I don't get suicide

A guy from my high school class posted some goofy stuff on Facebook in the morning. Went to his job all day, picking up his step son in the afternoon to help him. Went out to a bar that evening, and ended up getting into an altercation, got arrested for aggravated assault, posted bond (it was only $1000). He went home, went into the backyard and hung himself for said step son to find him when he took his dog out in the morning.

I know that in his mind it likely was the only alternative, but I HATE this. I am so sad for his wife and boys and so damn angry at him, and we weren't even close. But still. SELFISH. STUPID. SELFISH some more. I ache for his 8 year old that now has to carry this weight that his DAD felt was too heavy.

Tales of a slug

Seems I have spent SO MUCH time fretting over the beehive, and another situation I have yet to write a bug related metaphor for, that I forgot that I need to spend some time focused on ME. I have run three times IN A MONTH. I have been to the gym every week...for 30 minutes of personal training. I have eaten whatever and whenever I damn well pleased. My house is cluttery and dusty and the glass surfaces are so fingerprinty. When I get home in the dark darkness at 5pm, I sit on the couch with my iPad or laptop, find food to order online, and then spend the evening NOT thinking about anything of import. I go to bed at 10 and get up at 9. I am wearing yoga pants (that are too tight and bulge inappropriately) and tshirts every day unless I have to dress for class. My hair is perpetually in a pony tail, I haven't bothered with mascara in a week, and I think I could donate my leg hair to make wigs.

But the sun is out today and it is gorgeous. I went on a (short) run. I went to the gym (but I didn't get to workout, apparently I can't tell time). I went out for a salad. Then I went and picked out paint for 'the office' ---yes we have lived here for 6 months and that room is still a cluster. Then I stopped in Old Navy and they had some cutie pie dresses to wear with leggings, and I had ordered two more online from Lane Bryant that got here today. not a damn one fits appropriately. fuck me.

When I was cursing myself, I started thinking about this last year...I realized that I have let MY perceptions of other people's feelings cloud how I feel about myself. I used that mixed up shit to influence how I felt about running, boating, going on trips, eating, working, even freaking watching television. In all of that, I lost myself because I was so worried that my lifestyle was "wrong" or was hurting someone else's feelings.

I am going to try as hard as I can to let that go, and go back to living MY life the way I want. I don't want to be a slug. I don't really want to be a bee either. A butterfly is too cliche. Okay, the bug talk has gotten me off track...I am going to take a shower.

sometimes.

Sometimes you find out that what you have worked for so hard is no longer valued.

Sometimes people lie and it just really hurts to know that you are so in the dark.

Sometimes you hear a song on the radio and it takes your breath away with the memories.

Sometimes you know that things can't stay the way they are, no matter how hard you fight to hold on to the past.

Sometimes, things hurt so much you can't bear it.

But sometimes, you find a pair of monkey slippers on your pillow after a horrible day, and you know you are loved.

And that, sometimes, is all that really matters.

Guilt 1, Potcheries 0

After not being able to sleep worth a crap for the last two nights (post big boat visit), Mr. P and I decided today to not buy THAT big boat. We would have had to get a loan for part of it, and after a few days of soul searching, we decided to look for a boat a bit older, and a bit less expensive, and I finally feel more at ease and I am hoping that sleep comes to me tonight.



I should say WE didn't decide, Mr. P decided, but I am oh so glad. I won't tell him no when it comes to this because we have spent so much time doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to do it, that I want him to have this. Plus my rationale for saying no is that I feel guilty for doing something so awesome when I know my kids are struggling. I know that Mr. P and I have WORKED for what we have...but guilt has built a house of brick within my brain and I just can't get that damn thing blown down. (VERY obscure reference to the 3 Little Pigs, and I am not sure why I did that.)


Anyways, I have been sleeping shittily, and thus feeling shitty because I am a girl who's very existence is tied to sleeping, so today I decided to go for a nice walk because it was gorgeous and sunny and near 60 degrees and I was hoping good outside air would help me sleep. I walked to the park and then "played" on their exercise equipment.





I went to work, then home for red beans and rice, and then crocheted for a bit. I am definitely making progress. I think Mr. P is already quite tired of, "Look at this...does it look like real crochet?" "Hey, look...I made this CIRCLE just out of YARN", and "WOW, did you ever know I could be such a great crocheter???"

I might be done with my first "project" in about a week. Aren't you JUST SO EXCITED???

Might as well jump right on in.

This morning, Mr. P and I went to look at a boat. A BIG boat. It is a fantastic deal. It is exactly what we have been dreaming about buying. It could be our floating RV at the lake and the beach all summer. It has A/C and TV (besides water, my favorite two things of summer). We can afford it. We haven't completely decided, but we are fairly certain that we are going to give big boating a shot. We love little boating. big>little, so it stands to reason that big boating>little boating. Why then am I close to saying "No"? It is because I don't want to hurt our kids feelings that we are cutting them off the same time we are making a fairly extravagant purchase.



The boat was very close to a Bass Pro Shop, so we stopped to look at all the fish in their giant fish tank. It is sort of like a redneck aquarium in there.

Then we stopped at a craft store so that I could buy supplies for my crocheting.

I have managed to master the chain stitch and am getting better at a single crochet. I have spent most of the evening on this square shown on Mr. P's ankle to demonstrate scale. I think I might actually like crocheting, but I feel ultra old, with my bucket o'yarn and needles next to my chair. I will say, that holding the yarn and concentrating makes snacking pretty difficult.

So, on tap for tomorrow---start figuring out my workout/work routine that works with my class schedule, gym schedule and Mr. P schedule. Plus, I just remembered this afternoon that I have to present a paper at a conference on THURSDAY, so I may want to take a look at that.

Grieving for my family of four

Last summer when our children seemed to take a VERY long time to gain employment, Mr. P and I discussed our financial culpibility with respect to their lack of sticktoitedness. I remember being very financially stressed for most of my adult life, and I really, really wanted to spare them that particular stress so they could concentrate on school. I didn't pay for everything, because I think working is important---we left them to pay for their electricity and cable and food and $140 each for their rent, and I would pay the remainder ($200 of their rent, car insurance, car repairs, cell phones, medical stuff). We made this deal when they both had full scholarships and were getting about half again their tuition refunded to them for expenses.

Over time, they lost those scholarships due to lack of attending their classes (from what I gather). Mr. P and I downsized significantly so that we could absorb more of their finances...granted we were ready to move, but I was too chicken to buy a house in case the kids needed money. It became the norm that I paid all the rent for both of them every month without a word from either one...no "is there work I can do for you" or "thank you so much for covering us" no nothing, and I kept paying it. And in restrospect, I shouldn't have allowed that to go on for so long.

Now I am grieving for the life I wanted them to have. I wanted them to leave college with a great undergrad and no debt, with some financial stress to learn the value of a dollar, but not enough that they lay awake at night trying to figure out what to sell on Ebay to keep the power on. That life is gone. Mr. P and I did the best we could, and apparently we just didn't get the job done, and unfortunately that means my kids are starting their adult lives without the solid base of education that I would have preferred.

As of March 1, 2011 I am no longer paying any bills for my kids. That was a VERY hard decision to come to and after I told them last night I cried. CRIED hard, first reaction to grieving, right? Well denial is likely first, which is what I did for a long time when I just paid for stuff regardless of their school progress.

So they have 2 months (really 3, since I will pay bills on March 1) to figure out their finances and get employment at a level that will support their spending habits. I have two months (really 3) to let go of being a parent to a child and instead become a parent to an adult. And while I think both kids really want that, I think we are all going to struggle with how that changes the family dynamic.

BYE "Family of Four". We had a great run.

Now we are a family of TWO with two adult children.

It is time.

So, I think NABLOPOMO is officially a fail, no?

Considering my last post in November was the 12th.

Things have been, to say the least, hectic. OH MY BLOGGY HELL. I just typed a whole paragraph about why things have been so hectic, and I was re-reading it, and fucking hit some button and it was GONE. As I was saying. I still haven't finished all my grading for my fall course. I graded twenty exams today, and have one project left for tomorrow. SHEW.

Also today I have done 732 loads of laundry, including all the bedding in my house. My children have been staying here for a couple of weeks while I have been away, and apparently they go to bed with their shoes on and let the duvets drag all over the floor...both white duvets were FULL of dog hair and floor dirt. SUPER YUCK. They also apparently each use 14 blankets a night, each of which were left on the floor at some point. I was SO aggravated, but the goal of them staying here is that my dog is okay and not fretting over being alone, and he seems good, so mission accomplished.

On the subject of my very messy children, I am trying not to be very upset with them and have a happy Christmas, but it is proving difficult. Our son quit going to classes in October, which results in all F's, and he lied about it until about 2 weeks ago when I caught him in a lie about finals. (HINT: When your Mom is a professor at the same University, don't try to lie about finals timing.) So he is not going to go to school at all. Our daughter lost her job in October, and still does not have a job. She also quit going to school in October, but has worked it all out, and is going back in January with a different major.

I know they are young, and have to find their own way, but I feel like we have completely failed. Both of our kids are very smart, funny and creative. BUT, I think they are a bit lazy and do not realize what effort real life takes...every.damn.day. We are about to have to take a major.stand. and the thought of it makes me so anxious I haven't slept longer than two hours in a row for weeks and weeks. So, in a nutshell, that is why I haven't been posting. I didn't want to put it out there because I am embarrassed that I did not instill better sticktoitedness (I am pretty sure that is a real world) in my kids.

my phone go boom

Today I was meeting some old friends for lunch and in my haste to get a quarter in the meter I dropped my iPhone on the sidewalk, and BOOM, it was all over for the iPhone 3. White screen of iPhone death.

I came home and Googled and YouTubed solutions and I must have broken the LED screen...I decided I would go on Tuesday to get the iPhone 4.

Two hours later, I got the iPhone 4. I couldn't STAND not being connected to the world every second.

How sad is that?

Now, Mr. P and I canceled our plans for tonight (meet up with friends for beers and trivia) and are settled in with pizza and Hell's Kitchen on DVR and talking to each other using FaceTime while we sit next to each other in the living room.

That is even sadder!

We return to our regular angsty programming

We did a few things really right with our kids when they were growing up, but we have also done a few things really, really wrong.

We never taught our elder child how to deal with failure or criticisim, constructive or otherwise. As a result, when she gets any type of negative feedback she reacts so strongly that she turns little issues into huge issues, and huge issues into NON-issues because she retreats and doesn't deal with them at all.

There are a couple of instances that should have clued me in, there was this time she obviously had something in her mouth (which turned out to be a butterscotch) and she denied it to the point of hysterics. Another time, she had a cold Mountain Dew in her room, but denied taking it, to the point of slamming doors and more hystrionics. There are other instances, but honestly, reprimanding her wasn't something that had to happen much, as she really is a great kid...she did well in school, she was respectful to her teachers and coaches, and she was a good athlete. She excelled at most things, so there wasn't much room for "instruction" so to speak, but I should have realized earlier and worked on that with her, but I was lazy and just ignored it for the most part.

But now, she is at a point in her life where she is not handling herself or her responsibilities very well, and I feel helpless. Trying to talk to her is very difficult because she is so very defensive and quickly blames me or her brain chemistry for her decisions or lack there of.

I now am forced to wait and see what she does with herself. It makes me sad that she is sad, but it makes me annoyed that in order for her to do the things that she is supposed to do needs to be happy. We all have crappy stuff, and we have to work through it. From what I know, she is not in school. She is not working. I am not sure how she is spending her days. In response, I turned off her cell phone and the car insurance. I am still paying her rent because I am the guarantor.

It sucks.

I am not mad

I have been out of blogging mode for most of the last year.

A few days ago, I decided to read my old blogs to see where I was, to see if I could relate to where I am now. DUDES. I was angry and bitter and then angry some more. I want to chalk it up to tenure tension, but even after I got tenure. I was upset and angsty and upset some more.

Maybe that is why I am less bloggy, I am not pissed at the world, when apparently I used to be. I love my life. I get annoyed and pissy, but in all seriousness, I am getting on board with my tiny house, I love my husband, I have tenure, so I only have to do work that I LIKE to do...I have money I need to pay my bills.

Nothing is that different from a few months ago. I wonder why I was so bitter---I am embarrassed by how nasty I was about my life.

Sorry life. I know it's good.

I got a major slump going on up in here

So, last I left you, Mr. P had been laid off and we were headed out for my birthday weekend. Let's see, since then:

• I turned 41. Mr. P threw me TWO birthday parties. One drinky party and one family party. My mom pitched a fit that she was not invited to the drinky party.
• We moved out of tiny apartment into tiny house. The house is tiny. Tiny. t.i.n.y. I got bummed out at the tinyness and the crampedness and quit unpacking about a day in. I am still not moved in nearly 6 weeks later.
• I kept Eli for a weekend. Wow. 4 is tough.
• Went away with my highschool girlfriends for a weekend. Awesome. Laughter. Hugs.
• Joined a new gym and got a personal trainer. Quit running. Quit everything. Even bailed on my trainer this week.
• Mr. P got a new job where he has to travel out of town at least one night a week. It is way harder than I thought it would be. So much so, that I went with him last night. (The job is great, he loves it, he is making more money than before, he is happy and he has a company truck that he digs driving around Alabama.)
• I joined a bowling league and on the first day I bowled a 150 and 141, but now two days later my knee hurts and my middle finger does too.
• I got a health screening and my numbers are good. (Blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.)

I don't know what is going on with me. I feel guilty and shitty for getting behind on stuff. And my new diet of hydrogenated/fructose corn syrup snacks that I enjoy with beers probably doesn't help my attitude or motivation much either.

I took before pictures of the house o'tiny when we moved in. My plan is to be able to take the after pictures on Sunday. Plus, I have a huge harvest of peppers and I want to invite the family over for stuffed peppers next week. Will I get it done? Time will tell.