 2 after that with dad & family to which we get to the 27th. Then I get news of my friend, we decide to go skiing, another friend was moving away (in the COMPLETELY LIKE category), so we got together for his going-away, and so last Monday was the first day I was ready for the general public.

So, last Monday I saw him in the copy room and he said "Hi" but wouldn't really look at me. I said, "Sorry, I just made it back" to which he replied:

"Don't hold your breath."

To which I immediately thought in my head, "Are you KIDDING ME? Like, I OWE him making free time to get a FUCKING WORK PIE that I CAN'T EVEN EAT?"

And, wait for it....THEN, yesterday I was on Facebook and saw that his wife posted pictures of a cake that my friend made for their kid's birthday. In the comments someone commented on how awesome the cake was and she posted, "I had a girl make it."

You HAD a GIRL make it?

That pushed my buttons. How condescending. You commissioned a fucking grown LADY architect to make you a gorgeous cake for way less than it is worth because she is MY FRIEND.

I mean, really, check this cake out:

So, you know what I did? Yesterday I saw on Facebook that her husband (the king of pie) was the leader in Path.words. I played. Guess who is in first place now?

TAKE IT.

sigh of RELIEF

Today I gave my last lecture of this semester. We have next week off for Thanksgiving, then I gave them a week off to make up for evening exams and the last day of class the students will present their final projects. shew. I am even, for just this second, caught up on grading. SHAZAM.

Now I have THREE researchy things due on December 1. One grant proposal, one conference submission (yes, I want to go to San Fransisco in August for freebie), and one paper has to get back to a journal. Once I get through those deadlines and get the final projects graded I am free as a bird until we start back in January. This will be the first real break I have taken in 10 years. No research. No class prep. Only gingerbread house making, craft doings, movie watching, and other fun stuff for a month. I am PSYCHED!!!

In regular news, I am a tad bit under the weather and every day that goes by that I don't run I am worried when I start back it will be like day one of the Couch to 5K (I ran 3 miles on Monday)...do any of you ever feel like that? I have been good on the food journaling front, and decent with water (but that will be a fail this week too, because yesterday I thought that homemade Diet Cherry Limeades would make me feel so much better than water. I was right.).

And apparently my mom dyed her hair BLACK today. Yikes. However, I think it might be better because I was telling Penny that I think she looks really weird sometimes because her hair is the same color as her face (kind of an orangey tan look?).

(I have been very parenthetical on this post.)

meet my latest Kryptonite

They are super delicious and I have enjoyed them more often than I should over the last couple of weeks.

Today is the day. Now is the time. They are meeting. All the tenured faculty in my department are sitting in a room discussing the merits of keeping me around or letting me go. The meeting started at 3:30pm. I have a half a bag of these delicious, spicy, salty triangles of pleasure in the cupboard.

You know what I did instead of indulging? I went for a 4.5 mile run, ate my yogurt breakfast and watched an episode of Glee. Then Mr. P brought me a Diet Lo Cal Cherry Limeade and now I am writing to all of you. That is big for me. I am stressed, my biggest trigger to eat, and I have my go to food, and I didn't go there. mmm. Maybe I am changing after all.

it is what it is

First, thank you for the supportive comments...on a day where I am a pure bundle of nerves, they kept me from bursting into tears at the shear enormity of it all. (NOW, believe me I am trying to put work into perspective of work, but it is all so dramatic in my mind right now.)

So, I turned in my tenure dossier about 7 minutes ago, and my hands are just so shaky. Those pages I alluded to represent everything I have done (career wise) since I began my PhD studies in 2000. All the research, all the presentations, all the courses I have taught. Here is my timeline:

Next Thursday: My department meets, discusses and votes.

early November: Dossier updated with departmental information goes to Dean. The Dean writes a letter of support (hopefully). Problem here is my dean resigned last week. Not sure what that means for me going from college to university level.

early December: Dossier updated with information from dean goes to university committee.

no later than mid MARCH: Decision conveyed. (which means you guys still have a good SIX months of my whining over this...FUN!)

Quite a bit of waiting and politicking along the way. One good thing is that this all happens during football season, then the holidays....by the time that all passes and I start training for my half marathon, I should be over waiting and just resigned to knowing when I know, which is desperately hard for me. So I am about to close my office door, change into running gear, and go run it out and reflect on how far I have come in a 'work sense' because here is the thing: It is what it is. nothing more. nothing less.

nine pages

A group of strangers are going to evaluate whether I should be permitted to work at my institution for the rest.of.my.life or not for even another semester based on 9 pages. NINE pages.


nine. pages.

now I have an enabler

Yesterday afternoon I had meetings with the dean of the college and the head of my department in regards to my tenure packet. The meetings were okay, but I am feeling less and less confident, but I must admit, there is no real reason to, other than I am just so...well, me. Add to that, a friend sent me an ad for a super cute studio condo for sale downtown (exactly what I want, where I want) and the pressure inside me is building to a critical level.

Today my sister posted about all her activities to keep her out of the funk I am in now. I had typed out a comment, that I then realized I could use as my own post today to compare and contrast, in her words from her comment yesterday, our current coping styles.

So read what she did today, then read how I handled myself during the same span of time, not 6 miles from her flurry of activity.

I went in the COMPLETE opposite direction as Penny. I am still in pajamas and glasses, I was too lazy to put in my contacts because I will only be out of bed for 8 ish hours today. Mr. P called in sick, we stayed in bed until nearly 2pm watching Friends on DVD...Season 1. We then moved upstairs to the couch where we have caught up on all our TiVo. Ate pizza. Played on iTunes. I farmed on FaceBook. We are out of laundry soap and I have a sink full of dishes. I haven't run and I don't plan to at this point and I feel like shit about it because I started my 10K training program yesterday.

I haven't even sent in my vote for dinner tomorrow (Penny sent us all an email about a new dinner locale) because that decision requires me to make.a.decision and I just don't have it in me.

Here is where I stand, well sit on the couch watching Chad Ochocinco compare losing his ability to Twitter on the sidelines with losing his penis (and I thought I was dramatic). I get today to wallow, and wallow in the deepest most pessimistic depths of my soul. When my alarm goes off at 5am tomorrow, I will put my crappy attitude back in my pocket and move ahead. I will do my run from today tomorrow morning, then maybe add in a good walk tomorrow afternoon if the weather permits. I will finish my dossier and give it to my department head so I can let it all go, because at that point it is what it is. Start working on a new research project. Prep my classes. Buy tickets to Indianapolis. Get a hotel reservation to visit my friend in College Station at the end of September. Start planning my Halloween costume (Mr. P and I are going as Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper from Blue's Clues). Focus on the awesome stuff, and let this tenure crap fucking crawl back into the recesses of my mind until I get information on the vote in mid-October. At that point I will give myself permission to wallow should the need arise. Until then...

Today I let my crap get the best of me. Tomorrow I will get the best of it. Promise.

checked out

I kind of thought I was 'over' the whole going up for tenure thing, but I realized that I am completely NOT over it at all actually. I am teaching my classes, and going to the meetings I have to go to, but come Wednesday afternoon, I completely check out of work stuff and have been occupying my time with farming on Facebook and playing this weird game on my DS (I say it is weird because I am assuming it is for kids, but it is about a box that kills whoever opens it, and there is a really fat obnoxious lady, and a missing dog that everyone thought was a toddler). Now here I am, Monday morning, ready for classes, but just not feeling it because that is what I do when stuff gets overwhelming. I just ignore it. completely. Plus I am not really reading any blogs, or responding to comments because I am completely pissy...I am not doing so great on the healthy front (I gained FIVE (5) pounds last week and it is supposed to rain every day this week and I feel horrible that I am this whiney and pouty because I know of people who would probably kill for my set of 'problems'. Anyway, I digress.

I think I have mentioned it, but Mr. P and I both are alumni of my current employer. My sister and her husband and all his siblings are alumni. My kids are students. I LOVE the university, and it's sports teams, especially football. I have had season tickets every year, but Saturday is the first game I have been to in 13 years. Even without going to the games I probably have not missed more than a minute of a game in the entire time I have been a student or alum. (Even when I went to see Eli the first time, I watched the game quietly on my computer when he was 3 weeks old.) I quit going to the games because I got really scared during a game where there was a fire outside the stadium, but it didn't look like it was outside and I couldn't figure out how 80,000 people could get out unscathed. Plus I don't like to be crowded or for strangers to touch me. And I like beer.

Thursday afternoon Mr. P informed me that he thought we should use my tickets and go. I was quite nervous, but excited too. We went. It was amazing. I had SO much fun. SO MUCH. I fell in love with my school all over again, and it breaks my heart to think she might not love me back.

losing my shiznit

I hate it when my students piss me off to the point I forget how happy I was not 6 hours ago.

Last night Mr. P texted me and asked me out to dinner and a movie...we went to Applebee's where I had a FIVE point salad, which was ehh...but I supplemented with some tasty treats off of his appetizer platter. Then we went to see Julie&Julia, the movie I swore not to see because WHY oh WHY should another blogger get a damn movie when I want a damn movie. I super hearted the movie and felt like a complete shit because both of those women completely struggled to get their stories told, and well, let's be honest here...I haven't done jack worthy of a book, let alone a movie. We topped off our evening with a Lo-Cal Cherry Limeade and an early bedtime.

This morning, I ran at 5:45 where I saw a DEER and a BEAVER out and about. awesome. Ran over 5K and felt all spry. Got showered, packed my breakfast...I am now 'into' the Kashi Proactive cereal because you can have a CUP of it in your yogurt breakfast for the same points as 1/2 cup of Almond Flax nuggets and I am alls about the quantity. I also bought some pre-cut fruit called 'Hawaiian Blend' with mango and pineapple. I trekked to the transit (almost at a month now...getting habitual) and got into work right on time.

THEN, I opened my email and had MANY emails from students claiming to have the hamthrax or other illnesses they do not choose to get diagnosed so as to avoid getting the hamthrax from the clinic. ack. The administration has done everything but tell the students...claim swine flu and we will come to your house, cook you soup and go over the lessons individually with you. I can't say or do anything regarding these "illnesses", so while aggravating, I can deal. It is this one that sent me over the top:

I will not be in class (I really don't feel like it).

See, I have a clause in my syllabus that tells them they are to let me know when they are not coming to class as I expect them every day since it is a graduate class. This student took me very seriously. idiot.

maybe it isn't about the books----

One thing I don't get about being a professor is how I am seemingly responsible for personally stocking the bookstores with the text that I am requiring. I put my syllabus and a reading schedule on the course website WEEKS ago that included the information that there was required reading for tomorrow's class. I read my students the riot act on Monday that they are.to.be.prepared.for.class. So, today, I must have heard from 10 students that they can't find the books in any bookstore around and what-so-ever should they do??? These are GRADUATE students---duh---heard of Amazon.com? BooksAMillion? Any of a hundred different options for buying books? (I assign a reference book, not a text book.)

But better yet, not only can they not find the books...but what should they do to prepare since they don't have the book...they can't read the assigned pages....OH MY, there are no other books or information anywhere on the Internet or in the real world that gives a basic overview of the material...NO WHERE. fucking idiots. This is going to be an awesome semester.

Maybe it is about the time I head to CVS for some Midol. Ya think?

Quick updates:

~The energy is still escaping me.
~Going green is going quite well so far. I took the shuttle today, and I liked it!