Research Support

So far, my research summer support has paid for the following accomplishments:

• I have watched every episode of The Office.

I never watched it originally because it made me SO uncomfortable. I get embarrassed by characters on television. I have to turn away or change the channel. I watched on HULU and when I needed a break, I would switch to something less stressful for me, like Law & Order: SVU.

• I have mastered all crops (except for one) on Farmville.


• I have committed to THREE new research projects.


• I have committed to teaching an extra course this Fall, which needs to get prepped.


• I have spent 18 days at the beach.


• I have seen: Super 8 (Twice. I loved it.), Hangover 2, Bad Teacher, Horrible Bosses, Transformers 3.


• I got all the way through Couch to 5K week 7, then regressed back to week 4. I wanted to run a half in November, not looking that good.

Now the time is starting to get REALZ. I have 5 weeks until my Fall semester starts and I will be teaching two master's courses (same course, two sections) and a freshman course. In the mean time, we are going to Texas for 6 days and Denver for 5 days. Plus I will certainly spend a good deal of time celebrating my birthday and I am going to Biloxi to see Kathy Griffin. I still need to get significant work done on some research, but instead of working on that tonight, I decided it would be MUCH better to bake this cake and watch Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix.

Looks like I will be teaching every summer from here on out since I took this summer way more OFF than I really should have. DAMN.

I don't get suicide

A guy from my high school class posted some goofy stuff on Facebook in the morning. Went to his job all day, picking up his step son in the afternoon to help him. Went out to a bar that evening, and ended up getting into an altercation, got arrested for aggravated assault, posted bond (it was only $1000). He went home, went into the backyard and hung himself for said step son to find him when he took his dog out in the morning.

I know that in his mind it likely was the only alternative, but I HATE this. I am so sad for his wife and boys and so damn angry at him, and we weren't even close. But still. SELFISH. STUPID. SELFISH some more. I ache for his 8 year old that now has to carry this weight that his DAD felt was too heavy.

joe.

My dog's full name is Uncle Joe Fred after a colleague's uncle who got really mad about their neighbor "sucking up" all his channel 9 after the neighbor got a satellite dish. When I heard that story, I said, "That is the perfect name for a junkyard looking dog". Then I went with my mom and sister to find my mom a dog, and instead Joe found me.

He is been a pain in our ass for 12 years. The first week we had him he had to have a $900 surgery. We did NOT have $900 to spare on a dog. He still pees in the house (but at least he pees in the bathroom). He chews any writing instrument he can get his grubby little paws on. If I am in the house, he can not be more than 26 inches away from me. Which means I constantly have to be sure I don't step on him or trip on him or knock him over.

I might have to say goodbye to him this afternoon and it is breaking my heart. I think he is in pain and while I think he would keep living with the pain for me, and of course, his treats, I can't do it to him anymore. Something wonky is going on with his eyes, and this morning he fell down the hill in our front yard and got trapped under our Suburban. He just looked at me and thumped his tail while I worked to get him out and back in the house. He is, of course, sleeping right behind me and I feel like such a traitor.

I am so sad. I love this dog so much. More than any dog I have ever loved and I sure do love dogs. He is my dog soul mate. I feel so selfish hoping that I get to keep him longer when I think he has been trying to tell me he is just really tired.

My appointment is at 4. I really hope I have more than 2 more hours with this stupid mutt.


EDITED TO ADD: Somehow, the only things wrong with the critter is arthritis and an eye ulcer...both of which are managable. Mr. P learned how to give him shots (3 times a week for 2 weeks, then once a month), and we learned how to put drops then goop in his eye. He doesn't dig it. I burst into tears when she was going over the options...she thought I was sad about the diagnosis, when really I was SO relieved. There have been times that I think my life would be easier without having to revolve around a high maintenance dog, but when faced with that today I fell apart.

Should I stay or should I go now?

I am struggling. Struggling with my eating. Struggling with getting my exercise. Struggling with Mr. P's disdain for his job. Struggling with my own disappointment in how my job is going. UGH. The horrible part of my struggling is that my life is actually really, really good. I have everything I need and most of what I want.

I love the town where I live. It is a college town. It is OUR college town. I have friends here. My whole (just about) family lives here. I am settled in at my job. I make good money.

HOWEVER, there is an opportunity. The one school I said I MIGHT be willing to leave my school for. It is in bigger city that we love. It is ON water (as opposed to 4 hours away). The school would appreciate my work and give me many opportunities to really further my career. The pay increase would give Mr. P the opportunity to peruse his options.

I would have to give up tenure. I would be leaving a KNOWN for an UNKNOWN. My kids live here. My sister lives here. My nephew(s) live here. If I wanted, I could basically go through the rest of my career collecting my check and teaching two classes a semester.

I don't know. I just.don't.know. Believe me I know that I am trying to figure out if I want to give up my good life for a different good life. I know I am lucky to get to make this type of decision, but damn I am struggling with it.

If the car falls off the track

I made mention of sabatoging myself on this roller coaster of health that I am on...I derail myself and let the car just plunge into oblivion, every.single.time I get even close to a good place for me.

Year before last, I lost 45 pounds in 5 months, and kept it off for nearly 2 years. Then, last year I ran a HALF marathon, and now I am struggling with 2 miles. I actually just started the Couch to 5K program completely from scratch to get back in the groove and to improve my speed a bit. I joined the gym in August and have NEVER gone outside of personal training. NEVER. NOT ONE SINGLE TIME. NOT ONCE. This gym has a movie room, spin classes, Body Pump, Zumba, tons of cardio machines, etc. I go to personal training, walk on the treadmill while I wait for my session...the whole while weirdly hoping my trainer WON'T SHOW UP. I have my session (because he always.shows.up.) and then I leave. I do this once a week. Since I joined the gym? I have gained 20 lbs. mm. Not really the impact I thought it would have.

OH, wait, there is more: I used to have fruit and yogurt for breakfast every day. EVERY day. Now I have a spicy chicken biscuit and Diet Coke, on the days I EVEN BOTHER to eat breakfast. I do manage to eat a good lunch almost every day. Then dinner? Pizza (but "just" a slice with mushrooms and spinach), fast food salads, wings/beer, you name it, if I want it, I have it. I blame Mr. P because he is a bad influence. WHATEVS, I have been married to him during many bouts of healthiness, this is just the phase where I let him dictate our menu. If I choose, he will oblige, but it is just easier to let him lead me down the path of ever loving fried potatos with cheese and jalapenos or puff pastry filled with cheese and delicious. Our water delivery guy QUIT coming to our house because it took forever for us to drink a thing of water, let alone 3....soda was the only thing flowing in our house. We had to dig out a bill to even find his phone number when we finally ran out of water.

So, where do I go from here?

On Week 1 Day 2 of Couch to 5K, with my jogging speed around 12 minute miles (I am normally 13:30ish). I will have personal training twice a week for the next 2 weeks to get into a routine--Tuesdays and Fridays. I will pick ONE class to attend at my gym this week. I went to the store and bought breakfast stuff, yeah, some of it is prepackaged (Quaker Oatmeal Breakfast Cookies, some yummy looking veggie omelet sandwiches), some of it isn't (Fage yogurt, fruit). Until school is out, I will TRY SO HARD not to have a spicy chicken biscuit for breakfast. I will stick with my lunches as it. Dinner? Tonight we had spicy grilled chicken salads, and the nights we are home (we have commitments FOUR nights this week...end of semester crap), we will 'survive' off of salad and pasta. Our water consumption is back where it should be...I will start my day with water, but have Diet Coke during my teaching hours, then back to water.

That is the easy stuff. The hard stuff? Dealing with why I push my car off the track every time I get SO close to getting where I want to be.

Who's life is it anyway?

About a year ago, I was set to post about my weight loss, self-sabatoge circle and why I thought that was occurring. I was actually about halfway through writing that post when I got a call from my daughter that jarred me, and it has taken about a year to wrap my head around everything that has happened as a result of that call. She is FINE, not hurt, not sick, perfectly fine. What we discussed in that phone call is her story to tell, her life, not mine, so I won't go into that here. And maybe that right there is the crux of quite a bit of what has been happening with me. I am realizing at a certain point that our kids are no longer OUR kids. They are integral, important HUGE GIANT portions of our life, but guess what? Their lives are THEIRS. To try, to learn, to make mistakes and to have victories and all that goes along with figuring out who they are and who they want to be. When kids are little, and YOURS, you make their decisions and you make sure they are safe and happy and warm. But now? They have to figure out how to live their lives so that they can create their own safety and happiness and warmth. Parenting has never been tougher, the lows have never been lower, but the highs have never been higher. The pride that comes from watching your adult children make good decisions that will lead them to happiness, safety and warmth is divine.

people are interesting

Lots of stuff has been going on, so MUCH stuff that I am having a hard time figuring out where to start and how to even organize it without one, giant, comma, filled rambling sentence with lots of CAPITAL letters and words that I make up.

So I will start with this interaction I had just two hours ago.

I went to lunch and on my way back to my office I notice a guy walking towards me walking a pretend dog...or pretending like he is walking a dog... not sure the distinction is important, but I was getting hung up on how to describe it.

So for some reason I don't really even understand, I smiled at him and said, "What kind of dog is that?"

Without hesitation he said, "I am not pretending to walk a dog, I am pretending to smoke a cigarette."